Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Easy Does It

That was the topic last night.  I had to smile to myself when the meeting started as the day leading up to that meeting was short of easy.

I sat there in the meeting thinking about why.  Why had the day been so hard?  Why do they all seem repeats of the previous days? Why when I wake in the morning do I feel like someone has hit the countdown clock and I've gotta get a move on, get at this day and on and on it goes until I lay my head down at night to squeeze in some rest before starting all over again.

I realize latley that it's of my own making, I overextend, I overwork, I overdo.

Easy Does It....helps me to relax. Restores my serenity. Lets me breathe. I am grateful for it, I just need to remember it.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Mighty Fortress Is Ourselves

When I was drinking, or maybe even before I started, I was a loner. Some may find that hard to believe being the middle child of 3 and growing up in a very loving family, but I can clearly recall long before I picked up how I relished my alone time.  A lot of my growing up I felt very in-between.

By the time my drinking had spun out of control, I was an expert loner.  I could feel alone in a city of 8 million, at parties, at bars surrounded by 'friends'....the loneliness was there.  I was a fortress unto myself.  No one getting in.  What I didn't realize at the time was that I could not get out.  Alcohol gave me the illusion of connection. The fleeting facade of my life is what I let you see fully believing that I was being honest, true and showing myself. It couldn't have been further from the truth.

I entered this program still in my fortress.  I credit the fellowship for slowly deconstructing my barricades, trenches & walls. Specifically, a sponsor who ever so gently & lovingly chided me to go out after a meeting even though it was the last thing I WANTED to do. Much like a rock smoothed over time by running water, the edges of me dulled as this program and it's people washed over me.

Today, having lost a lot of my defenses.  I find the challenge to be climbing out of my self made prison of selfishness and self.  I understand more than ever the line from the 3rd step prayer: "release me from the bondage of self".  I amazed at how far I can perceive the distance between me and another person.  Meetings help.  Praying helps. Service helps.  Practice.  Today I try to practice making my'self' uncomfortable. That is where growth will happen.  I am grateful for it.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Give Up

There seems to be a repeating message I keep hearing at meetings lately, or more likely my awareness of it has been lifted.

Surrender.

I had to smile when a fellow at my Saturday morning meeting said that whenever she hears that word she pictures this:

I wish that those letters had been printed so clearly for me when it came to surrendering my 'control' over alcohol, I may have paid attention if it came in that package. Clearly, I had my own course to run filled with dark scary places & perhaps a flying monkey or two :)
What struck me as interesting as I sat in that meeting was what does that word mean to me today. I still have an association with weakness & giving up.  I also have a second thought now though, giving up, giving up to what? A higher power - yes, yes that.  When I struggle with my charachter
defects, it helps me to remember this.  I can just let them go, do something different, give them up to one who can take them, surrender.  I love the strength in that.  I need the strength in that.

I have to share a lot of gratitude to those in my life who let me live and try waters on my own, but never lose sight of me.  This program & fellowship are amazing.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The 'BIG' questions

So just to get them out of my head and somewhere in the open, the questions I've been having are:
1.) Am I still willing to do what it takes to live my dream.
(My career dream is to be an actor on Broadway)
More and more I'm discouraged by this process, I feel or rather I tell myself that I am not as skilled, not as talented, not as prepared, not as committed to it as I used to be.  I also feel I've never given it my true best. so there's that.

2.) Do I still want to be in NY?  I discovered or rather noticed recently that I've become quite cynical. I once heard a quote: "Live in southern California but leave before it makes you soft, live in New York city but leave before it makes you hard".....lately I've been feeling that way.  Hardened, cynical & bitter.  I both  love & hate this city sometimes.  It's truly the first time since moving here that I've consistently had these thoughts and I'm not sure what to do with them

What this week has taught me is that thoughts are just thoughts and can be changed & the feelings don't last forever. 
I'm working on cultivating my relationship with God and continuing to pursue that connection. When I trust that I am divinely guided then every thing is exactly as it should be. 
I pray to remain open hearted, willing, loving, available, emotionally in touch, compassionate and gentle.

A great weekend to you all