Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I just wanna effin Dance!

As with most things, it's never as bad as I imagine.

Last night was a lesson in expectations, conquering fear and letting GO!

Expectation:  A class of about 20, Basic level, Judgement, that I could fake it & not go full out (contrary to my blog title even!)

What happened:
A class of about 60! A bit more advanced than I had thought though not terribly difficult. I spent the first 20 minutes to half hour in my head so I couldn't really focus on the warm up & across the floor times. I percieved judegments from every corner of the room. 
I took a few deep breaths, said a prayer to help me stay in the moment & enjoy it.
Slowly relaxed and jumped into the routine. Was I perfect?  no.  Did I have fun?  Yes! Am I going back next week - ABSOLUTELY!
I leave you with this gem:

Monday, November 29, 2010

Do Not Delay out of Fear

I went to an amazing Ninth Step meeting last night full of wisdom, humor & the reassurance that no matter what, it really is all good (even if we don't belive it at the time)

I was struck by a passage from the reading that said (and I'm paraphrasing) above all we must be sure that we are not delaying out of fear.   That sentence struck me more in a broader sense but I can certainly relate it to the 9th step! .....as well as pretty much every other aspect of my life.

That being said, I've got some fear.  I have a friend who has been not only an enormous inspiration in my sobriety but in my acting pursuits as well.  A few weeks ago we had coffee and he grilled me about what actions I was taking to further my career, and we discussed taking a dance class together.

Me, one who finds dance classes INCREDIBLY intimidating, and he who is currently in his fifth Broadway show... dancing...together.   We've been planning it for the past three Mondays but have re-scheduled for various reasons, until tonight.  It's here.  I'm excited for sure but I want to go and be the best one in the room, which isn't realistic.  What I will do is show up, do my best & trust that my friend only wants what is best for me & that through this experience, I can improve my technique.  Now having written this all out I feel much better about tonight but had to acknowledge it so I can move past it!  Prayers!  I will not delay out of fear!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving, though a beautiful reminder of keeping gratitude in the forefront of my life is usually the toughest holiday for me to get through.  There is a moment during each of the last 4 Thanksgivings that I remember my last DRUNK Thanksgiving. Certainly all around not a shining moment in my life and one of those times I wish I could forget.
Luckily through this program I have learned that I can look at the past but I don't have to stare, and I can choose not to beat myself up over it.

What helped me this year: staying close to meetings, staying in gratitude & being of service by working on the round up show.  We opened last night to a crowd of adoring fans.  The love emanating from that audience was palpable.  I felt, truly felt what is was like to have done the work & let the results go.  It was amazing to feel that and watch it in action.  Together we navigated our individual and group fears by keeping service in the forefront of our minds and remembering that all we were doing with this show was presenting a message of hope. Hope that can inspire a day counter or an old timer to remember that it is truly one day at a time. It truly is amazing to realize how center this program has become in my life when I choose it.  THANK YOU

I hope you all had an amazing holiday!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Eve

I am grateful today for:
sleeping in a bit
that little one eyed pug Buddy, he's all heart
a nice day at home with my man, watching TV, laughing & enjoying each other
Steven Steven Steven
for the magic that is theatre
for an amazing cast that is all heart
for the round up
for reminding myself of my primary purpose, to stay sober & help another alcoholic

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Gratitude

I am grateful today for:
my morning affirmation practice
the opportunity to practice listening, compassion and putting others first
a beautiful email from my fiance
texts from my AA friends
Being off for the next two days
a great meeting about anger & acceptance
remembering that acceptance is the answer
A little one-eyed pug named Buddy
Getting to talk to my sponsor tonight
Coming home to a delicious home cooked meal
Getting some sleep!

xo - J

It Gets Better

In All Our Affairs

Tradition #12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us

to place principles before personalities.

What I really love about my higher power is that he has a sense of humor much like mine.  In late September I was asked & gratefully accepted the job of directing our Round Up show.  For an actor such as myself, being used to being on stage and in the lights is where I'm comfortable - this was a shift.  I had to confront & move through a lot of feelings of fear, self-consciousness and inadequacy.  I got the a place where  I saw this as an opportunity to be of service in a different way, an opportunity to grow spiritually and give back what was given me having performed in two of the round up shows since coming into the rooms.  What's funny about it is he gave me a cast full of 15 Me's! I look at that group of amazingly talented people from all walks of life and I see aspects of myself in everyone of them - it is the ultimate meeting, every rehearsal

What a gift and what an opportunity to really apply the principles of this program to real life, real time.  The cast & crew has poured their hearts into it and I sit back awed at what I see.  People pushing through fear.
I have learned to be a better listener of the heart. I have practiced compassion, patience and understanding.  I wouldn't have ANY of these values were it not for this amazing program and the people I have watched exhibiting the very same thing before me.

I'm sure I'll be posting more about the progress as we work through our tech rehearsal, dress rehearsal and two shows this weekend! I need to take a moment and reflect on the lessons I've learned & gifts I've been given. I am grateful

Monday, November 22, 2010

Gratitudes!

Good evening!!!

I am grateful today for:
getting to work and showing up - sometimes that 's all I can do
for Mucinex
for Whole Foods
for having the ability to buy myself healthy wholesome food & making the choice to do so
for taking a trip to NJ for the NOH8 Campaign
for getting an outside view at the city I so adore
for calling my sponsor
for work tomorrow
for the good nights sleep I have in front of me

Much Love,  J

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Greetings!!

I am grateful today:

That I am home & in an apt with heat after working all day mostly in the cold
for having work today & showing up
for being a part of someone's 100th Bday celebration - can you imagine living to 100?
for coffee
for working with other sober people even if they are a bit crazy, it keeps me in my place
for texts from various AA Michaels
for an early bed time that is coming soon
for sobriety & being willing to grow along spiritual lines

Friday, November 19, 2010

TGIF

Happy Friday to you all!!!

I thought I'd share some gratitude before I'm outta here for the weekend.

I am grateful today for:
getting to work with my sponsee tonight
attending a meeting of AA
that I've only 40 minutes left in this office until Monday
that I was able to take a coffee break & meet my fiance quickly for my first Caramel Brule Latte of the season
acknowledging the feeling that it's time to dig a little deeper spiritually, I've been a restin on my laurels
being willing
recovery, unity & service
having solutions in my life instead of problems

Monday, November 15, 2010

Gratitudes

I am grateful today for the following:
showing up at work despite wanting to stay in bed until this cold goes away
doing the best I can in any given moment
being responsible & communicative with one of my boss's who I don't always see eye to eye with
a little bit of self care



epsom eucalytpus baths by candlelight with a good book - out of a movie right?.....and substitute the beer for a hot ginger tea with honey & cayenne pepper



getting to bed early
being sober
living a life that I love

Light & Dark

I've read a lot of posts lately with similar themes. Light. Dark.

One of my favorite lyrics of all time is: "If I show you the darkness I hold inside, will you bring me to light?"
It is from a song called 'Bring Me to Light' from the musical 'Violet' by Jeannine Tesori & Brian Crawley.

I was in the middle of a run of this show when I hit bottom and started to get sober. I was always touched by that lyric. I was convinced that no one had ever been to the dark places I had been physically, mentally or spiritually. I started this program and very slowly began to trust not only people but my higher power too. Then I started to slowly peel away the layers & layers of coverage around my own little light, letting it eek out in small ways and the subsquently trusting a bit more.

What's amazing to me is still today I can relate to that quote. I find it easy to hide myself from this world and the people in it, easy because it's what I've done for years. When I feel myself go there I try to remember Marianne Williamson's quote about light:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Late Night Gratitude

Today I am grateful for:
sleeping in
getting a lot of house work done
a gorgeous day to throw open all the windows
a fun night at work & getting a tip - YAY Abundance!!
constant reminders of what it was like
knowing that I'm getting up & going to a meeting tomorrow

Friday, November 12, 2010

TGIF

well - thank God it's any day really

I am grateful today for the following blessings in my life:
A job that helps me pay my bills & the ability to show up for it
Maintaining a positive attitude even when it feels like I'm the only one
an AMAZING meeting with my sponsor & plans to get back on a weekly face to face check in
following that with a great 3 speaker meeting each with little nuggets of wisdom
having the faith that everything will work out & be as it is meant to
my good friend John who celebrates 2 years today - i took him to his first meeting, he called to thank me today & I cried
getting to play house in the West Village for the weekend
some quiet time

Much Love, Jeremy

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Gratitudes

Hello!!

I am grateful today for:
having the next 2 days off
a co-worker apologizing to me for some 'tude she threw my direction, it was a pleasant surprise
getting to see a lot of good friend this evening at the clubhouse, it lightens my soul
Ginger.Honey.Cayenne - this sore throat is on it's way OUT
a great meeting with new & old faces and a whole lotta wisdom
calling my sponsor & being more accountable about my meeting schedule
Sugarbaker Interior Design

Much Love to you all!!
Jeremy

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Gratitude

I am grateful today for the following:
exercising my right to vote
a relatively easy day at work with a few indicators that it'd been too long since I'd been to a meeting
getting to a meeting!
getting hugs from a lot of people from my home group - it warms my soul when I see you all
shuffles from Adam
a beautiful meeting about self care.
reminders that little actions make big differences
trying to live a sober life one day at a time
day counters and their bravery
my sobriety & yours.

Much L

Monday, November 1, 2010

Gratitudes

I am grateful today for:
getting back to gratitude
a beautiful reading in Daily Reflections today
an easy day at work
for attending a beautiful goodbye/well wishing party
for Michael's Shake Shack custard updates
for getting to a meeting tomorrow
for documentaries - I really love learning
for gratitude lists & the people on them

much love, Jeremy