Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I'm Here

I came across this amazing performance of this song and it brought me to tears, I think the lyrics that struck me the most are:
THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,
BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.
BUT MOST OF ALL
I'M THANKFUL FOR
LOVING WHO I REALLY AM.
I'M BEAUTIFUL.
YES, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
AND I'M HERE.


Well this holiday season has been a roller coaster....no a sleigh ride... no a BLIZZARD of emotions and feelings. That's more appropriate a BLIZZARD.

It's strange... I'm not sure I've ever had a holiday season like this before.  Huge highs, Low Lows, Shame, Joy, Happiness, Depression, Angst, Anger, Elation.  All I've really wanted to do is hide. I've also can't recall a time yet in my sobriety where I've spent so much time thinking about drinking. Fantasizing.  Thinking I'll get away with it. No one is around, no one would know.

My schedule has been way off whack thanks to holiday travel, blizzards etc. I know I know excuses excuses.

What it says to me is: ACCEPTANCE.   Thoughts are not actions, but I have to be aware of them, accept them, avoid if I can labeling them as good or bad and deciding the next right action that will lead me away from a drink.

I'm off to a meetin!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Feelings nothing more than feelings

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I'm back in New York and back on the internet! Woo hoo.  Had a great time in Colorado visiting family, have great plans to enjoy Christmas here in the city with my local 'family' as it were.

I'll be posting more but wanted to say hi and best wishes to you all

I'm off to heat up some cocoa and watch 'Meet Me In St. Louis'

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's Wonderful Life

I am not quite sure how it is I made it 31 years on this having never seen Frank Capra's holiday classic:
"It's a Wonderful Life",  but somehow I did.

My lovely fiancee is shall we say a Christmas movie addict and they've been on a constant loop in our house since December 1st perhaps earlier. We spent most of yesterday finishing up our shopping here in the city and I left in the evening to hit my meeting.  My explicit instructions were that the only requirement for watching this movie (at his insistence) was a cup of cocoa.

We had a great meeting, the subject of which was gratitude. It occurred to me that when I first came in I would always hear the phrase: "You will have a life beyond your wildest dreams", I translated that of course as: "I'm gonna be the biggest thing on Broadway, then Hollywood and conquer the universe!!! (grandiose much?)
Reflecting in that meeting I realized what is beyond my wildest dreams today almost 4 years later:
The realization and acceptance that I am a work in progress.  To keep it that simple is truly a gift, and having the knowledge and faith that everything is fine and how it should be. The simple fact that I can even go an entire day without drinking is a gift.  I could go on and on about the amazing things in my life today from the simplest and beyond, I won't though I am extremely grateful for all of it.

We never know the effect we have on people we encounter. We have been given a light and should let it shine. I'm lucky because I feel like I got a second chance to do that.

I am grateful to Mr. Capra, who silently instructed me while I was basking in the glow of our Christmas tree,  cuddled with my honey sipping DELICIOUS hot cocoa with marshmallows & a candy cane - that this life is a precious precious gift and thanks to this program, I more often know what to do with it.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Authenticity

I love when the world gives me messages in bright - flashing - NEON.

I've read a bunch of posts, listened randomly to a few songs all with the message: BE YOU.

No one else on this earth is made like you.  Each of us bring something to this world around us, something that is uniquely given but meant to be shared.  How often I hold myself back thinking - this isn't for me, or someone has already done this - who am I to deny the gifts I have been given?

My FAVORITE (or one of) show is 'Sunday in the Park with George' by Stephen Sondheim. It is in fact one of my dreams to play George one day.  The show explores the art of possibility and the art of art, the art of creating, and at it's core - the art of honoring yourself.

The line that has been echoing through my head today and welling me up slightly with tears as it always does is from the song 'Move On' and the lyric is: "Anything you do, let it come from YOU, then it will be new, give us more to see"

Go OUT. Be YOU.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Oh this blank box.  It's stared me in the face for DAYS!

Seriously,  I've been very lazy lately not exactly sure why. Sometimes I find it difficult to find the line between taking it easy and LAZY.

I'm back at work today and feeling sluggish. One of the things I find fascinating about this city is that there is a constant pace.  I both love and hate it.  I always find when I've dropped out of the stream (as I did this weekend) it's sometimes twice as difficult to jump back in and start swimming at that pace again.

I did have a good weekend it was just full of a lot of things I 'was gonna' do and then didn't.  I did get to have a wonderful dinner both Saturday & Sunday nights and catch up with some good friends.

Here's hoping I get my motor runnin!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Season of Sunshine

OMG!  We put our tree up last night!!!!!!

It looks so pretty!  I find it interesting that I am in the full throes of Christmas Spirit - ALREADY!  Last year I couldn't have cared less.

I'm excited for Christmas this year! I am going to try and keep the focus on GIVING this season, really looking for the lights in other people, practicing compassion and carrying the warmth I feel out in the cold. I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm really feeling it this year.  I am also excited to travel to Colorado to visit Mom, Sis and a WHOLE bunch of other relatives - Chris is coming too and will be meeting many of them for the first time.

I am grateful that on the whole I have a very loving and accepting family.   I'll post pics later - in the meantime - what's your favorite thing about this season?