Monday, September 3, 2012

The Other Side

Well here I am on the other side!  A newly-wed,  a married man.

Words will never express how beautiful the day was, I've never felt such out pouring of love, support and happiness.  It was all enveloping and in the weeks since that day when I've felt un-anything, I take a moment and go back to that day and remember that feeling, that love.  I get to carry it with me and that is a HUGE gift.

Life has started to get back to a normal pace, thought it does feel different.  I'm back at meetings which is a constant.  I thought about going to meetings while we were in Paris but there was SO much to do, luckily by the grace of HP, I did not once even think about a glass of anything,  not at the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the after party, the brunches & dinners, the honeymoon.  That is all miraculous and I am grateful.

I keep joking with Chris that it doesn't feel any different and I guess in the day to day it doesn't, I though feel more settled.  More grounded. Like life has more possibilites.  I'm grateful to be exactly where I am today and that is a gift too of sobriety.  Comfortable in one's own skin, with a new title and a new name - slowly becoming that man I was born to be.

Off to me meeting,  thanks for letting me share.  I look forward to catching up on your lives!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I've been in some great meetings lately and surprise surprise, I feel SO much better, SO much more a part of and life is easier. Persepctive is a beautiful thing. 37 days until the wedding and I find I need meetings & fellowship more & more, keeping me grounded so I'm able to continue showing up for life. I LOVE that this program allows me to do that.

For 5 + years I've heard the phrase: "The newcomer is the most important person in the room" and of course when I was a newcomer I thought - duh! of course I am (true alcoholic?) Yesterday as I sat in another beginners meeting listening, I realized how important they truly are to this alcoholic. As previously mentioned I have felt a lack of urgency to my sobriety, it's a levelled out part of life...but hearing these new comers talk about where they've just been has really opened my eyes & heart again to how dire it IS, and today I need those reminders.

I'm so grateful for this program - Thank you all for being a part of it.

Friday, June 29, 2012

C+ Student

My whole career in high school was defined by this letter, the letter C. Somewhere along the way, I heard that a C wasn't a bad thing, I heard that it was average - and THAT was something I could settle for. Blending in, average - it was all I ever really wanted to be, well, not really but that is what I told myself. I excelled in the areas I really loved like music & drama, but other than that I was content with a Capital C! I heard in a meeting yesterday 'The 'goodness' of my life is DIRECTLY proportionate to the amount of work I do in recovery'. In other words I get what I give. Suddenly those high school years came back to me and how content I was at being average. My sobriety has hit that same stride. When I first came into the program , I hit it hard, I saw results quick and this propelled me further into a life that today is beyond my wildest dreams. I am grateful for that I've settled now though into a life that is good no, not good GREAT . I can't help but hear my old teaches saying: "You have SO much potential" and think the same about my life - what if I did more work? Where would that take me? B+ or perhaps an A- . How is it I'm content with a great life and not an AMAZING life. Isn't there always room to grow? I'm going to keep showing up and see what will be revealed.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Click, Click Click

There's no place like home. Not only am I in LOVE with my new neighborhood, house, garden etc. I also feel like I am going to fit right in at my local AA meeting, how couldn't I? I went on Friday night, full of fear as I am in most new situations. It was a great meeting filled with beginners and IRISH! My people! It felt really good to be back in a meeting and also feel like I can set some roots here in my new neighborhood. I spent the weekend cleaning up and resting. I even put up a new clothesline which I think is a luxury. there's nothing quite like clothes dried by the sun & breezes! Sunday was pretty low key, it was the Pride celebration here in NY which I usually participate in quite fully, but we just weren't feeling it, not the pride so much as the crowds. We chilled at home and watched 'Summer Stock' with Judy Garland and Gene Kelly...I'll admit, I'd never seen it. I enjoyed it. It's a fun movie. I keep watching movies that really highlight the life of an actor and how it's that thing inside you can't ignore. My hiatus from it during all this wedding planning has only ignited it more inside me. I'm looking forward to getting back into that part of my life. Off to my home group tonight and very much looking forward to it.

Friday, June 22, 2012

I'm Back

Recovery is a process. Hi! by the way. It's been way too long but I look forward to writing again but more so reading. Life has gotten huge and the gift of desperation has kicked back in again so that I am now re-focusing on meetings and recovery. The last 3 months (has it really been that long) have been A LOT of work so much so that any time I did have off was saved for sleeping & catching up with the rest of my life. We moved to a beautiful new place with a garden and a sun room - unheard of in these parts, or rare should I say. It's truly been a blessing and not possible if I was still drunk, that I realize. We've also under two months until our wedding! I can't believe how the time has flown. I'm so excited about it and our honeymoon to Paris! My meeting attendance has been paltry at best, thankfully the work has slowed the only side effect being that stupid fear of economic insecurity (see wedding:)) , it comes & goes just like work. I'm hitting a meeting tonight and daring to do so in my new neighborhood. It will be good for me to plug in in that way. I just wanted to plug in, in this way too. I'll keep you posted. I've missed you all

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ha ha

Got to my meeting last night - the topic?  'Going to Meetings' my higher power has a sense of humor which I appreciate.

It's amazing how seeing the people I consider my family here in NY (my home group) soften the prickly edges I can build up. It's interesting to see and feel the difference with how I am relating to the world today versus a few days ago. The main thing I kept hearing last night was, even if you just sit in a meeting, the very fact that you've taken the action to go there and listen starts to shift you.

I also realized between moving in two months and getting married in four, now is NOT the time to go lax on meetings, in fact I'll probably need them more than ever to keep me right sized and away from a drink.

and service.  I suppose it's time to start doing some service in SOME capacity. Thanks for that reminder dAAve

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A State

Hello,  My Name is Jeremy and I am living in resentment, judgement and self pity as of late.

I can immediately chalk this up to a spotty meeting schedule, which I can blame on my hectic work schedule and dog-sitting for a friend which requires me to get up an hour earlier than normal and stay out an hour later than planned on most night - there I go with the self pity again!

I am getting to a meeting tonight, tomorrow and Thursday, I've already worked them into my schedule.  What I can't help feeling is that I'm at a point where I need MORE than just meetings and fellowship.  I had a sponsee for a hot second and that seemed to help...for a hot second.

I also need some gratitude so here goes:

I am grateful that feelings are not facts and they do not last forever

I am grateful that I can take actions to change my feelings/thoughts

I am grateful for the abundance of work that has come my way

I am grateful for the flexibility and understanding of my bosses so that I can meet all these different jobs

I am grateful for signing a lease on a new apt & planning a move for May 30th

I am grateful for my fiance' Chris, his grace, compassion and understanding are unparalleled.

I am grateful for my family

I am grateful for AA and how it continues to save me from myself

I am grateful for these blogs which always give me a connection to who I am and who I am divinely guided to be

Friday, March 9, 2012

Do or Do Not, There is no Try

The infinte wisdom of yoda has entered one the Intensati series I'm doing this month. 

It's been rolling around in my head all week, how often I use the word try.  I even noticed it in my last post. My friend & instructor says simply 'try' means you're not going to. 

This echos for me as taking the action, doing the action. Something I need reminding of.  I've been in a really good meeting schedule as of late getting to 5 or 6 a week generally.  This week however I missed Wednesday and Thursday because of my work schedules and this morning I feel it, or at least I think I feel it. 6:45 can't come soon enough.

I was asked to be an interim sponsor for someone which has turned my program on it's head in the best way.  It's been a while since I've worked with anyone in this way and it really is such a pillar of this program. I'm looking forward to both our growths.

I just really wanted to check in and I will write again next week!

Monday, February 27, 2012

5 Years

I celebrating 5 years of sobriety yesterday, what a gift.

It's a beautiful thing.

I'm sorry I haven't written too much lately, I guess I feel I've not much to say. I'll try to be better about it

I could not be MORE grateful to this program for giving me my life back and for giving me a design for living that I can do on a day by day basis.

I am a grateful alcoholic.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Let it Go!

I'm feeling strangely emotional today.

I got on the train after the gym this morning, it was practically empty except for this father with his two young sons, I'd say maybe they were 4 and 6 years old.  He was teaching the 6 year old about something while the 4 year old sat & watched, lost interest and then gazed around the train.  Suddenly he just got up, ran over to his Dad, threw his arms around him and kissed him.  He said I love you Daddy....there were tears in my eyes.  It was a beautiful moment of unadulterated love. ....interesting the the word 'adult' is in there and being - un-adult is being free.

I was telling my friend this morning that I wish I could be less blocked, more free, un-adult if you will. Last nights meeting really made me think about how for me this process of living sober has taught me much about myself, and how slowly over time. I'm able to take, leave or fight with the things that honor my higher self.  I've a feeling lately that there's a whole bunch of shit I need to let go of, old idea, old beliefs, old habits that truly no longer serve me but they are comfortable & known so I stick with em.

I always think of a quote my Dad used to say and forgive me in advance for not knowing who to credit it to:
"When you come to the edge of all existence as you know it and must leap out into the unknown, you will either be provided with a soft place to land or you will be given wings to fly" - Here's to faith!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

ISM

My dear friend is celebrating his 10th anniversary today. 

My life & sobriety would be so different without him. He is truly a gem and I am grateful that he was someone who I felt early on I could just talk to without judgments or fear.  He continues to teach me things.

Like today, he wrote 'ISM' of alcohol(ism) or whatever ism you may be working with  = I Separate Myself.

I've never heard that and I couldn't agree more. How often even though I know longer feel the compulsion to drink do I choose to separate myself.  Some days I find it the 'easier' way, to just do it myself, I got this, if I fail or succeed it's all me.

Luckily, I can step outside that when I CHOOSE to. That seems to be the difficulty nowadays is that incessant urge that I HAVE to do it alone.  Even after almost 5 years, it's still against my grain to let someone else in, to let someone else help.

I'm grateful today for my friend who sometimes silently, sometimes not pushes me outside myself, so that I too can do the same.

Evolution, like a flower unfolding.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Grateful Friday

I am grateful today for:


2 days off on Wed & Thurs, They were very relaxing & lovely

Having enough money to cover my needs and remembering that my needs are always taken care of, my wants don't matter

Knowing that though I feel 'lack' I in reality live in grateful abundance

For getting to a yoga class tonight, I've decided to go to one a week and I'm excited about it

For Love, in all it forms, for it being something I can feel, something I can share and something I can know. There was a time in my life when I believed that it was not possible. I'm glad sobriety & spiritual growth have taught me different

Monday, January 2, 2012

2012

What a way to start my New Year!
I spent the weekend doing and Intensati workshop and some amazing fitness classes. Physically I feel fantastic.   I also jump started my morning pages practice.  Day 2 so far, but I truly enjoy it and don't feel the reluctance I did when I tried to do them previously...I was also not sober at that point and getting up early with a hangover to write in a journal was just beyond my grasp.

Between the classes and the journaling, I've come to a realization about letting go of some old (and I mean OLD) behaviors and habits. I realized that just because it was something I've always done, doesn't mean that it's something I need to keep doing, especially when I want to progress, continue to grow spiritually and evolve. Perhaps, before I didn't think it possible or even that I was worthy....but it is and I AM.

I'm excited for this clean slate feeling and it's clean because I don't have to bring my Santa's sack of old bullshit into today, I'm starting to understand 'will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it'.  Today I make a different choice, much like my early sobriety where I had to make a conscious choice not to drink that day, or even that moment.  I'm using the same tools to let go of the past, to say no, I don't have to be the way I was because, there is a better way.  I will choose that today.

I'm grateful for all the things that my sobriety has taught me so far and I SO look forward to this year. It's gonna be AMAZING.

Blessings to you!