4 Years ago today - February 26th, 2007
I woke on that Monday morning, still feeling awful. My whole being hurt. I dressed in an outfit that took a minimum amount of effort and got on my way to work.
I got off the train and plodded to work. I felt heavy hearted, heavy minded and not myself. I started to make it through my day. I hung up after speaking with a difficult client and was shaking, I thought that I'd just breathe but I couldn't catch my breath.
I remembered meeting with a friend of mine the previous summer over dinner. He had made an amends to me over my glasses of wine, but what I remembered in that moment was that he had stopped drinking. I called him. I left a message saying I knew it had been a while, but I think that I have a problem drinking and I wondered what I should do.
He called back a few hours later, he was out of town but gave me the address of his favorite meeting. 5'o clock hit and I left work & headed up town.
I paced outside the clubhouse for about 10 minutes, watching people come & go, I thought OK, well what could this hurt.
I buzzed the door. It clicked. I walked through and started to climb the stairs. At the second landing there was a grey metal door with the AA sign over the window. I stood outside it thinking, okay....if you walk through this door, your life is going to change.....then I thought NO, I can't do this....I backed up...then another thought came: you buzzed the door silly, they know you're out here and they are waiting for you....and with that i pushed the door and walked in
I remember a lot about my first meeting. I sat in the back. I listened to someone tell their story, I hadn't done the same things, or been in the same situations but I had certainly felt everything he spoke of - everything. When the break came I raised my hand, stood up and said: My name is Jeremy and I am an alcoholic, this is my first day.
In that moment my life changed. In that moment I gave myself a chance. In that moment I had a glimpse of something better. I gave myself a shot at something different and have been doing that every day since.
The beauty is now, when I don't know what to do, I can ask, I can watch the people around me in the fellowship, see how they go through it without drinking, I can listen and learn. What a gift.
Another lyric from that show I was doing: "If I show you the darkness I hold inside, will you bring me to light?" AA certainly has and I am so grateful
A part of my Dad's spirit - is a part of mine.
4 months ago