Renewal

Whew I needed that.

I think last night was one of the best conversations I've had with my sponsor in a while.  We both owned our sides of our relationship and the defined what will work best for us going forward.

It was wonderful.  We decided that it's time to delve through the steps again, go a little deeper, learn a lot more.  I am both excited and scared of that prospect. 

No pain no gain as they say.  I'm grateful for the opportunity and am ready to embrace them again with more honesty & faith than I had the first time around.

As far as the elusive sponsee, or potential sponsee.  I have decided to tell him that I can only work with what worked for me and if he's not willing to do that then perhaps there is someone else who could help him in the way that he need.  I am willing to listen if he needs.

What To Do?

I'm extremely grateful that I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight.  We've been sort of out of touch as of late and I'm glad to have the opportunity to sit down and talk with him at length about my sobriety, what I need and what is next.

I also get to talk to him but am posing the question to you lovely readers:  How do you work with someone who doesn't 'want it'.   Every suggestion I make is met with complacency and patronization.  I know it's not about what I think he should do, but my suggestions are based in what worked for me.  If nothing changes, well nothing changes.  I want to continue to be the open hand/ear/heart of AA but am finding it difficult as of late.  I know what my sponsor would say, there is a reason that this person is in your life at this moment. There is a lesson I need to learn.

I will continue to pray for this individual and for the guidance to do the right thing.

The Hangover

I went to a morning meeting on Saturday.  When the topic was announced is was like - what?

The topic was HANGOVER.

I thought it an odd topic until I started to listening awaiting my turn in the round robin circle.  I started thinking about my very first very serious hangover.  I had gone to visit my boyfriend at the time at college recently after my 17th birthday.  I'd been drinking for a little over a year or so and was SO ready for my first college party!  Needless to say, this alcoholic overindulged, blacked out, vaguely remember scenes of making out with some who was not my boyfriend,  throwing up for hours on end and sleeping the next day AWAY completely missing dinner with his parents and any other social thing we were supposed to do that day. I felt awful, I knew it was the alcohol that did it to me and yet, I had the thought:
"Well, I didn't do that right (just another thing in the long list of things I couldn't do right), guess I'll try again next time"

10 YEARS later I got sober.  10 years of hangovers, some worse some not as bad, 10 years of treating my body as a chemistry set trying to find the right balance of drinks, drugs, vitamins, pain killers & food to allow me maximum fun with minimum pain because after all who wants consequences?  

I'm grateful today that not only do I not poison my body with alcohol or drugs, but I'm also very aware of what I do put in my body, just another gift of sobriety and I'm extremely grateful that I haven't had a hangover in 4 years and some months

Surprise!

I shared the other night in a meeting about those moments that happen to me now in sobriety where I am completely take by surprise.

Those moments when I have a usual thought or judgement which then is immediately followed by a softer, gentler thought towards myself or another human being. I've come to realize what a gift that is when it occurs.

I had another such moment this morning when I opened my email and had a note from one of my managers at a event business I work with offering his help as we plan our wedding.  It was a nice surprise because in my limited thinking I figured there was no way they'd even want to help little old me (P.O.S. at the center of the universe)...but there it was in writing. What a gift, and now it seems even more of the gift is my ability to accept help (which doesn't come easily), but I am willing.

I hope your weekend surprises you!

Lessons Learned

Recently I was saddened to hear that one of my litter-mates went out & relapsed.

The good news is that he is back.

What this brought to mind or rather reminded me of is that I am NOT immune to this disease,  time does not pull me further away from a drink. I think sometimes my mind likes that idea and so I rest on those laurels but the truth is, a drink is always ALWAYS an arm's length away.

I find it interesting that in times past when I heard of someone relapsing I would get so angry about it. I'll admit when my friend told me about it I had a similar reaction briefly, wondering what it was like ...but thankfully somehow somewhere over the last 4 1/2yrs through the help of this program & my higher power I've come to understand that what may be a moment, or even a night of "fun", would have disastrous consequences for my life as I know it today, even if nothing MAJOR were to happen.  I'm grateful for that knowledge and peace. I am grateful that my friend is back.  I am grateful that I can be compassionate. I am grateful that I choose not to drink today

A Quickie

I was on facebook this morning and somehow the chat thingy was turned on which I never use because I find it annoying,

Anyway,  I get a chat from a friend from college.  Basic Hi how are you questions, then somewhat sheepishly he asks if I can do him a favor, so I say yes.  He then asks if I could call his phone, gives me his number....he can't seem to find it.  I call, it goes straight to voicemail, to which he responds: "Damn this drinking"

 - AMEN TO THAT -

I'm so grateful I don't have to do that anymore.

Crossing the Line

I went to a great meeting yesterday where we read from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pages - 4-7 of 'Bill's Story'

I am amazed at how everytime I read this story or anything from the Big Book something new jumps out at me.  Yesterday's slight of wisdom was: "Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity" (Pg 5).  In my head I rolled that around and even added: ...it then became a liabilty.

It really got me thinking about when that line was crossed for me. I can't identify exactly when I went from enjoying alcohol to using alcohol. I'm pretty sure it was very early on in my drinking career even though my denial and possibly ego would tell you it was much later.

I think the reason I really needed to hear that is that this disease is cunning, baffling & powerful. Always has been and always will be. I'd say for the last month or so I have been craving a cigarette like no body's business!  That's crazy because I quit smoking long before I quit drinking.  My mind says things like: it's not alcohol, what harm can one do?  And maybe that's true (not) but who's to say it's just one AND really I must look at the why?  Why do I want to hide. What am I escaping?  Some of the answers, I know and perhaps some not. 

What I will do is continue talking about it at meetings, NOT SMOKE. Pray & meditate.  It will be lifted, nothing lasts forever.

In other very exciting news,  I think that Chris & I found the place we're going to get married!!!!   I'll post pics at some point once we've decided. 

A New Kind of Freedom

I love that part of the promises, that before we are half way through we will know new kind of freedom and a new kind of happiness.

It's strange because I've never really reflected on it before, but the things I thought (while drinking) would make me happy & free aren't the things that bring me that today. 

I spent most of yesterday hanging out in the park with my friends baby, whom I adore.  Chris & I are 'uncles' to this precious little girl.  She totally melts my heart.  She learning to walk and it's her new favorite thing to take a little spin and then come back to the blanket.  Luckily for me, I got to be her guide. Me, the fall down drunk who most times would've benefited from a little guidance while stumbling home. 

It was a gift to share that with her yesterday, to be trusted with someones child.  To spend an afternoon free from everything except those that were there with me also relishing in the deliciousness of the summer afternoon.  A new freedom & happiness indeed!

Happy 4th Y'all!!