Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Let it Go!

I'm feeling strangely emotional today.

I got on the train after the gym this morning, it was practically empty except for this father with his two young sons, I'd say maybe they were 4 and 6 years old.  He was teaching the 6 year old about something while the 4 year old sat & watched, lost interest and then gazed around the train.  Suddenly he just got up, ran over to his Dad, threw his arms around him and kissed him.  He said I love you Daddy....there were tears in my eyes.  It was a beautiful moment of unadulterated love. ....interesting the the word 'adult' is in there and being - un-adult is being free.

I was telling my friend this morning that I wish I could be less blocked, more free, un-adult if you will. Last nights meeting really made me think about how for me this process of living sober has taught me much about myself, and how slowly over time. I'm able to take, leave or fight with the things that honor my higher self.  I've a feeling lately that there's a whole bunch of shit I need to let go of, old idea, old beliefs, old habits that truly no longer serve me but they are comfortable & known so I stick with em.

I always think of a quote my Dad used to say and forgive me in advance for not knowing who to credit it to:
"When you come to the edge of all existence as you know it and must leap out into the unknown, you will either be provided with a soft place to land or you will be given wings to fly" - Here's to faith!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


My dear friend is celebrating his 10th anniversary today. 

My life & sobriety would be so different without him. He is truly a gem and I am grateful that he was someone who I felt early on I could just talk to without judgments or fear.  He continues to teach me things.

Like today, he wrote 'ISM' of alcohol(ism) or whatever ism you may be working with  = I Separate Myself.

I've never heard that and I couldn't agree more. How often even though I know longer feel the compulsion to drink do I choose to separate myself.  Some days I find it the 'easier' way, to just do it myself, I got this, if I fail or succeed it's all me.

Luckily, I can step outside that when I CHOOSE to. That seems to be the difficulty nowadays is that incessant urge that I HAVE to do it alone.  Even after almost 5 years, it's still against my grain to let someone else in, to let someone else help.

I'm grateful today for my friend who sometimes silently, sometimes not pushes me outside myself, so that I too can do the same.

Evolution, like a flower unfolding.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Grateful Friday

I am grateful today for:

2 days off on Wed & Thurs, They were very relaxing & lovely

Having enough money to cover my needs and remembering that my needs are always taken care of, my wants don't matter

Knowing that though I feel 'lack' I in reality live in grateful abundance

For getting to a yoga class tonight, I've decided to go to one a week and I'm excited about it

For Love, in all it forms, for it being something I can feel, something I can share and something I can know. There was a time in my life when I believed that it was not possible. I'm glad sobriety & spiritual growth have taught me different

Monday, January 2, 2012


What a way to start my New Year!
I spent the weekend doing and Intensati workshop and some amazing fitness classes. Physically I feel fantastic.   I also jump started my morning pages practice.  Day 2 so far, but I truly enjoy it and don't feel the reluctance I did when I tried to do them previously...I was also not sober at that point and getting up early with a hangover to write in a journal was just beyond my grasp.

Between the classes and the journaling, I've come to a realization about letting go of some old (and I mean OLD) behaviors and habits. I realized that just because it was something I've always done, doesn't mean that it's something I need to keep doing, especially when I want to progress, continue to grow spiritually and evolve. Perhaps, before I didn't think it possible or even that I was worthy....but it is and I AM.

I'm excited for this clean slate feeling and it's clean because I don't have to bring my Santa's sack of old bullshit into today, I'm starting to understand 'will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it'.  Today I make a different choice, much like my early sobriety where I had to make a conscious choice not to drink that day, or even that moment.  I'm using the same tools to let go of the past, to say no, I don't have to be the way I was because, there is a better way.  I will choose that today.

I'm grateful for all the things that my sobriety has taught me so far and I SO look forward to this year. It's gonna be AMAZING.

Blessings to you!