I dunno about you but I was pretty famous for this 'past time'.
Get nice & liquored up, start thinking about who was missing from the party, then I'd think well hey - I should call them & bring them in so inevitably regardless of the time of day I would dial whomever scream, yell, hoot & holler in the phone and then laugh about it the next day while recovering from my hangover with a #2 meal from McDonalds.
Later on and toward the end of my drinking on those nights or rather early mornings before the sunrise I would look around and see myself usually in a bar full of strangers, desperate, lonely, and sad I would again pick up the phone & call one of my two good friends. I would cry & bemoan that they just don't understand me, no one does, no one ever will. I would wander around my old neighborhood lost, drunk and very alone. I remember a quote from a musical I was in at the time:
"If I show you the darkness I hold inside, will you bring me to light?" - Violet
Only I couldn't bring myself to open up in that way or rather I didn't know how.
I somehow found the willingness (by the grace of my higher power) to check out AA. Drunk dialing took on a whole new meaning. I found I was 'dialing a drunk to avoid getting drunk' instead of being a 'drunk off my ass dialer'. Using the phone even now after some time in the program is still difficult, but when I was counting days it was such a relief. Many times I would call people and say: Um Hi, it's Jeremy, I don't know what to say but I'm doing what my sponsor told me to do. It always led to a conversation about anything, what I was doing for the day, how I was feeling, what they were doing, sometimes even about wanting a drink....then as time went on a fellowship grew up around me, friendships were formed and now I call those people and rarely ever do I feel truly alone.
The beauty is we shared a darkness so we can now share a light.
Moments in Retrospect
1 week ago