Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Allowing Change

I think it's the change of season, or maybe just where I am but the last two days, I've gotten out of bed on time, showered and then laid back down and end up late for work, it's feels deep down like a familiar hang over pattern even though I am clearly and thankfully not.

I read recently one of my sober friends has started saying the serenity prayer anytime he starts to feel judgemental as he goes through his day.  I tried this experiment last night on my way home....and it became a running loop of the serenity prayer, guess I need to work on that!

I was sitting in an Intensati class on Sunday and the instructor had asked us what we wanted and not be afraid to dream too big.  My first thoughts were: Broadway, then came Weddidng, then came the thought that I can only pick one, one dream right now then came the most beautiful thought- I can have it all. 

Allowing myself that has been an awakening.  The other thing I realized is that I have to be willing to do the work, that is always my biggest detractor.  I'm glad that getting and staying sober has taught me about action & work and that through those anything, I mean ANYTHING can change if I allow it to.

The only proof I need is that I'm sober today and who'd have thought that could ever change.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

It's True What they Say

This program works for those who work it

After a less than stellar Monday, I spent most of yesterday doing what I could to help a fellow who is trying to get back to these rooms.  Talk about perspective and attitude adjustment.

Working with others is such a gift.  I pray to continue to be of service without condescension.  We're going to a meeting tonight together which I am very much looking forward to.

I'm happy to know when it really counts, I can stay out of God's way and simply be an instrument.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Things Come and Go So Quickly Here

feelings that is....

Yesterday was one of 'those' days.  I don't really like even saying that phrase but it was, I woke up tired, work was full of drama which I usually stay out of but it seemed everyone wanted to pull me into it. I got to a meeting and the topic was attitude and what we do to change it, how apropos no?  and of course it was a pitch meeting and who was first? ME

I tried quite hard to share solution but it just wasn't where I was and solution or not, what I could be and what I was was honest. Even as I shared I was telling myself to shut up because I was not being a good example of someone who's sober, someone who has got it together (I realize now that the two rarely have anything to do with each other)

I had a free ticket to see 'Rent' last night.  A show that is very near & dear to me. I'm ALWAYS moved by the song 'Will I'...anyway, the show put a lot in perspective for me with regards to just taking it easy, appreciating what I have and remembering it's all about love.

Today is better, not perfect but better.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Things We Tell Ourselves

Someone in my home group posted this article.  I'm left with the impression:  I can relate. Especially to this paragraph:
"I drank away the cloud of mediocrity.... The best part about drinking was how it allowed me to feel like I didn't give a damn".

That is what alcohol did for me. It took the things in my life that were once a priorty dreams, relationships, family and slid them further and further away, replacing them with martini glasses, beer bottles, shots, cigarettes, joints, white powders and oblivion.

Without alcohol I can still feel those things.  Things like 'my life is not progressing'. 'I'm sober...when are my big dreams just gonna happen!', 'I am at best mediocre' ... How it easy it can still be to jump into the pool self-hatred, despair and judgement.

THANKFULLY.  I have other tools today.  Tools that help me quickly swim to the ladder & climb out of that pool.  Tools I learned through the program of AA & from the people in it.  I often think that I am not where I want to be in this world, and the partial truth is, I'm not. I want to be performing on Broadway, that is what in my heart I am meant to do. Today I can rest easy knowing that if it is meant to be that way, it will  happen, but not in my time.  I need to take the appropriate steps & actions that will hopefully lead down that road. After all I didn't get sober to be on Broadway, I got sober to start living.

I say partial truth because if I look at my life today, I AM living There are so many aspects of my life that are amazing and wonderful.  I face each day awake (at least after coffee) and alive. I can be a partner, friend, brother, co-worker, son, sponsor, sponsee and active member of society. When I look at my life today it is so VASTLY different from what it was 4 1/2 years ago and for that I am grateful!