Saturday, December 31, 2011

Everything or Nothing

I sat in a great meeting last night, full of men I respect.

The topic was prayer & meditation and well of course it go me thinking.  I realized that when I rest on my laurels with regards to prayer, it's harder for me to turn things over. I grip. I control. I am self will run riot.

It was with these thoughts that I returned home last night, really focusing on saying a little thank you before bed and drifting into a sleep that was both welcome & necessary.

3am rolls around and Chris & I are jolted from our beds by what I can only describe as pounding that sounds like someone jumping rope in the apartment(s) above's not the first time.  We dress and climb the stairs (to talk to them...again) but can't tell what apt it's coming from.  I toss & turn the rest of the night as it happens a few more times.  My mind won't stop racing and I come to one thought

How do I turn this over?  I pray a bit for guidance, more so I wish it would all stop.  I'm usually good at seeing a solution but now I'm not sure. I feel like I'm whining but I guess I need an outlet.  How do I go about resolving this in sober manner?   I will continue to wait for guidance, and pray that I be directed where I'm supposed to be

God is everything

Friday, December 30, 2011

A Recap: How Indiana Saved My Life

I did my best to post my gratitude while I was away and I truly was grateful.

This past holiday week was spent away from my family and with my new family to be.  Chris and I ventured to his home town to celebrate the holidays.  If I were to tell you I had piles of fear leading up to this trip it would be an understatement.

His family much like my own was very warm & welcoming, so much so that at times it felt like my own, which I think is a good thing.  I had a wonderful time visiting old haunts, old houses where they all grew up and getting to see how cute the town of New Albany, Indiana really is.

After slightly white knuckling it from Thursday to Monday morning, (luckily, they aren't the same kind of drinkers my family is) I arrived at my very first Indiana meeting.

Imagine for a moment how I'd already put myself on the outside, urbanite, gay, Yankee, amongst other things.

I walked into a clubhouse and found the meeting room,  crowded with probably 30 or so people  who from all outside appearances suddenly cued the song "One of these things is not like the other" form Sesame Street.  My instinct to turn around and walk out was strong, or rather, my disease was strong.

I sat down in that smoke filled room and took a deep a breath as possible. I listened and heard and was suddenly the same as everyone in that room. We were all there for the same common purpose, not to drink that day.  I feel I sometimes lose sight of that in the meetings I attend and am comfortable at.  Perhaps 2012 will usher in a new meeting a week just to step outside myself a bit more.
Extended Family!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I am grateful today for:

A fantastic if not rag-tag meeting last night. The chair didn't show up and so some others took over only they read the WRONG script & totally changed the meeting from the 'expected' topic round robin, to an 'unexpected' qualification meeting. I was seething and about to leave when I thought, no, everything is happening exactly as it's supposed to. It was a great meeting and I heard A LOT of great things I needed to hear

Catching up with my dear friend Michael. He's a gem

Dinner with some friends from college. It was lovely to see them and also really lovely to see us all in very different places 11 years later. We used to party a lot and while we had a few laughs last night about those times I was very grateful that I'm no longer in that place

The moment of grace almost 5 years ago that offered me a glimmer of hope that  there was another way to live besides the alcoholic darkness cycle I'd been inhabiting
Feeling more plugged in lately, which of course is direct correlation to my meeting attendance! It's true what they say!! :)

Monday, December 19, 2011


I am grateful today for:

waking up before my alarm & realizing I forgot to set it.

continuing to PRACTICE letting go of results

doing my homework and looking up some meetings while I'm away in Indiana.

a great conversation with my friend this morning about this process we call life and how to step through it with a little more grace than when we used to

remembering that I am now, have always been and will always be watched over by a power greater than myself

for the realization that the year isn't over yet, and I don't have to wait til Jan 1st to make some shifts & changes. I can start right now, besides EVERYONE makes changes on Jan 1 and who wants to be like everyone else? Not this alcoholic :)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

12/18 Gratitudes

I'm grateful today for: 

the gorgeous weather even if it's cold 

guests passes to Equinox & two amazing classes today,  I worked really hard 

A nice walk outdoors that let me chat with my Mom 

Making the decision to start 'The Artists Way' on Jan 1 and for my friend Lindsay who wants to do it with me - I need to be accountable

Listening to some Broadway shows today at home and knowing that it's not that far off for me

Saturday, December 17, 2011


A fun (even if longer than expected) catering gig last night. More money in the pocket

The decision I made to sleep in this morning over running 6 miles. It would have felt great I'm sure but I think my body just needed to rest especially given that I'm working again in just a few hours

Coffee Coffee Coffee

My tentative plans to start the 'Artists Way' in the New Year

Friday, December 16, 2011


I'm grateful today for:

A VERY lazy day yesterday it felt necessary

The ability to have discussions that aren't easy and being taught through AA that feelings, emotions are all part of the expereince but through that to also focus on solution

Another full day of work, day job & then catering. I'm also grateful that my day job can be so flexible with me

Our homey apartment.

The Andrews Sisters, they always make my Christmas season

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Courtesy of my Uncle

"If one remains one-pointed, any work in the world can be accomplished with humility and ease. If one gets even a slightest doubt whether something is possible, it becomes impossible! If one gets even the slightest doubt whether it can happen, it will never happen! Your question itself gives the answer! Your doubt is your arch-enemy! Your fate is your soul-mate! Uttering 'Gurudev' or the name of the Lord with a mellow heart and tears welling up in the eyes, do everything with the attitude that 'He is everything'. Whatever has to be done, do it as His work, offering it to him in total surrender!"

 ~ Thuli Baba


I'm grateful today for: 

A fantastic meeting last night about service and how it keeps me sober.  It really made me think that this past year without any service commitments that require a weekly attendance, I've gone to less meetings and it's been a more difficult year, coincidence?  Probably not 

Getting to catch up with my good friend Todd for a bit last night 

Talking with my sponsor for a while last night, it felt good 

guest passes to Equinox that allowed me to take a rocking class this morning for free.  I am ALWAYS grateful for that 

A day off and filling it with stuff outside, celebrating my friends birthday and a meeting! 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


I'm grateful this morning for:

An easy & fun night at work that turned out to be not as late as I thought it would be. It was a smaller party and a chance to bond & talk with some co-workers I don't always have the chance to talk to. It was nice.

For doing my very best to not complain or to stop myself when I start

For the stranger on the N train this morning who just started chatting with me about God and the bigger picture, he'd gotten on the wrong train, a local instead of an express & figured there must be a reason for this. There are many life lessons I could expound from this but I'll leave it open

For getting to my office WELL before anyone else this morning (6:30a), it's so much nicer to quietly work away and listen to Christmas music

For getting to my home group tonight

For an email from the director/producer of this years Round Up show asking if I'd like to be invovled - OF COURSE!!! President's Weekend :).....The show is called 'Tipsy'  a parody of the musical 'Gypsy'....I smell hilarity!

Monday, December 12, 2011


I am grateful today for

taking the time to write this list

a wonderfully easy day off yesterday and the delicious chili I made last night - I LOVE cooking

the long full night of sleep I got, even snoozing for almost a hour - oops

the fact that I can be late to work and I don't get in trouble. I try not to do it that often cause being paid hourly I'm the one who really gets hurt by it
another catering gig tonight. 2 more til the end of the year, I'm grateful for the work!

my boss paying me full instead of the setup rate for my 16 hour day on Saturday, it was unexpected and a great surprise

My morning affirmation practice. It really does wonders for how I start my day

Saturday, December 10, 2011


I am grateful today for:

Today being the last day in my marathon of four catering gigs...until Monday

For my lunch being packed and ready go. Chris made a delicious one I think

For co-workers that not only work hard but do so with a little sense of humor. It makes life easier. Especially Selina

For today & being of service in it. Something I didn't know of before sobriety

For my brother. He is awesome. I'm so glad our relationship is what it is and continues to grow

For not feeling the least bit compelled to participate in something called Santa-Con and for owning my judgement about it ;)

For the one day at a time mentality. It really makes life so much easier

Friday, December 9, 2011


I'm grateful today for :

A full day of work with pleasant people who work as a great team together. It's nice to be a part of

A nice walk this evening that gave me the chance to catch up with my mom grandma and brother

For my Grandmas 84. Bday. She's awesome

For having a kinda difficult conversation wih my brother while still being able to talk solutions based on experience, my experience

For my friend Mark and his awesome bday celebration. I look forward to the next

Thursday, December 8, 2011


I'm grateful today for

A fantastic meeting that turned my day around. I love walking into meetings when the topic is exactly what I needed to hear

Feeling less alone in this world

Approaching today differently & not expecting anything

Miracle on 34th st. I watched it for the first time last night

Getting to spend the morning relaxed and with my honey

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


grateful today for

A fantastic meeting last night & raising my hand even thought the last thing I wanted to do was share

The honesty in the room. It always pierces to my heart

Getting coffee and caught up with Joel & Steven

Taking some moments to walk away from a discussion that was dead ending. Picking it up later with some clarity

Finishing a project at home with Chris

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I am grateful today for:

A quiet evening at home catching up on bad TV and making homemade applesauce.

The glow of our Christmas tree, I love to sit in that room with all the lights off but the tree.

Calls from program friends, it keep me sober and helps me to examine my own behavior as well. I had to tell someone something last night that I could tell wasn't what they wanted to hear, usually when I sense this I try to sugar-coat or back-pedal (God forbid they be mad at me) and I thought, no, if these roles were reversed I would want someone to be honest with what I should do. For me it's progress

a meeting at my home group tonight & for fellowship plans with my friend afterwards.

considering a commitment there this coming term and for also considering a 90 in 90. For some reason I'm afraid to commit to that but I do think it's something that would help my sobriety

a bit more clarity & a plan of action with regards to my Mom. A small procedure today and then a few more days in the hospital.

my siblings, Nick, who flew out there to help & Katie, who is already out there in Denver and always a help. Their humor is one of the most treasured things we all share together and that no matter how difficult, bad or sad things are there's always a smile, even if it's smiling through the pain. It's comforting

Have a great day!

Monday, December 5, 2011


I am grateful today for:

Having a fantastic time at the reading last night. It was fun to watch my cast really 'go there' unashamed, it inspires me

A beautiful walk from work to where the reading was. It took me to parts of NY I don't usually go to and allowed me to take a lot of photos, I'm obsessed with my iPhone camera & Instagram

Christopher & Lindsay for showing up for me and the numerous other friends & aquaintances who also showed up to support us all

Getting an AMAZING night of sleep. I'm still a bit tired today and recovering from the weekend but it was nice to sleep through the night

restraint of tongue. Today at work has been a little bit of a challenge. Thankfully, living sober means I don't spew negativity towards people and instead of telling them to eff off, I simply smile and say: "This is something I don't need to be a part of, please talk to management"

Sunday, December 4, 2011


I am grateful today for

A night full of work that went MUCH later than expected (got home at 4am), surprisingly the night flew by and despite being hard work my good attitude remained

For the stranger in a cab who saw me waiting at the cross town bus station and offered me a ride across town, higher power indeed. Waiting for a cross town bus at 4am is a looong wait

For my Mom being relatively OK after being hospitalized last night, pleae keep her in your prayers

For my siblings who are supportive, informative and never lose their humor even if tough situations. If my Dad taught us anything it's that. I'd love to quote my sister who on top of moving, having her boyfriend finally move to the same city she's in & being at the hopsital with my Mom all in one week said " I'll get through this week and I'll do it with some f*ckin GRACE". Hilarious.

For my reading tonight! I'm so excited for this little project. I wish it was going beyond someone's living room because it's such a fun little play

For impropmtu visits from my friend Michael who passes by my store quite often and will always peer in to see if I'm here. Today we caught eachother!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I'm grateful today for:

the opportunity and awareness to view catering as being of service.  It really helps reframe my days & nights there 

for taking things less seriously,  I don't know when I got to be such a serious boy but it's nice to get a break from it 

for taking the time to write this today, I'm running a bit late but decided I needed to sit and write this before I rocket launched into my day 

for taking the time to clean up, do the dishes and make the bed before I leave.  It's nice to come home to a clean home. 

for calls & emails from my program friends. They truly help 

Friday, December 2, 2011


I am grateful today for:

The ability to show up at work despite my feeling not so great & the flexibility of my co-workers who can cover when I am late.

Coffee. I know that when sick one shouldn't really drink coffee, but I figure it's better than the caffeince withdrawl headache right? I may address this logic further down the road

A fantastic two days off before launching into weeks of work. I'm also grateful for the work.

Taking the time to put up & decorate our tree! I love it!!

Program people reaching out and being able to respond. It helps me stay connected