Today is much better. Thank you for your suggestions & support!
I got my butt to a meeting last night, I didn't want to be there in fact through most of it I was seething. My skin was crawling with anger & resentment. Somewhere during my not so great day yesterday I decided that all the big questions in my life needed to be answered and I also knew that they were not going to be but my ever willful self just decided to keep myself in that prison of despair & hopelessness, a downward spiral of my very own making that I was just plain too stubborn to pull out from.
I'm usually an action kinda guys especially when I'm feeling off, but yesterday I just didn't want to. My ego or my sub-conscious or whatever crossed his little arms, plopped down on the ground and said NO, I'm staying.
The first crack in my veneer occurred outside the meeting, a very nice & short talk with my sister (who I'm usually giving advice to) who reminded me of something I needed to hear about myself .....shortly thereafter I was catching up with some other fellows when out came a day counter, right up to us and said hello. We got to talk about him, it was a nice but brief break for my brain....then into the meeting, which was a topic meeting, and the topic was perception.
I realized I needed a shift in perception. I also realized that I can't force these things, that I just needed to feel my feelings and move with them. Sometimes where I am is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I still have a lot of questions today, but I also have some patience, faith & stillness. I am so grateful for that and for the life I'm allowed to live because I am sober today.
A part of my Dad's spirit - is a part of mine.
9 months ago