Half Measures Avail Us Nothing

Let it Go!

2012-01-18T10:41:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling strangely emotional today.

I got on the train after the gym this morning, it was practically empty except for this father with his two young sons, I'd say maybe they were 4 and 6 years old. He was teaching the 6 year old about something while the 4 year old sat & watched, lost interest and then gazed around the train. Suddenly he just got up, ran over to his Dad, threw his arms around him and kissed him. He said I love you Daddy....there were tears in my eyes. It was a beautiful moment of unadulterated love. ....interesting the the word 'adult' is in there and being - un-adult is being free.

I was telling my friend this morning that I wish I could be less blocked, more free, un-adult if you will. Last nights meeting really made me think about how for me this process of living sober has taught me much about myself, and how slowly over time. I'm able to take, leave or fight with the things that honor my higher self. I've a feeling lately that there's a whole bunch of shit I need to let go of, old idea, old beliefs, old habits that truly no longer serve me but they are comfortable & known so I stick with em.

I always think of a quote my Dad used to say and forgive me in advance for not knowing who to credit it to:
"When you come to the edge of all existence as you know it and must leap out into the unknown, you will either be provided with a soft place to land or you will be given wings to fly" - Here's to faith!

ISM

2012-01-17T12:01:00.000-05:00

My dear friend is celebrating his 10th anniversary today.

My life & sobriety would be so different without him. He is truly a gem and I am grateful that he was someone who I felt early on I could just talk to without judgments or fear. He continues to teach me things.

Like today, he wrote 'ISM' of alcohol(ism) or whatever ism you may be working with = I Separate Myself.

I've never heard that and I couldn't agree more. How often even though I know longer feel the compulsion to drink do I choose to separate myself. Some days I find it the 'easier' way, to just do it myself, I got this, if I fail or succeed it's all me.

Luckily, I can step outside that when I CHOOSE to. That seems to be the difficulty nowadays is that incessant urge that I HAVE to do it alone. Even after almost 5 years, it's still against my grain to let someone else in, to let someone else help.

I'm grateful today for my friend who sometimes silently, sometimes not pushes me outside myself, so that I too can do the same.

Evolution, like a flower unfolding.

Grateful Friday

2012-01-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

2 days off on Wed & Thurs, They were very relaxing & lovely

Having enough money to cover my needs and remembering that my needs are always taken care of, my wants don't matter

Knowing that though I feel 'lack' I in reality live in grateful abundance

For getting to a yoga class tonight, I've decided to go to one a week and I'm excited about it

For Love, in all it forms, for it being something I can feel, something I can share and something I can know. There was a time in my life when I believed that it was not possible. I'm glad sobriety & spiritual growth have taught me different

2012

2012-01-02T17:27:00.000-05:00

What a way to start my New Year!
I spent the weekend doing and Intensati workshop and some amazing fitness classes. Physically I feel fantastic. I also jump started my morning pages practice. Day 2 so far, but I truly enjoy it and don't feel the reluctance I did when I tried to do them previously...I was also not sober at that point and getting up early with a hangover to write in a journal was just beyond my grasp.

Between the classes and the journaling, I've come to a realization about letting go of some old (and I mean OLD) behaviors and habits. I realized that just because it was something I've always done, doesn't mean that it's something I need to keep doing, especially when I want to progress, continue to grow spiritually and evolve. Perhaps, before I didn't think it possible or even that I was worthy....but it is and I AM.

I'm excited for this clean slate feeling and it's clean because I don't have to bring my Santa's sack of old bullshit into today, I'm starting to understand 'will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it'. Today I make a different choice, much like my early sobriety where I had to make a conscious choice not to drink that day, or even that moment. I'm using the same tools to let go of the past, to say no, I don't have to be the way I was because, there is a better way. I will choose that today.

I'm grateful for all the things that my sobriety has taught me so far and I SO look forward to this year. It's gonna be AMAZING.

Blessings to you!

Everything or Nothing

2011-12-31T11:46:00.000-05:00

I sat in a great meeting last night, full of men I respect.

The topic was prayer & meditation and well of course it go me thinking. I realized that when I rest on my laurels with regards to prayer, it's harder for me to turn things over. I grip. I control. I am self will run riot.

It was with these thoughts that I returned home last night, really focusing on saying a little thank you before bed and drifting into a sleep that was both welcome & necessary.

3am rolls around and Chris & I are jolted from our beds by what I can only describe as pounding that sounds like someone jumping rope in the apartment(s) above us....it's not the first time. We dress and climb the stairs (to talk to them...again) but can't tell what apt it's coming from. I toss & turn the rest of the night as it happens a few more times. My mind won't stop racing and I come to one thought

How do I turn this over? I pray a bit for guidance, more so I wish it would all stop. I'm usually good at seeing a solution but now I'm not sure. I feel like I'm whining but I guess I need an outlet. How do I go about resolving this in sober manner? I will continue to wait for guidance, and pray that I be directed where I'm supposed to be

God is everything

A Recap: How Indiana Saved My Life

2011-12-30T10:49:00.000-05:00

I did my best to post my gratitude while I was away and I truly was grateful.

This past holiday week was spent away from my family and with my new family to be. Chris and I ventured to his home town to celebrate the holidays. If I were to tell you I had piles of fear leading up to this trip it would be an understatement.

His family much like my own was very warm & welcoming, so much so that at times it felt like my own, which I think is a good thing. I had a wonderful time visiting old haunts, old houses where they all grew up and getting to see how cute the town of New Albany, Indiana really is.

After slightly white knuckling it from Thursday to Monday morning, (luckily, they aren't the same kind of drinkers my family is) I arrived at my very first Indiana meeting.

Imagine for a moment how I'd already put myself on the outside, urbanite, gay, Yankee, amongst other things.

I walked into a clubhouse and found the meeting room, crowded with probably 30 or so people who from all outside appearances suddenly cued the song "One of these things is not like the other" form Sesame Street. My instinct to turn around and walk out was strong, or rather, my disease was strong.

I sat down in that smoke filled room and took a deep a breath as possible. I listened and heard and was suddenly the same as everyone in that room. We were all there for the same common purpose, not to drink that day. I feel I sometimes lose sight of that in the meetings I attend and am comfortable at. Perhaps 2012 will usher in a new meeting a week just to step outside myself a bit more.

Extended Family!

Gratitude

2011-12-20T09:05:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

A fantastic if not rag-tag meeting last night. The chair didn't show up and so some others took over only they read the WRONG script & totally changed the meeting from the 'expected' topic round robin, to an 'unexpected' qualification meeting. I was seething and about to leave when I thought, no, everything is happening exactly as it's supposed to. It was a great meeting and I heard A LOT of great things I needed to hear

Catching up with my dear friend Michael. He's a gem

Dinner with some friends from college. It was lovely to see them and also really lovely to see us all in very different places 11 years later. We used to party a lot and while we had a few laughs last night about those times I was very grateful that I'm no longer in that place

The moment of grace almost 5 years ago that offered me a glimmer of hope that there was another way to live besides the alcoholic darkness cycle I'd been inhabiting
Feeling more plugged in lately, which of course is direct correlation to my meeting attendance! It's true what they say!! :)

Gratitudes

2011-12-19T10:58:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

waking up before my alarm & realizing I forgot to set it.

continuing to PRACTICE letting go of results

doing my homework and looking up some meetings while I'm away in Indiana.

a great conversation with my friend this morning about this process we call life and how to step through it with a little more grace than when we used to

remembering that I am now, have always been and will always be watched over by a power greater than myself

for the realization that the year isn't over yet, and I don't have to wait til Jan 1st to make some shifts & changes. I can start right now, besides EVERYONE makes changes on Jan 1 and who wants to be like everyone else? Not this alcoholic :)

12/18 Gratitudes

2011-12-18T15:31:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

the gorgeous weather even if it's cold

guests passes to Equinox & two amazing classes today, I worked really hard

A nice walk outdoors that let me chat with my Mom

Making the decision to start 'The Artists Way' on Jan 1 and for my friend Lindsay who wants to do it with me - I need to be accountable

Listening to some Broadway shows today at home and knowing that it's not that far off for me

Gratitude

2011-12-17T14:29:00.001-05:00

A fun (even if longer than expected) catering gig last night. More money in the pocket

The decision I made to sleep in this morning over running 6 miles. It would have felt great I'm sure but I think my body just needed to rest especially given that I'm working again in just a few hours

Coffee Coffee Coffee

My tentative plans to start the 'Artists Way' in the New Year

Gratitude

2011-12-16T09:44:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

A VERY lazy day yesterday it felt necessary

The ability to have discussions that aren't easy and being taught through AA that feelings, emotions are all part of the expereince but through that to also focus on solution

Another full day of work, day job & then catering. I'm also grateful that my day job can be so flexible with me

Our homey apartment.

The Andrews Sisters, they always make my Christmas season

Courtesy of my Uncle

2011-12-14T11:22:00.001-05:00

"If one remains one-pointed, any work in the world can be accomplished with humility and ease. If one gets even a slightest doubt whether something is possible, it becomes impossible! If one gets even the slightest doubt whether it can happen, it will never happen! Your question itself gives the answer! Your doubt is your arch-enemy! Your fate is your soul-mate! Uttering 'Gurudev' or the name of the Lord with a mellow heart and tears welling up in the eyes, do everything with the attitude that 'He is everything'. Whatever has to be done, do it as His work, offering it to him in total surrender!"

~ Thuli Baba

Gratitude

2011-12-14T11:21:00.002-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

A fantastic meeting last night about service and how it keeps me sober. It really made me think that this past year without any service commitments that require a weekly attendance, I've gone to less meetings and it's been a more difficult year, coincidence? Probably not

Getting to catch up with my good friend Todd for a bit last night

Talking with my sponsor for a while last night, it felt good

guest passes to Equinox that allowed me to take a rocking class this morning for free. I am ALWAYS grateful for that

A day off and filling it with stuff outside, celebrating my friends birthday and a meeting!

Gratitude

2011-12-13T08:31:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful this morning for:

An easy & fun night at work that turned out to be not as late as I thought it would be. It was a smaller party and a chance to bond & talk with some co-workers I don't always have the chance to talk to. It was nice.

For doing my very best to not complain or to stop myself when I start

For the stranger on the N train this morning who just started chatting with me about God and the bigger picture, he'd gotten on the wrong train, a local instead of an express & figured there must be a reason for this. There are many life lessons I could expound from this but I'll leave it open

For getting to my office WELL before anyone else this morning (6:30a), it's so much nicer to quietly work away and listen to Christmas music

For getting to my home group tonight

For an email from the director/producer of this years Round Up show asking if I'd like to be invovled - OF COURSE!!! President's Weekend :).....The show is called 'Tipsy' a parody of the musical 'Gypsy'....I smell hilarity!

Gratitude

2011-12-12T15:27:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for

taking the time to write this list

a wonderfully easy day off yesterday and the delicious chili I made last night - I LOVE cooking

the long full night of sleep I got, even snoozing for almost a hour - oops

the fact that I can be late to work and I don't get in trouble. I try not to do it that often cause being paid hourly I'm the one who really gets hurt by it
another catering gig tonight. 2 more til the end of the year, I'm grateful for the work!

my boss paying me full instead of the setup rate for my 16 hour day on Saturday, it was unexpected and a great surprise

My morning affirmation practice. It really does wonders for how I start my day

Gratitude

2011-12-10T09:55:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for:

Today being the last day in my marathon of four catering gigs...until Monday

For my lunch being packed and ready go. Chris made a delicious one I think

For co-workers that not only work hard but do so with a little sense of humor. It makes life easier. Especially Selina

For today & being of service in it. Something I didn't know of before sobriety

For my brother. He is awesome. I'm so glad our relationship is what it is and continues to grow

For not feeling the least bit compelled to participate in something called Santa-Con and for owning my judgement about it ;)

For the one day at a time mentality. It really makes life so much easier

Gratitude

2011-12-09T23:12:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful today for :

A full day of work with pleasant people who work as a great team together. It's nice to be a part of

A nice walk this evening that gave me the chance to catch up with my mom grandma and brother

For my Grandmas 84. Bday. She's awesome

For having a kinda difficult conversation wih my brother while still being able to talk solutions based on experience, my experience

For my friend Mark and his awesome bday celebration. I look forward to the next

Gratitude

2011-12-08T11:40:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful today for

A fantastic meeting that turned my day around. I love walking into meetings when the topic is exactly what I needed to hear

Feeling less alone in this world

Approaching today differently & not expecting anything

Miracle on 34th st. I watched it for the first time last night

Getting to spend the morning relaxed and with my honey

Gratitude

2011-12-07T10:06:00.001-05:00

grateful today for

A fantastic meeting last night & raising my hand even thought the last thing I wanted to do was share

The honesty in the room. It always pierces to my heart

Getting coffee and caught up with Joel & Steven

Taking some moments to walk away from a discussion that was dead ending. Picking it up later with some clarity

Finishing a project at home with Chris

Gratitude

2011-12-06T10:52:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

A quiet evening at home catching up on bad TV and making homemade applesauce.

The glow of our Christmas tree, I love to sit in that room with all the lights off but the tree.

Calls from program friends, it keep me sober and helps me to examine my own behavior as well. I had to tell someone something last night that I could tell wasn't what they wanted to hear, usually when I sense this I try to sugar-coat or back-pedal (God forbid they be mad at me) and I thought, no, if these roles were reversed I would want someone to be honest with what I should do. For me it's progress

a meeting at my home group tonight & for fellowship plans with my friend afterwards.

considering a commitment there this coming term and for also considering a 90 in 90. For some reason I'm afraid to commit to that but I do think it's something that would help my sobriety

a bit more clarity & a plan of action with regards to my Mom. A small procedure today and then a few more days in the hospital.

my siblings, Nick, who flew out there to help & Katie, who is already out there in Denver and always a help. Their humor is one of the most treasured things we all share together and that no matter how difficult, bad or sad things are there's always a smile, even if it's smiling through the pain. It's comforting

Have a great day!

Gratitude

2011-12-05T17:28:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for:

Having a fantastic time at the reading last night. It was fun to watch my cast really 'go there' unashamed, it inspires me

A beautiful walk from work to where the reading was. It took me to parts of NY I don't usually go to and allowed me to take a lot of photos, I'm obsessed with my iPhone camera & Instagram

Christopher & Lindsay for showing up for me and the numerous other friends & aquaintances who also showed up to support us all

Getting an AMAZING night of sleep. I'm still a bit tired today and recovering from the weekend but it was nice to sleep through the night

restraint of tongue. Today at work has been a little bit of a challenge. Thankfully, living sober means I don't spew negativity towards people and instead of telling them to eff off, I simply smile and say: "This is something I don't need to be a part of, please talk to management"

Gratitude

2011-12-04T14:08:00.002-05:00

I am grateful today for

A night full of work that went MUCH later than expected (got home at 4am), surprisingly the night flew by and despite being hard work my good attitude remained

For the stranger in a cab who saw me waiting at the cross town bus station and offered me a ride across town, higher power indeed. Waiting for a cross town bus at 4am is a looong wait

For my Mom being relatively OK after being hospitalized last night, pleae keep her in your prayers

For my siblings who are supportive, informative and never lose their humor even if tough situations. If my Dad taught us anything it's that. I'd love to quote my sister who on top of moving, having her boyfriend finally move to the same city she's in & being at the hopsital with my Mom all in one week said " I'll get through this week and I'll do it with some f*ckin GRACE". Hilarious.

For my reading tonight! I'm so excited for this little project. I wish it was going beyond someone's living room because it's such a fun little play

For impropmtu visits from my friend Michael who passes by my store quite often and will always peer in to see if I'm here. Today we caught eachother!

2011-12-03T11:24:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

the opportunity and awareness to view catering as being of service. It really helps reframe my days & nights there

for taking things less seriously, I don't know when I got to be such a serious boy but it's nice to get a break from it

for taking the time to write this today, I'm running a bit late but decided I needed to sit and write this before I rocket launched into my day

for taking the time to clean up, do the dishes and make the bed before I leave. It's nice to come home to a clean home.

for calls & emails from my program friends. They truly help

Gratitude

2011-12-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

The ability to show up at work despite my feeling not so great & the flexibility of my co-workers who can cover when I am late.

Coffee. I know that when sick one shouldn't really drink coffee, but I figure it's better than the caffeince withdrawl headache right? I may address this logic further down the road

A fantastic two days off before launching into weeks of work. I'm also grateful for the work.

Taking the time to put up & decorate our tree! I love it!!

Program people reaching out and being able to respond. It helps me stay connected

Gratitude

2011-11-30T17:43:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for.

The ability to watch great acting and think its out of reach

A full nights sleep and sleeping in til 1030!

Feeling better today

Showing up for a job interview despite enormous amounts of irrational fear

For it going well and for letting go of the result

Gratitude

2011-11-29T15:58:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

Work flying by yesterday and going easy, sometimes the holidays gets a little nutso around here, so far, so good.

Actively practicing unconditional compassion with my co workers. It's a lot easier than jumping into the negativity pool

Alka-Seltzer Cold. Hot Tea w/Honey - when I start a cold these are the things I reach for.

Emails, texts & calls from sober friends

A long good nights sleep and even sleeping in a bit in the morning

Gratitude

2011-11-28T12:40:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

Getting a good night's sleep and taking care of myself, I feel a cold comin on

A very fun rehearsal last night. It's been very interesting to be part of this reading and it's all sober people and watch them all through their process.

A book I started reading called 'Power of the Actor'. I'm fascinated by what it has illuminated for me professionally & personally and also how it correlates to sobriety & recovery

Getting up on time and getting to work on time this morning. It always feels good to do that. Everyone else does in this world, what makes me so special! :)

Getting to a meeting at my home group tonight. It's been a while and I look forward to feeling at home

Gratitude

2011-11-27T10:38:00.002-05:00

I'm grateful for:

coming home to a delicious dinner last night, chicken with a delicious tomato & capers sauce

a wonderful night/morning of sleep, it was needed

a quiet morning at home to work on my script, drink coffee and play around on spotify

the Puppini sisters

rehearsal tonight!

Gratitude

2011-11-26T11:15:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

The continued mild fall weather we're having. I LOVE it.

For a quiet evening at home and watching two movies I've been meaning to watch, Limitless & Rabbit Hole (sadly I didn't really LOVE either of them)

That the intense and insane dream I had last night about using ecstasy was just that, a dream. I seemed so real even the scene where I started counting days again. So relieved that was a dream

For a slow easy day at work today

For this video:

GrAtitude

2011-11-24T13:37:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for:

Sleeping past 8 today it's he latest I've gotten up in a whole

A kick ass intensati class today full of love & gratitude

Christopher and his amazingness. I'm so very lucky

My family who always makes me laugh

Getting to spend the day with David and Andre an their family & friends

Gratitude

2011-11-23T09:50:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for

A fabulous meeting at my home group and seeing A get his 90 days

Catching up with my neighbor from childhood who was in town for the night

Getting up early & taking 30 60 90 with Chris

The wonderful day off ahead which includes seeing the new muppets movie!

My rain boots - they seriously rock

Gratitude

2011-11-22T08:14:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

The work day speeding by yesterday

Listening to the messages of the universe last night and going home after work

Phone conversations with my sister and my good friend Lindsay

Getting up early and getting to work early to make up some time from being late yesterday. I never worried about making up time when I was hungover. There's some progress :)

Coffee that helps with everything

The movie 'Micmacs', A cute little french film with a lot of heart and a stellar cast. While I'm at it, I'm grateful for Netflix that allows me to see things I normally wouldn't AND to my boss who reccomends these off beat things to me and I've yet to be disappointed.

Gratitude

2011-11-21T10:25:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for:

a fantastic rehearsal last night, I had a lot of fun and even got assigned another part which is another opportunity to try something new & different. Side note: I've doing this very informal reading with a bunch of actors who I consider to be very successful some being on Broadway and some on TV. It's slightly intimidating but more so it's an opportunity to raise my game and rise to their level. It's nerve wracking & scary but I keep trying

getting home earlier than I thought and having time to watch an episode of "Alias" with Chris. I LOVE this show and love watching it with someone who's experiencing for the first time

For getting up early today and keeping my commitment to qualify at a 7:30am meeting. I think in the almost 5 years I've been sober I can count the amount of morning meetings I've been to on one hand. It's a wonderful way to start the day

For the people at that meeting sharing honestly and openly. It was a beautiful meeting and really set my day in a good (orderly) direction :)

For the moments of grace that I expereince both before and after getting sober. They are the reason for all the good in my life, my trick now is to get out of my own way enough to let them happen. I'm never disappointed when Grace steps in

Gratitude

2011-11-20T15:42:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful for:

Coffee with my friend Michael. A lovely time

Getting to spend time with my niece Samantha she's the cutest

A beautiful gorgeous day today

30 60 90 and intensati classes today

Finally finishing breaking bad episode 1

A chill night and rehearsal

Gratitude

2011-11-19T15:33:00.001-05:00

am grateful today

For this gorgeous weather!

For an amazing intensati class this morning. It was beautiful to watch my friend Lindsay teach from her heart

For breakfast & catching up with my friend John

For connecting with my bestie Paul who lives on the west coast . I miss him greatly

For a feeling of contentment and peace this morning, what a gift!

Gratitude

2011-11-18T11:12:00.002-05:00

I'm grateful this morning for:

reluctantly deciding not to go to class this morning at 6:30a. I need the sleep and my shins needed a day off to recover

winning a contest at Duane Reade last night where our entire purchase was free

Receiving an email from someone asking about meetings and coming into the program. It's nice to know that I'm someone people can ask that of

Getting to see 'On a Clear Day You Can See Forever' last night, it was a quirky, off beat show that I walked away loving

A fun dinner with friends tonight, I've been looking forward to it all week!

Gratitude

2011-11-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

I am grateful today for:

another day off

getting to spend a quality evening with our friends Darbi & Kelvin

American Horror Story

morning coffee with Christopher

Morning Affirmations with John-Andrew

Gratitude

2011-11-16T10:00:00.002-05:00

I'm grateful today

I got a bonus intensati class last night

For a quiet night at home sometimes short term isolation is good for me

A fantastic night of sleep

Rising early for a 30 60 90 class

Having the day off today to do whatever!

Gratitude

2011-11-15T10:41:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

The woman who sneezed as she cut in front of me this morning leaving the subway forcing me to say BLESS YOU out of instinct instead of something else. My higher power has a fantastic sense of humor

Coming home last night to a homemade pot of Tortilla Soup, Chris truly is one of a kind and makes some AWESOME soup

Going to a meeting last night with my friend Scott. It's a meeting a I normally avoid for reasons that make no sense really. It was a fantastic meeting, kept it extremely green for me

That today is my 'Friday' - I have the next two days off!!

The soundtrack to 'The Book of Mormon'. It's hilariously wrong in a million ways

Morning affirmations.

Have a great day!!

Better late than never

2011-11-14T18:26:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful for

A FABULOUS night's sleep, I don't know why sleep has become so important to me but it's prob because I don't usually get a lot of it

Having a fantastic time at our table read thru last night. I had a lot of fear which mostly came from being less than prepared. At least I've got til next Sunday to work on it

For getting to a meeting tonight and possible fellowship afterwards

For scarf weather, I love it

Hope you have a great day!

Gratitude

2011-11-13T13:16:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

the many adventures in life I get to have every day

Getting up & getting to 30/60/90 today, it was hard but a had a great moment in the middle of class where I was like - YES! I'm doing this! Which was a far cry from where my head was previous to class

That I got to talk to a new comer today, we check in with each other every other day or so, he has a sponsor, but it's nice to be accountable to someone else in program too

Realizing today I'm running low on patience and that's all it is. I don't have to hate the world for it

The opportunity to do a reading of a play. we start rehearsal tonight and I'm excited about it, It's kook-a-licious

That I and my close friends continue to stay sober one day at a time

Gratitude

2011-11-12T11:00:00.000-05:00

Good Morning!!

I am grateful today for:
A wonderful night's sleep

Coffee, Coffee and more coffee

Pushing through fear & ambivilance today to train someone at my job

Having a weekend full of work and even though it might seem like a pain in the ass, I'm grateful to be working.

Waking up sober today & loving it

Gratitude

2011-11-11T22:43:00.001-05:00

I am grateful today for

Getting my butt outta bed at 515am and getting to Intensati

A nice easeful breakfast with Chris afterwards

Working hard all day, I like being a hard worker

A dinner invite from my boss and even though I couldn't go, it was a very nice gesture

The express bus

Being part of my friends housewarming & bday celebration in a bar and not feeling a desire to drink

Laying my head down sober

Enjoy your weekend !

Gratitude

2011-11-10T09:29:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful today
For the chance to traipse around NY yesterday snapping all kinds of pics and posting them on instagram

Getting to see my dear friend Eva and her baby Samma who is growing up so fast

For cleaning house yesterday, it was so nice to wake up to

For spending quality time with Chris all day yesterday

For sobriety, that it gives me the chance to enjoy my life today

Gratitude

2011-11-09T10:37:00.001-05:00

m grateful today for:

Having coffee with a friend i hadn't seen in a while last night and talking to my almost after noting how much we've both changed.

Getting my ass outta bed this morning and getting to 30 60 90 class, that was a humble experience after a month off

Quality time with Buddy the pug

The gorgeousness of this day here in NY, I'm seeing a lot of beauty today

Sobriety, its nothing I ever imagined and means the world to me

Gratitude

2011-11-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful this morning for:

The beautiful weather

The chance to listen to new works of theatre being read & watch friends do what they love

Depositing checks FROM MY PHONE!! WHAT

The pratice of gratitude

The fact that being sober helps me face each day in an immediately better place than the days before I was sober.

Gratitude

2011-11-07T13:33:00.001-05:00

I'm grateful today for:

practicing gratitude and taking an action regardless of my feelings

the gorgeous weather

dinner parties with friends

Carrie Underwood, Joni Mitchell & Adele, my muses

Crying. I spent so many years so pent up and would never let myself cry. It's a hard habit to break but easier since I'm not using alcohol to further my disconnection. I'm glad I can slowly let that happen know when it needs to

Gratitude

2011-11-05T09:40:00.001-04:00

I am grateful today for:

the chance to take a leadership role at work last night and just doing it without thought. I mark that as progress in sobriety, as I didnt' immediately jump into fear and self doubt

having fun while working

the amazing team of guys I had worked with last night, they made it so easy

my coffee this morning

Getting the opportunity to do service at the Bill W Dinner tonight - it's the Oscar's of New York AA, and I only say that because it's black tie :)

Gratitude

2011-11-04T09:37:00.000-04:00

I'm grateful today for:

Restraint of pen, tongue & keyboard here at work yesterday, I still marvel sometimes at how people can be SO well just so, the beauty is I can just be.

Getting my ass back to Intensati class last night, it felt great & I'm the best kinda sore today

Take Out Thai Food & American Horror Story on Hulu

Having the courage to keep talking with Chris about something that needs to resolve itself and not choosing to just sweep it under the rug.

Practicing rigorous honesty

2 jobs today and being a worker among workers at both.

And I'm borrowing this from

Gratitude

2011-11-03T14:38:00.000-04:00

I am grateful today for

A fantastic meeting on the serentity prayer as a tool. To me it's all about acceptance

Hugs from my home group folk

A wonderful belated birthday/anniversary dinner with Christopher

An inmproptu visit with my friends Justin & Joe

Being able to have uneasy discussions, doing my best to stay in them and not hide.

Gratitude

2011-11-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

Good Morning!

I am grateful today for:

trying something new yesterday which was eating vegan. It was easier than I thought but by no means is it something I think I could commit to...I like cheese WAY too much

Connecting with old friends

A full day of work between two jobs from 9am until 2am and back at it today. I thought to myself this morning, man this would be difficult if I was hungover to boot, being just plain tired ain't so bad.

Getting to my home group tonight

The opportunity to be of service this weekend at the Bill W Dinner Dance.

Wishing you all the best!
xo

Gratitude

2011-11-01T13:51:00.000-04:00

I am grateful today for:

Being back in the place I call home

My brother and his family for hosting us for a fantastic birthday & Halloween weekend

Work and lots of it

AA for introducing a new way of living.

Celebrating another birthday sober.

The Tool of Gratitude

2011-10-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

I sat in a great meeting last night where the topic was gratitude.

A word I used to cringe at. Thankfully (pun intended), I started writing gratitude lists at the end of every day, and even sometimes on this blog when I can feel my perspective get skewed.

What I realized last night while listening to everyone was that gratitude as a tool is a perpsective shifter. Much like when I first came into this program and my perspective was shifted. It shifted from I HAVE to drink, to I don't HAVE to drink. That opened an iota of possibility that maybe other ideas & pre-concieved notions I had may also one day reverse themselves....sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Gratitude is my way to get there. If I suscribe to the belief that what I talk about I get, then if I focus on the good in my life I will invite MORE good. The opposite is true. I spent years YEARS focused on all the things I wasn't getting, all the life that was going on around me that I couldn't connect to and thinking about that next drink. I don't HAVE to do that today, it's a choice.

And while a lot of external things are fantastic for me, it's the insides that changed that made that possible. The only way to keep it is to keep my insides in check, a fit spiritual condition they call it. I'm grateful to strive for that today.

It's True What They Say

2011-10-24T11:53:00.000-04:00

pg 89 - Alcoholic Anonymous "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics...."

I had the commute from hell this morning, or rather through other eyes it would have been the commute from hell. Luckily in NY these more than one way to get most places even if it requires a bit more walking. I got to work 40 mintues late and had about an hour to get a whole bunch of stuff done prior to sitting at the reception desk. I wasn't quite frazzled but maybe teetering on the edge of frantic & rushed.

The phone rings, I think I can just call them back later, but the number is from someone who is new and who reached out for help at a meeting a went to last week. I pick up, we talk for a bit, nothing urgent no emergency - just one alcoholic talking to another about getting through a Monday.

I hang up, my breath which I had been holding flows easier, I have a smile on my face and I have been right sized.

I love this program. Now off to enjoy a delicious Cortland apple. There is NOTHING like NY State apples in the fall!

Instinct

2011-10-18T15:32:00.001-04:00

I sat in a great meeting last night where the speaker read a couple of passages from Step 4 out of the 12 &12.

I was struck by the word instinct. When I think back to my drinking days and even into sobriety my instincts are/were to lie, steal, hide, cheat, get away with something, run, deny, and to passively play the victim.

I thought about it further and realized that all of these instincts, these reactions are completely and utterly based in fear. That same old record of, if I told you what I was really thinking, you'd run away and never return. Sadly, that record can still play today.

I'm starting my first step today for the second time in sobriety. I decided to read through the chapter in the 12&12 on Step 1 - one of the first sentences is: 'Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness'

...and there it is again, that INSTINCT, but for this alcoholic, my instincts are tainted because they are based in fear & ego. Powerlessness is not something I like to admit, and while I know I am powerless of alcohol, it's interesting to look at other areas in my life and how I CLING onto them for dear life trying to control.

This re-taking of the steps is coming at a good time for me and I am ready to learn more & delve deeper at least I think I am - here goes nothin!

Refreshing

2011-10-13T14:56:00.000-04:00

I am not sure why I live in a place that I need to take a break from, but that's just how New York City is, trust me ask anyone who lives here...a break is always needed.

Luckily for me I got to do that this past weekend. Chris & I returned home (Fayetteville NY) for a wedding of a dear friend. I was also blessed to be able to see my Mom & sister who flew in from Colorado as well as many other family friends. We had a fantastic time.   We visited with old friends, ate out A LOT, when to an apple orchard and really truly enjoyed each other.

We danced our asses off at the wedding and had so much FUN....SOBER!   I had this huge fear when I first got sober that I wouldn't ever have any fun (black & white thinking much). One of those situations arose this weekend: the FAMILY wedding! On the way to the reception I even had the thought 'these people know me as fun, dancing, drunk Jeremy' when it comes to weddings. I pushed that aside and thought allowed myself to believe I can still have fun.

I tell you now I had more fun at this wedding than I can recall at any previous wedding. I wasn't covered in guilt the next day. I didn't say or do anything I regretted and I didn't have to hide.    Thanks to this program & the people in it - I have learned how...

Allowing Change

2011-09-20T11:41:00.000-04:00

I think it's the change of season, or maybe just where I am but the last two days, I've gotten out of bed on time, showered and then laid back down and end up late for work, it's feels deep down like a familiar hang over pattern even though I am clearly and thankfully not.

I read recently one of my sober friends has started saying the serenity prayer anytime he starts to feel judgemental as he goes through his day. I tried this experiment last night on my way home....and it became a running loop of the serenity prayer, guess I need to work on that!

I was sitting in an Intensati class on Sunday and the instructor had asked us what we wanted and not be afraid to dream too big. My first thoughts were: Broadway, then came Weddidng, then came the thought that I can only pick one, one dream right now then came the most beautiful thought- I can have it all.

Allowing myself that has been an awakening. The other thing I realized is that I have to be willing to do the work, that is always my biggest detractor. I'm glad that getting and staying sober has taught me about action & work and that through those anything, I mean ANYTHING can change if I allow it to.

The only proof I need is that I'm sober today and who'd have thought that could ever change.

It's True What they Say

2011-09-14T10:13:00.000-04:00

This program works for those who work it

After a less than stellar Monday, I spent most of yesterday doing what I could to help a fellow who is trying to get back to these rooms. Talk about perspective and attitude adjustment.

Working with others is such a gift. I pray to continue to be of service without condescension. We're going to a meeting tonight together which I am very much looking forward to.

I'm happy to know when it really counts, I can stay out of God's way and simply be an instrument.

Things Come and Go So Quickly Here

2011-09-13T17:12:00.000-04:00

feelings that is....

Yesterday was one of 'those' days. I don't really like even saying that phrase but it was, I woke up tired, work was full of drama which I usually stay out of but it seemed everyone wanted to pull me into it. I got to a meeting and the topic was attitude and what we do to change it, how apropos no? and of course it was a pitch meeting and who was first? ME

I tried quite hard to share solution but it just wasn't where I was and solution or not, what I could be and what I was was honest. Even as I shared I was telling myself to shut up because I was not being a good example of someone who's sober, someone who has got it together (I realize now that the two rarely have anything to do with each other)

I had a free ticket to see 'Rent' last night. A show that is very near & dear to me. I'm ALWAYS moved by the song 'Will I'...anyway, the show put a lot in perspective for me with regards to just taking it easy, appreciating what I have and remembering it's all about love.

Today is better, not perfect but better.

The Things We Tell Ourselves

2011-09-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

Someone in my home group posted this article. I'm left with the impression: I can relate. Especially to this paragraph:
"I drank away the cloud of mediocrity.... The best part about drinking was how it allowed me to feel like I didn't give a damn".

That is what alcohol did for me. It took the things in my life that were once a priorty dreams, relationships, family and slid them further and further away, replacing them with martini glasses, beer bottles, shots, cigarettes, joints, white powders and oblivion.

Without alcohol I can still feel those things. Things like 'my life is not progressing'. 'I'm sober...when are my big dreams just gonna happen!', 'I am at best mediocre' ... How it easy it can still be to jump into the pool self-hatred, despair and judgement.

THANKFULLY. I have other tools today. Tools that help me quickly swim to the ladder & climb out of that pool. Tools I learned through the program of AA & from the people in it. I often think that I am not where I want to be in this world, and the partial truth is, I'm not. I want to be performing on Broadway, that is what in my heart I am meant to do. Today I can rest easy knowing that if it is meant to be that way, it will happen, but not in my time. I need to take the appropriate steps & actions that will hopefully lead down that road. After all I didn't get sober to be on Broadway, I got sober to start living.

I say partial truth because if I look at my life today, I AM living There are so many aspects of my life that are amazing and wonderful. I face each day awake (at least after coffee) and alive. I can be a partner, friend, brother, co-worker, son, sponsor, sponsee and active member of society. When I look at my life today it is so VASTLY different from what it was 4 1/2 years ago and for that I am grateful!

The Sun Always Rises

2011-08-30T11:10:00.001-04:00

I had the amazing pleasure of listening to a speaker yesterday who was the same speaker I heard at my very first meeting.

It was a HUGE reminder of how far I've come and beautiful to listen to how far he has come. I love that I choose to attend meetings where I can watch others grow, actively. It's such a gift that we have that. I went out briefly for fellowship with some friends I hadn't seen in a while and then took a yoga class. It was a beautiful day.

I was thinking this morning as I left early for work & watched the pink of the sunrise kiss & reflect off the buildings around me that the sun always rises, and though last night was by no means a dark night for me. When I had those dark nights of the soul, the sun eventually rose. No night lasts forever, that is a beautiful peace of mind.

Photo courtesy of http://cameronclayton.com/

Drama!

2011-08-29T11:09:00.000-04:00

I'll admit it. I love drama yet hate it at the same time.

I was caught up all Friday with the impending storm 'Irene'. so much in fact that I went straight home after work skipping my meeting so I could obsessively check & re-check all our preparations and then visit weather.com every ten or so minutes for all the updates. I jumped in fully to the drama, heeded the warnings & lived for every update. It was exahausting.

I woke up Saturday morning praying that my job for that would be cancelled, it wasn't. Regardless of my feelings about it, I showed up. Which was good because there were only about 6 of us. I was put on bartending which isn't a normal duty for me but when resources are thin you just gotta do what you're told. The job itself wasn't so hard but boy was my judgements! There was the one woman who kept coming and asking me to 'make it a strong one'. Sometimes I hate those mirrors that show up in life but tonight I was grateful under all the judgement. Grateful that I wouldn't have to stumble home through a hurricane!

I feel a bit foolish now that it's all said and done. I am grateful that we had enough warning and that thankfully New York City did not get hit as badly as they thought. I pray for those areas that are recovering from intense damage & flooding. Can't WAIT for my meeting tonight which will be followed by a yoga class!

2011-08-23T17:03:00.000-04:00

I don't really have anything specific to update about but I'd wanted to try & write more on here so rather than hem & haw about what I want to say, I'm just gonna type.

Fall seems to be creeping in here which is welcome, though I'd prefer a few more weeks of summer. I've gotten back into a good schedule with meetings as well as the gym which has done wonders for me. Chris & I are also working on the 100 pushup challenge/200 situp challenge (http://www.onehundredpushups.com/)

I'm looking forward to meeting with my sponsor tonight. I'm both excited & scared to start the steps again. I want to remain teachable and open so I will try to go in with that mind set rather than the - i've done this before why am I doing it again idea.

Sending some love to all my bloggy friends! XO

Great Day

2011-08-12T12:00:00.000-04:00

I was asked last minute to qualify at my home group the other night. It was a blssing in disguise and a reminder that service ALWAYS keeps me sober and makes me feel better. I was taught early on to always say yes to service and I'm glad I did.

Yesterday I had a day beyond my wildest dreams. Firstly it could not have been a more beautiful day here in New York, I think God was showing off a bit but I'm happy about that. Secondly, Chris & I spent most of the morning & afternoon cruising around & touring possible wedding venues. It's amazing to think that a year from now I will be a married man. I love it. To top it all off, we got to attend a beautiful wedding ceremony last night for our friends Doug & Shawn. I never thought I was one to cry at weddings, but apparently, I am.

Today, I think about the stark difference in my life now versus what it was four and a half years ago. I am so grateful for this program and the people in it who have taught me how to live.

Avail Yourself of a Sponsor

2011-08-05T11:53:00.000-04:00

I met my sponsor in the way that worked best for me. It was outside of the meeting room while waiting in line for the restroom and no one else was around. It was around 13 days in and I was a nervous wreck when it came to talking to people or even speaking in meetings. He asked a simple question:
'How are you today?'

I don't recall how I responded but I did tell him I was new. He gave me his number and asked if I could do him one small favor and just call him tonight to let him know I got home OK. I did. I don't remember much of that conversation either but it resulted in agreeing to get coffee together. His kind eyes, his relating to me that he had felt that way too spoke to me on levels I didn't acknowledge until much later on down my path. He saved me without my knowing it.

We began to work together and have done so for the last four and a half years. Recently, I re-committed to doing the steps together and being a bit more accountable & active in our recovery. It certainly is the gift that keeps on giving.

I hope one day to be the kind of man to someone else the way he is to me. If you don't have a sponsor get one. It will change your life. If you do have one, ask the question I asked myself recently - is this relationship working? If it's not, what can change? What can WE do to work this WE program. I promise you won't be sorry you did.

Renewal

2011-07-20T09:30:00.000-04:00

Whew I needed that.

I think last night was one of the best conversations I've had with my sponsor in a while. We both owned our sides of our relationship and the defined what will work best for us going forward.

It was wonderful. We decided that it's time to delve through the steps again, go a little deeper, learn a lot more. I am both excited and scared of that prospect.

No pain no gain as they say. I'm grateful for the opportunity and am ready to embrace them again with more honesty & faith than I had the first time around.

As far as the elusive sponsee, or potential sponsee. I have decided to tell him that I can only work with what worked for me and if he's not willing to do that then perhaps there is someone else who could help him in the way that he need. I am willing to listen if he needs.

What To Do?

2011-07-19T16:29:00.000-04:00

I'm extremely grateful that I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight. We've been sort of out of touch as of late and I'm glad to have the opportunity to sit down and talk with him at length about my sobriety, what I need and what is next.

I also get to talk to him but am posing the question to you lovely readers: How do you work with someone who doesn't 'want it'. Every suggestion I make is met with complacency and patronization. I know it's not about what I think he should do, but my suggestions are based in what worked for me. If nothing changes, well nothing changes. I want to continue to be the open hand/ear/heart of AA but am finding it difficult as of late. I know what my sponsor would say, there is a reason that this person is in your life at this moment. There is a lesson I need to learn.

I will continue to pray for this individual and for the guidance to do the right thing.

The Hangover

2011-07-18T17:13:00.000-04:00

I went to a morning meeting on Saturday. When the topic was announced is was like - what?

The topic was HANGOVER.

I thought it an odd topic until I started to listening awaiting my turn in the round robin circle. I started thinking about my very first very serious hangover. I had gone to visit my boyfriend at the time at college recently after my 17th birthday. I'd been drinking for a little over a year or so and was SO ready for my first college party! Needless to say, this alcoholic overindulged, blacked out, vaguely remember scenes of making out with some who was not my boyfriend, throwing up for hours on end and sleeping the next day AWAY completely missing dinner with his parents and any other social thing we were supposed to do that day. I felt awful, I knew it was the alcohol that did it to me and yet, I had the thought:
"Well, I didn't do that right (just another thing in the long list of things I couldn't do right), guess I'll try again next time"

10 YEARS later I got sober. 10 years of hangovers, some worse some not as bad, 10 years of treating my body as a chemistry set trying to find the right balance of drinks, drugs, vitamins, pain killers & food to allow me maximum fun with minimum pain because after all who wants consequences?

I'm grateful today that not only do I not poison my body with alcohol or drugs, but I'm also very aware of what I do put in my body, just another gift of sobriety and I'm extremely grateful that I haven't had a hangover in 4 years and some months

Surprise!

2011-07-15T12:46:00.000-04:00

I shared the other night in a meeting about those moments that happen to me now in sobriety where I am completely take by surprise.

Those moments when I have a usual thought or judgement which then is immediately followed by a softer, gentler thought towards myself or another human being. I've come to realize what a gift that is when it occurs.

I had another such moment this morning when I opened my email and had a note from one of my managers at a event business I work with offering his help as we plan our wedding. It was a nice surprise because in my limited thinking I figured there was no way they'd even want to help little old me (P.O.S. at the center of the universe)...but there it was in writing. What a gift, and now it seems even more of the gift is my ability to accept help (which doesn't come easily), but I am willing.

I hope your weekend surprises you!

Lessons Learned

2011-07-13T12:37:00.000-04:00

Recently I was saddened to hear that one of my litter-mates went out & relapsed.

The good news is that he is back.

What this brought to mind or rather reminded me of is that I am NOT immune to this disease, time does not pull me further away from a drink. I think sometimes my mind likes that idea and so I rest on those laurels but the truth is, a drink is always ALWAYS an arm's length away.

I find it interesting that in times past when I heard of someone relapsing I would get so angry about it. I'll admit when my friend told me about it I had a similar reaction briefly, wondering what it was like ...but thankfully somehow somewhere over the last 4 1/2yrs through the help of this program & my higher power I've come to understand that what may be a moment, or even a night of "fun", would have disastrous consequences for my life as I know it today, even if nothing MAJOR were to happen. I'm grateful for that knowledge and peace. I am grateful that my friend is back. I am grateful that I can be compassionate. I am grateful that I choose not to drink today

A Quickie

2011-07-09T11:14:00.001-04:00

I was on facebook this morning and somehow the chat thingy was turned on which I never use because I find it annoying,

Anyway, I get a chat from a friend from college. Basic Hi how are you questions, then somewhat sheepishly he asks if I can do him a favor, so I say yes. He then asks if I could call his phone, gives me his number....he can't seem to find it. I call, it goes straight to voicemail, to which he responds: "Damn this drinking"

- AMEN TO THAT -

I'm so grateful I don't have to do that anymore.

Crossing the Line

2011-07-08T12:30:00.000-04:00

I went to a great meeting yesterday where we read from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pages - 4-7 of 'Bill's Story'

I am amazed at how everytime I read this story or anything from the Big Book something new jumps out at me. Yesterday's slight of wisdom was: "Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity" (Pg 5). In my head I rolled that around and even added: ...it then became a liabilty.

It really got me thinking about when that line was crossed for me. I can't identify exactly when I went from enjoying alcohol to using alcohol. I'm pretty sure it was very early on in my drinking career even though my denial and possibly ego would tell you it was much later.

I think the reason I really needed to hear that is that this disease is cunning, baffling & powerful. Always has been and always will be. I'd say for the last month or so I have been craving a cigarette like no body's business! That's crazy because I quit smoking long before I quit drinking. My mind says things like: it's not alcohol, what harm can one do? And maybe that's true (not) but who's to say it's just one AND really I must look at the why? Why do I want to hide. What am I escaping? Some of the answers, I know and perhaps some not.

What I will do is continue talking about it at meetings, NOT SMOKE. Pray & meditate. It will be lifted, nothing lasts forever.

In other very exciting news, I think that Chris & I found the place we're going to get married!!!! I'll post pics at some point once we've decided.

A New Kind of Freedom

2011-07-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

I love that part of the promises, that before we are half way through we will know new kind of freedom and a new kind of happiness.

It's strange because I've never really reflected on it before, but the things I thought (while drinking) would make me happy & free aren't the things that bring me that today.

I spent most of yesterday hanging out in the park with my friends baby, whom I adore. Chris & I are 'uncles' to this precious little girl. She totally melts my heart. She learning to walk and it's her new favorite thing to take a little spin and then come back to the blanket. Luckily for me, I got to be her guide. Me, the fall down drunk who most times would've benefited from a little guidance while stumbling home.

It was a gift to share that with her yesterday, to be trusted with someones child. To spend an afternoon free from everything except those that were there with me also relishing in the deliciousness of the summer afternoon. A new freedom & happiness indeed!

Happy 4th Y'all!!

Stop! You are Surrounded

2011-06-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

It's all around me.

I love how my awareness of things is always more acute after a meeting, and even more so when my spiritual path is slightly challenged as it is a chance for growth.

I sat in a meeting last night where we discussed the topic of justifiable anger. My awareness of just how often I do this came rushing through my body and has stayed with me most of the day as well today and what an interesting day it's been. Dealing with personalities here at work, having to go to the dentist which always pulls up my fear of financial insecurity, then being late back to work and dealing with that...a whole lot of justifiable & just plain anger.

Something I heard last night that resonated with me is that when I hold onto anger & resentments, it only hurts me. This fact is something I know on a mental level but certainly not something I practice on a spiritual, physical level.

Today is an opportunity to do so. I am grateful for that and I know this too shall pass. Thanks for letting me get it out!

An Education in Grey

2011-06-22T16:40:00.001-04:00

I've been on jury duty since last Wednesday.

Most people roll their eyes or groan when they receive that notice in the mail. I'll admit I was one of them. Through the tool of acceptance, I was able to put my feeling aside and really enjoy (most) of that process. Our legal system to me is fascinating, at least from the perspective from which I viewed it this week.

This alcoholic likes a black & white world. I LIVE for definite. Since getting sober it's one of my biggest struggles to see in shades of grey, but I do know they exist and I think I've made some progress in this area.

This case could not have been more grey. I suppose, most are or they wouldn't be on trial, it either happened or it didn't. It was interesting to listen to other's arguments around the table where we were deliberating. I was even surprised to find that at some points I was a voice of grey reason.

I am grateful that I see in shades of grey & that sobriety taught me how

Obstacles

2011-06-09T12:19:00.000-04:00

I went to a great meeting last night. It was a meeting based on a topic from 'As Bill Sees It'. The reading was:

As Bill Sees It page 131

Obstacles in Our Path

WE live in a world riddled with envy. To a greater or lessor degree, everybody is infected with it. From this defect we must surely get a warped yet definite satisfaction. Else why would we consume so much time wishing for what we have not, rather than working for it, or angrily looking for attributes we shall never have, instead of adjusting to the fact, and accepting it.

EACH of us would like to live at peace with himself and with his fellows. We would like to be assured that the grace of God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

WE have seen that character defects based upon shortsighted or unworthy desires are the obstacles that block our path towards these objective. We now clearly see that we have been making unreasonable demands upon ourselves, upon others and upon God.

Twelve and Twelve
#1 page 67
#2 page 76
Copyright A. A. World Services Inc.
=====================================================
I was particularly struck by the last passage "We have been making unreasonable demands upon ourselves, upon others and upon God".

I then looked back at the title: Obstacles in our Path.

I started thinking about how often I AM the obstacle in my path and how my sometimes extreme self-centeredness keep me inside myself.
I feel like sharing a success story. That of my week in Vermont. I constantly challenged myself to try something different, to not hide, to let myself out. I of course couldn't do this without help from God and without some serious meditation and prayer. What I thought would be SO difficult usually turned out to be a slight adjustment in the way I view things or the way I act. A small amount of willingness goes a long way.

I was able to fully be myself on stage and within a character. It was a gift

Now being back in NY, I try to carry that with me here. In my day to day and in meetings to get outside myself, to break through that bondage of self. It's harder to do when I'm back in my patterns, but it is something I'm striving towards. I'm grateful I am willing

I Have Returned!

2011-06-08T16:17:00.000-04:00

Imagine being in a place with no cell service & limited Internet access. Scary? Well, only for a few days, then it was just plain heaven!

Dorset, Vermont could be one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. I truly feel that my experience there has changed me. I connected with nature & my higher power in a whole other way than before and it was amazing.

I was also challenged physically, emotionally & mentally by the show we put up there. It was unlike anything I've ever done before. Demanding & exploratory and downright fun. I have no regrets! Every time I stepped out on stage I could hear one of my teacher's voices saying: "Leave it all here" and so I did every time, I would finish a show drenched in sweat and knowing that I just did my best, the best I could do in that moment in time. It was rewarding beyond belief. The other gift was sharing a stage with 5 actors who also did the same, without question or hesitation. They too gave of themselves, they let their lights shine so that we could all shine together. It was a pleasure and a gift I will never forget.

What I learned about myself during this was, the more I do things I wouldn't normally do: meditate, warm up, take time for me, focus, the more I'm able to live fully in the moment, to hear myself, to my HP, and to listen....then to give. Give of myself. Give everything I have....no half measures indeed!
I will never forget nor be able to fully articulate what I went through this past 10 days, all I know is that I am changed. That it was all divinely guided and that I am blessed.

Right Here Right Now

2011-05-24T11:05:00.000-04:00

I feel like the world is swirling around me and so much to take care of.

I'm at work for two more days and then gone for 2 weeks. I'm negotiating our lease renewal. I'm signing the contract for the show I'm doing. I'm waiting to hear news an another show I'm considered for. I'm trying to get my service positions covered. I'm learning lines and on and on and on.

When I get this way I find it's the perfect opportunity to breathe, and focus on what's in front of me. I can only do one thing at a time. FIRST THINGS FIRST. Life will sometimes swirl around you, it a perfect reminder to stay in the moment, trust in the higher power that gently guides through each day, and put one foot in front of the other.

There is no other place I'd rather be!

Tender Lovin' Care

2011-05-23T14:26:00.000-04:00

I walked into a meeting yesterday & it was the perfect place for me - a meeting on Step 3 - EXACTLY what I needed.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over the the CARE of God as we understand him.

It was pointed out quite beautifully in the meeting that we turn our will & out lives over to the CARE of God. Not the punishment of God, not the judgement of God, not the lack of God but the complete and total CARE.

I'd never heard that step in that way before and now I see it differently. I had a shift in that meeting that made me think regardless of all the things I needlessly worry about, I am truly and totally taken care of and when I trust in that, listen to the guidance I am given by my idea of a Higher Power and stay in a service mind frame in all areas of my life, I'm in a good place. I'm in the middle of the road on this journey and I put one foot in front of the other a bit more confidently.

Life is good, really really good. Thanks to God.

A Quiet Thing

2011-05-15T10:19:00.000-04:00

What do you do when your dream arrives?

I'm reminded of the song 'A Quiet Thing' from 'Flora, the Red Menace'.....specifically the lyric: When it all comes through, just the way you planned it's funny but the bells don't ring. It's a quiet thing.

Amidst the craziness that has been this week, I got cast in a show! I am thrilled. It's great news and it'll take me away to Vermont for a week which I think is slightly needed. Don't get me wrong I love this city LOVE this city, but I do think that sometimes to fully love this city you need some time away. It's interesting because I view getting this gig as something completely divinely guided. It's not this HUGE thing that I built up in my head, as usual when I get an acting gig. I start to think, oh this, this will be the one to launch my career! Broadway here I come.....and while definitely that is where I'm headed, this gig is a step in that direction. A step on a staircase where I can't see the top, if in fact the top even is Broadway - who knows. I'm excited for the opportunity to grow, expand, play

The other quiet thing I've thought about lately is meditation. A quiet thing that has seriously lacked in my life. I was given the gift of Meditation for Beginners by Jack Kornfield. A guiding meditation CD. So far it's helpful. I'm excited to start growing in this way too. I feel it's a huge part of my program that has been missing or rather ignored. I look forward to integrating it.

What are your favorite meditation tips?

Step by Step

2011-05-06T17:46:00.000-04:00

I love those moments in life when the thing that is SO obvious screams through.

I've been hemming and hawing lately, do I want to be an actor? do I not? I've been comparing others success to my own which is simply a recipe for complacency with a dash of fear, or rather a few cups full. I've started to get back to gratitude, meetings and service service service!

I've started feeling better and started to take ACTION in my life. Submissions, Auditions, I'm hitting them again. It feels good.

And, thanks to this program and my practice with Intensati, it also feels different. My 'aha' moment was when someone told me, it's not my job to decide what's right for me, my job is to show up and do my best. The rest is none of my concern. My job is take the step without knowing where the staircase leads, have a little faith if you will.

Something clicked in my head while in a meeting shortly after I'd read this advice from my friend. The word steps. I'd had some fear about approaching and moving through the 12 steps of our program but I did it, with the gentle guidance of a sponsor and the ability to talk through each step each moment with my fellows. In fact I couldn't have done it without all of those people. I'm a grateful for that.

I am trying to approach my life in much the same way, take the steps in faith, talk about my fear.

All I really need to know I learned when counting days :)

2011-05-05T00:15:00.000-04:00

I am grateful today for:
my sponsor and the wisdom he imparts
the opportunity to be of service tonight
for remaining open & learning
for stepping through fear
for being in the moment(s) today when we went to visit our first wedding venue!! AH!
for the magic that is Harry Potter
for the magic around us all the time
for being sober
for all of you

Return to Gratitude

2011-05-02T16:42:00.000-04:00

I am grateful today for:
1.) Living in a wonderful apartment in New York City
2.) The ability to practice Intensati this morning
3.) That most days I live in acceptance
4.) That I can practice patience & understanding, virtues lost on me while I was drinking
5.) The ability to love & accept love taught to me by the rooms of AA

I thought or rather have felt lately that I need a serious dose of gratitude in my life so I'm going to try to get back to posting that at least daily. Much Love to you!

Easy Does It

2011-04-27T11:52:00.000-04:00

That was the topic last night. I had to smile to myself when the meeting started as the day leading up to that meeting was short of easy.

I sat there in the meeting thinking about why. Why had the day been so hard? Why do they all seem repeats of the previous days? Why when I wake in the morning do I feel like someone has hit the countdown clock and I've gotta get a move on, get at this day and on and on it goes until I lay my head down at night to squeeze in some rest before starting all over again.

I realize latley that it's of my own making, I overextend, I overwork, I overdo.

Easy Does It....helps me to relax. Restores my serenity. Lets me breathe. I am grateful for it, I just need to remember it.

A Mighty Fortress Is Ourselves

2011-04-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

When I was drinking, or maybe even before I started, I was a loner. Some may find that hard to believe being the middle child of 3 and growing up in a very loving family, but I can clearly recall long before I picked up how I relished my alone time. A lot of my growing up I felt very in-between.

By the time my drinking had spun out of control, I was an expert loner. I could feel alone in a city of 8 million, at parties, at bars surrounded by 'friends'....the loneliness was there. I was a fortress unto myself. No one getting in. What I didn't realize at the time was that I could not get out. Alcohol gave me the illusion of connection. The fleeting facade of my life is what I let you see fully believing that I was being honest, true and showing myself. It couldn't have been further from the truth.

I entered this program still in my fortress. I credit the fellowship for slowly deconstructing my barricades, trenches & walls. Specifically, a sponsor who ever so gently & lovingly chided me to go out after a meeting even though it was the last thing I WANTED to do. Much like a rock smoothed over time by running water, the edges of me dulled as this program and it's people washed over me.

Today, having lost a lot of my defenses. I find the challenge to be climbing out of my self made prison of selfishness and self. I understand more than ever the line from the 3rd step prayer: "release me from the bondage of self". I amazed at how far I can perceive the distance between me and another person. Meetings help. Praying helps. Service helps. Practice. Today I try to practice making my'self' uncomfortable. That is where growth will happen. I am grateful for it.

Give Up

2011-04-18T17:28:00.000-04:00

There seems to be a repeating message I keep hearing at meetings lately, or more likely my awareness of it has been lifted.

Surrender.

I had to smile when a fellow at my Saturday morning meeting said that whenever she hears that word she pictures this:

I wish that those letters had been printed so clearly for me when it came to surrendering my 'control' over alcohol, I may have paid attention if it came in that package. Clearly, I had my own course to run filled with dark scary places & perhaps a flying monkey or two :)

What struck me as interesting as I sat in that meeting was what does that word mean to me today. I still have an association with weakness & giving up. I also have a second thought now though, giving up, giving up to what? A higher power - yes, yes that. When I struggle with my charachter

defects, it helps me to remember this. I can just let them go, do something different, give them up to one who can take them, surrender. I love the strength in that. I need the strength in that.

I have to share a lot of gratitude to those in my life who let me live and try waters on my own, but never lose sight of me. This program & fellowship are amazing.

The 'BIG' questions

2011-04-02T11:21:00.000-04:00

So just to get them out of my head and somewhere in the open, the questions I've been having are:
1.) Am I still willing to do what it takes to live my dream.
(My career dream is to be an actor on Broadway)
More and more I'm discouraged by this process, I feel or rather I tell myself that I am not as skilled, not as talented, not as prepared, not as committed to it as I used to be. I also feel I've never given it my true best. so there's that.

2.) Do I still want to be in NY? I discovered or rather noticed recently that I've become quite cynical. I once heard a quote: "Live in southern California but leave before it makes you soft, live in New York city but leave before it makes you hard".....lately I've been feeling that way. Hardened, cynical & bitter. I both love & hate this city sometimes. It's truly the first time since moving here that I've consistently had these thoughts and I'm not sure what to do with them

What this week has taught me is that thoughts are just thoughts and can be changed & the feelings don't last forever.
I'm working on cultivating my relationship with God and continuing to pursue that connection. When I trust that I am divinely guided then every thing is exactly as it should be.
I pray to remain open hearted, willing, loving, available, emotionally in touch, compassionate and gentle.

A great weekend to you all

Perceptions they are a changin'

2011-03-31T16:20:00.000-04:00

Today is much better. Thank you for your suggestions & support!
I got my butt to a meeting last night, I didn't want to be there in fact through most of it I was seething. My skin was crawling with anger & resentment. Somewhere during my not so great day yesterday I decided that all the big questions in my life needed to be answered and I also knew that they were not going to be but my ever willful self just decided to keep myself in that prison of despair & hopelessness, a downward spiral of my very own making that I was just plain too stubborn to pull out from.

I'm usually an action kinda guys especially when I'm feeling off, but yesterday I just didn't want to. My ego or my sub-conscious or whatever crossed his little arms, plopped down on the ground and said NO, I'm staying.

The first crack in my veneer occurred outside the meeting, a very nice & short talk with my sister (who I'm usually giving advice to) who reminded me of something I needed to hear about myself .....shortly thereafter I was catching up with some other fellows when out came a day counter, right up to us and said hello. We got to talk about him, it was a nice but brief break for my brain....then into the meeting, which was a topic meeting, and the topic was perception.

I realized I needed a shift in perception. I also realized that I can't force these things, that I just needed to feel my feelings and move with them. Sometimes where I am is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I still have a lot of questions today, but I also have some patience, faith & stillness. I am so grateful for that and for the life I'm allowed to live because I am sober today.

The Edge of Discomfort

2011-03-30T15:35:00.000-04:00

Well hello, sorry I stayed away so long. Everytime I've tried to write I come up with reasons not to.

I think mostly it's fear. I'm afraid of the things I've been thinking, feeling etc. and so I do what I know to do best - clam up.

Mentally, I know this does not help me. I'm always amazed out how much pain or uncomfortablitly I can just sit in because, well, it's comfortable, familiar, safe.

We finished a series in Intensati based on 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz this week. It was a great month. We also worked a series called 100% PURE LOVE (courtesy of the amazing Lindsay. Both of these I think have pushed me to a place of extreme self reflection. Which is fantastic!

What happens though when I don't like or am unprepared for the thoughts that occur? Thoughts like:
I'm not sure I want to live in New York anymore
I'm not sure I'm willing to do the work it takes to succeed as an actor in this city

Thought I never thought I would be having. Needless to say, I FEEL a lot about these thoughts a kin to a Tasmanian Devil whirring around inside.

I can't focus in meetings, it all sounds so good for that hour a day but when I leave, it all comes rushing back. I feel I'm on a precipce of what I'm not sure and I feel the only thing preventing me from taking the leap of faith is me. This too shall pass, I just wonder if I should be doing something

Why?

2011-03-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

I once heard that 'why?' is an unfaithful question.

I heard a qualification the other day where the speaker talked about his first year in sobriety prior to his relapse, and the whole first year he kept trying to figure out WHY he drank the way he did.

I started thinking about my own story and how I sometimes get very wrapped up in the WHY. The truth is there were a million whys and it doesn't really matter why because I never needed an excuse to drink. I would find one. Or perhaps just do it cause it's what I did.

What matters and the reason I know that I'm an alcoholic is what happened after that first drink, or sometimes in the middle of it or even sometimes after that first sip. I became consumed with having more, more alcohol, more attention, more fun, more more more. That is a fact I know. That is a fact I live with and that is WHY everyday I ask for protection to not pick up that first drink.

Gift from the Heart

2011-03-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

While I was directing the round up play we did a secret Santa. My gift was the book 'The Language of the Heart' a collection of 'Grapevine' writings by Bill W. and almost a history lesson of this program of AA.

I've been reading an entry a night, just a couple of pages. Last night's reading (pgs 6-9) I found particularly interesting with regards to 'our public relations policy'

particularly this paragraph:
"During the his first AA years every AA has had plenty of the urge to revolt against authority. I know I did and I can't claim to be over it yet....I can look back on such experiences with much amusement. And gratitude as well. They taught me that the very quality which prompted me to govern other people was the identical egocentricity which boiled up in my fellow AA's when they themselves refused to be governed".

This struck because recently I've felt exactly that way.This reading made me feel very much less alone.
I've been working with my partner to try & get my finances straight. I want to do this so that we can save for our wedding. I also want to do this because I have never been disciplined about this area of my life. 'On paper' as it were, I was ready to try our new plan but when it came down to it and I had to be accountable these huge walls & resistance went up. I was reminded about the paragraph above.

I am praying to be more willing to work together with someone. It's hard to ask for help, but sometimes even harder to accept it. Progress not perfection

Make Something

2011-03-06T15:12:00.000-05:00

I am not one who enjoys art museums or galleries. Actually, for the most part they make me sleepy. Yes, I'm able to appreciate art in it's many forms but museums & galleries just don't get me going.

Especially what is considered Modern Art. For some reason, I always feel like: really? I could've made this...

Anyway, I came across an article in Time MAgazine that I found fascinating. It profiles a modern artist named Thornton Dial. While the author delves into deeper meanings of this man's 'works of art'. I was touched by his story. He loses a job and simply starts to collect things, mold them, meld them, paint them in an effort it seems just to make something beautiful. The article notes that the artist lacks of formal training & has had very little school.

It highlighted for me that conundrum I often think about. Talent. I have it, I believe it's divinely inspired and I do my best to honor it. I sometimes think though that I would have been better off not going to school for 'it'. I left school with more doubts than I had before school and it's almost to the point that anything I do talent-wise (singing/acting) is covered cerebrally by all the things I 'learned' about how one is supposed act, sing etc. Throw on top of that the fears, doubt and insecurity that alcoholism breed and it's one dangerous concoction for the soul.

I thinking about Mr. Thornton Dial, I think about the talents that God blessed me with and how grateful I am to know that I possess them. How grateful that when I honor them, I also honor my maker & myself.

Art as subjective as it is is merely an extension of one's own creativity however that chooses to express itself in your life. Go out & make something. That's all Mr. Dial did, no thoughts to what i could be or should be. Or in the words of my favorite lyricist: "Let it come from you, then it will be new, give us more to see" - Stephen Sondheim

Long. Slow. Recovery

2011-03-02T09:07:00.000-05:00

I was moved deeply by this morning's reading about hope & patience.

I remember when I qualified for the first time after hitting 90 days a few guys saying 'We Wish you a long slow recovery' and I remember hating that they said that.

I had thoughts like 'can't you see how good I'm doing?' I thought I was on the accelerated track to recovery.

I know and very grateful that I wasn't on a fast or slow track at all, but my own track. Sometimes I got things quickly & others I've had to learn slowly or again & again

I now get the idea of a long slow recovery and I wouldn't have it any other way. I get to work on patience. The other thing I realize, though not new wisdom is that nothing ever worth it is gotten quickly because that work, dedication and heart that goes into pursuing something is what makes it worthwhile in the end.

I try to remember this in recovery, in relationships and in pursuing my dreams. All in his time, not mine - just keep working. Slow & steady

Make Our Garden Grow

2011-03-01T08:42:00.000-05:00

I loved the Daily Reflection this morning:

It works - it really does

So Simple. A great reminder that all I need to know is that simple fact. I don't have to get wrapped up in the HOW & the WHY. I just have to trust that it does.

when I doubt, all I have to do is look around at the garden of drunks around me who are all growing & basking in the sun to realize that I am too. trust + faith = growth.

Strength & Hope

2011-02-26T10:05:00.000-05:00

4 Years ago today - February 26th, 2007

I woke on that Monday morning, still feeling awful. My whole being hurt. I dressed in an outfit that took a minimum amount of effort and got on my way to work.

I got off the train and plodded to work. I felt heavy hearted, heavy minded and not myself. I started to make it through my day. I hung up after speaking with a difficult client and was shaking, I thought that I'd just breathe but I couldn't catch my breath.

I remembered meeting with a friend of mine the previous summer over dinner. He had made an amends to me over my glasses of wine, but what I remembered in that moment was that he had stopped drinking. I called him. I left a message saying I knew it had been a while, but I think that I have a problem drinking and I wondered what I should do.

He called back a few hours later, he was out of town but gave me the address of his favorite meeting. 5'o clock hit and I left work & headed up town.

I paced outside the clubhouse for about 10 minutes, watching people come & go, I thought OK, well what could this hurt.

I buzzed the door. It clicked. I walked through and started to climb the stairs. At the second landing there was a grey metal door with the AA sign over the window. I stood outside it thinking, okay....if you walk through this door, your life is going to change.....then I thought NO, I can't do this....I backed up...then another thought came: you buzzed the door silly, they know you're out here and they are waiting for you....and with that i pushed the door and walked in

I remember a lot about my first meeting. I sat in the back. I listened to someone tell their story, I hadn't done the same things, or been in the same situations but I had certainly felt everything he spoke of - everything. When the break came I raised my hand, stood up and said: My name is Jeremy and I am an alcoholic, this is my first day.

In that moment my life changed. In that moment I gave myself a chance. In that moment I had a glimpse of something better. I gave myself a shot at something different and have been doing that every day since.

The beauty is now, when I don't know what to do, I can ask, I can watch the people around me in the fellowship, see how they go through it without drinking, I can listen and learn. What a gift.

Another lyric from that show I was doing: "If I show you the darkness I hold inside, will you bring me to light?" AA certainly has and I am so grateful

Dragging On....

2011-02-25T11:31:00.000-05:00

Four years ago today: February 25th, 2007

I begrudgingly woke at 11am. My head was pounding, my stomach aching, my throat dry dry dry. I sipped some more water as to not upset my stomach. Sitting on my chest was a 2-ton brick of shame, disappointment, hurt, anger, resentment and fear. The resounding voice in my head kept saying: "Again?! YOU did this again!".

I showered, dressed and left the house for my hour train ride to Brooklyn. I passed out on the train amidst thoughts of constant berating & self-scolding. I mean any Irish man such as myself should be able to control his drinking, I have a high tolerance and am proud of it! What is wrong with me?

I moved like molasses through our show. It was miserable. We got to our first group number in the show, on of my favorites called 'On My Way'. I loved singing it, it has a great beat and there's no way you can't smile while singing it, no way that is unless you are completely hungover and in your head. My favorite song, in our last show and I couldn't even be present for it. I sat there on stage during the subsequent scene and thoughts flowed through me: "This is not the dream you dreamt" "You can't pursue your dream like this"....

The show ended, I was more happy for it to be over than anything else. I headed over to a friend's house to watch the Oscar's a few blocks away. I walked in the door and was greeted with hugs & a vodka/soda on the rock...yes, just one. It was my poison, my regular and it was poured the minute I rang the bell. I had the thought "YES! The hair of the dog - finally I'll feel better"...after all it worked so many times before

I took a sip and something somewhere in my mind or body revolted slightly, and then I felt worse.

I sat down on the couch & put the drink in front of me on the table. It sat there the next four hours untouched. I can still recall watching the sweat dripping down the side of the glass and wanting with almost every part of my being to pick up that drink, to prove I could drink again, to prove I could do it normally...

That sip was my last drink. I left my friend's house and returned to the apartment I was calling home. I was confused, scared, ashamed and hadn't the slightest idea what to do so I went to bed.

What It Was Like

2011-02-24T14:09:00.002-05:00

Four Years ago today- February 24th, 2007

It was a Saturday. It was the final week of our show. My first show in New York since moving here to go to an acting school in 1999. It might also be important to note that this show was the first real audition I'd been on since leaving school in 2000. Why? I was very busy drinking and being 'fabulous'.

I was thrilled to have been cast in this show. A month prior when I started rehearsals I left my boyfriend of 5 years after another spectacular bender and I was convinced that he & the relationship were the problem and the reason of why I couldn't stop drinking once I started.

We did our show. I don't remember much of the performance except that we had a sold out show and a great time on stage. I loved doing that show it was fantastic. As a cast we decided to go out to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant around the corner. My dinner consisted mostly of margaritas and they free chips & salsa on the table. Most of us had to take the train back into Manhattan that night as the show was in Brooklyn.

One of the cast members asked if I wanted to join him and some friends out in Hell's Kitchen for a 'nightcap'. Of COURSE I replied!! Nightcap for me = vodka/soda, vodka/soda, a couple of shots of whatever someone else was buying and a vodka/diet coke - for the caffeine of course. Keeping in mind at this point it's probably around 12:30 or 1 am. I have to be at the theatre which is about an hour's ride from where I was staying.....(note, not my apartment, but friends who were kind enough to give me a place to stay after leaving my boyfriend).....but I STILL wasn't done. Hell's Kitchen has a litany of gay bars & clubs, so I figured why not check 'em out. I remember going to the first one, drinking my budget booze - Budweiser. It was what I always switched to in order to make my money go longer and stretch out my drinking spree. I know I visited at least a few other bars that night. I have glimpses of coming to in different places, beer in my hand....meeting someone named Patrick, who by the grace of God drove me home.

I stumbled into the apartment I was staying in. It was light out.....somewhere around 6:30 or 7am...The scene all too familiar. I dragged myself to the bathroom, threw up, took out my contacts so I could see less clearly....I remember squinting into my own eyes and thinking...'not again'.. Drank some water, took some vitamins, crawled to bed and closed my eyes.....

A Perfect Day?

2011-02-21T11:13:00.000-05:00

It happened again, one of those days where I realized that this life, the one I have today... is very much indeed beyond my wildest dreams.

It was Saturday. I woke at 7:30am for no other reason than wanting to have some coffee, write on here and get out of the door on time. Off to my Intensati class led by the fabulous Lindsay (http://www.lindspiration.blogspot.com/) , in class we're yelling affirmations like: my past is perfect! I let it go - it taught me what I need to know....I get what I expect, I expect the best - I love myself! I have self-respect! during and after class I thought - how true! I'm not fakin it til I make it, I'm feelin it cause it's real(in) - felt like that should rhyme.

Anyway, I then went to an audition, got there early, warmed up, brought my best, and got a call back! Looked at the clock, there was a meeting right around the corner at my home group. Great meeting. Sat next to a woman who was clearly drunk, but she was there and for that hour, she was safe. It made me VERY grateful that I haven't felt like that in almost four years. Back to my call back, did my best - let go of the results!

Then off to a beautiful concert and The Allen Room which is this gorgeous space in Columbus Circle where you look down onto the stage and the back wall is actually all windows that look out on Central Park, 59th St. and the lights of the city. EXQUISITE! Listened to one of my favorite singers holding the hand of the man that I love, the man I'm going to marry.

None of these realities were even closely in my imagination when I was staring at an empty glass waiting for the refill. I am blessed & grateful.

Cunning. Baffling. Powerful

2011-02-19T07:47:00.000-05:00

I was at a meeting last night where the speaker spoke about a recent relapse that started with prescription pain killers.

The alcoholic in me thought, well that was never my thing. Sure I loved taking them when I was drinking. I can still remember the first time I got a hold of a friends barely used prescription of vicodin because 'my back was hurting'.....at age 20. I remember mixing my oldest friend alcohol with my newest friend, pills. The effect was exactly what I desired, total obliteration & escape

Anyway, I don't know about you but my higher power has a huge sense of humor. I wouldn't have it any other way. I left the meeting and went to a movie with a friend without another thought. Had a glorious time, came home. Chris & I were getting ready for our days today which includes setting out our clothes for the next day & packing bags...my day today consists of: Intensati class, work meeting, audition, AA meeting then off to a concert with nary a chance to come home in between.

I decided to switch from my big duffel bag to something a little more manageable, Chris's tote bag. I'm cleaning out his various papers and things and say - 'oh, you have a prescription bottle in here'....and look closer and it has MY name on it. It was from when I had my tooth extracted and didn't need it all. I also made Chris the one to dose me (through suggestions in this program). I guess he'd been carrying them with him this whole time.

It's the next morning and there's that little voice in my head saying 'those pills are in this house', ' they weren't your drug of choice'....but there is a stronger voice in my head remembering the speaker last night, his story and knowing that I am no different. My disease of alcoholism wants me dead, and it will use any means to get me there. I am grateful that I have a higher power who also looks out for me.

A Week of Miracles

2011-02-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

My week started with an amazing gift. I happened into a meeting I don't always get to and there at the front of the room as a fellow who I've always though of fondly. He has just celebrated 15 months in this program and I SAW the change. I felt like Bill W. (on page 9 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous) "the door opened and he stood there, fresh-skinned & glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different. What had happened?"

He was clear, direct, happy and I could SEE & FEEL that he had shifted. It was a beautiful thing to witness. The next night I got to hear another friend of my qualify on his year anniversary. Such Miracles. They are all around me. All around us. The miracle is now and I am grateful to be a part of it.