Friday, October 29, 2010

Gratitudes!!

I am grateful today for:
sleeping in a bit
a fun trip to the Zoo!
Calls from Michael who keeps me on target
Getting an afternoon nap
a fun night at work, and also an easy night at work
texts from my sponsee
reminders why I dont drink today
my sobriety & yours

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Alone No More

I led a meeting last night after reading from 'Living Sober'.  Chapter 14 about Fending Off Loneliness

It was an intense meeting with almost everyone sharing how much they abhorred the topic because it hits so close to home.

I sat there listening to everyone recount the loneliness that they often still feel in sobriety, the apart from the different than.  I was struck but the overwhelming WE of this program. Not only could everyone in that room relate, but that common bond of not wanting to feel that & the knowing and  taking actions or trusting that it will pass was pervading the room.

Whenever I feel lonely in the future, I will remember last night. It was very powerful

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Gratitude!

Hi Y'all

I am grateful for:
kicking my own ass a bit
an easy day at work
a sponsee that is exactly the way I was
two great meetings
being asked to speak
getting the chair a meeting after speaking, realizing that in a room full of 20 people all talking about lonliness, that they all FELT the same way and sharing that with them made me feel a lot less lonely on some deeper level
SPINNING
Shake Shack
the pumpkin custard in my freezer - Michael & Laura - it's happening!
that i can lay my head down tonight sober
feeling a connection to God

Monday, October 25, 2010

Gratitudes




I am grateful today:
that I got through work doing my best & restraining pen & tongue
for taking some me time for chores around the house tonight
for Nip/Tuck
for being asked to speak at a meeting at my home group  tomorrow
for music in all it's forms especially Beethoven's 8th Symphony
for knowing that no matter what is going on in this world and how crazy it may seem - it truly is ALL good
for a woman who smiled at me on my way home tonight it was exactly what I needed
for a program and the ability to use it 

Questions & Answers

I got an email from a dear friend asking me what the opposite of the following things were.

1.) Demanding to be right?
 - being willing & open to consider other possibilities

2.) Demanding to be a victim?
- the knowledge, trust & faith that everything in this world is happening FOR me not against me

3.) Refusing to Forgive?
 - Acceptance

While I normally don't take a victim mentality,  I am certainly guilty of the others. What struck me as I was considering these things was how more and more I find myself living in the answers instead of the questions. Night & Day difference from 3 years and some months ago

Willingness. Openness. Faith. Acceptance.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Weekend Gratitudes!

Today I am grateful:

That job #1 is almost over, it's been a bit harrowing
That when things get harrowing, I have tools to use
For job #2
That my good friend Michael stopped by, brought lunch, coffee & then we went & got cupcakes - it was a lovely break!
For the 'Trevor Project'
For being asked to qualify next week - it's been a while
A great meeting last night full of all the things I love - tragedy, laughter and recovery

Friday, October 22, 2010

TGIF

I mean I'm glad it's Friday for sure but I'm working through the weekend so for different reasons:
Why I'm glad it's TODAY - Friday:

I woke up in a warm bed next to my fiance in a warm apartment that is ours
Hot coffee was ready & waiting - woo hoo coffee maker timer man!
Being present at work today
Not jumping with the flow of negativity here but swimming against stream keeping a positive attitude
Not adding to the drama :)
Getting to my home group tonight & hitting some fellowship afterwards
God doing for me what I cannot do for myself
Not feeling a need to drink today
Knowing that I have a solution
More coffee - free at that  - YES!
Wishing you all a beautiful weekend!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Who knows?

Truthfully, I've been starting & re-starting this draft all day.

First I wanted to write on humility, then about service but today I haven't been FEELING it.  I've been feeling mostly blah & unmotivated. I don't like when I get this way but I think really it's the natural way of things.  Yesterday was an all around amazing day! Today was different, I've noticed that I want a lot of things to go 'my' way today - i'll have to check that.

I will leave some gratitudes:
I am grateful for our apartment and that I call it home
I am grateful for my many jobs
I am grateful for my ability to show up (& sometimes shut up)
I am grateful for that I don't reach for alcohol, drug or cigarettes when I'm feeling discontent
I am grateful for coffee & chocolate cookies

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mid-Week Gratitude

I am grateful today for:
praying every morning, it connects me
getting called back at an audition today
bringing the best of me into that room today
my co-workers who cover me so I can go to auditions
my fiance bringing me lunch at work (YUMMY Shake Shack to boot!)
getting to a meeting tonight
being able to see my sponsee face to face & do some work
a life beyond my wildest.
the practice of principles before personalities.

Have a great Wednesday!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Progression

I used to be an expert in the art of facade.  I had or rather have the uncanny ability of reading exactly what YOU want ME to be, and then I spend huge amount of energy creating that person, not my authentic true self but a projection of what I think YOU want that sometimes included bit of realness but more often than not it didn't.

Alcohol was HUGE in helping accomplish these feats of identity denial. Alcohol helped me become like Sydney Bristow on Alias, morphing into whatever was necessary to accomplish any mission. Missions that included getting things: money, drinks, sex, love, adoration, jobs, my way and the list goes on and on and on...

Coming into Alcoholics Anonymous I realized much to my surprise no one wanted anything from me.  The walls & facades I had built had no power here except for keeping me behind them and unable to connect. I quickly realized that wouldn't work and slowly started taking them down brick by painful brick.

Bare. Exposed. Raw

I felt loved which was a strange sensation. I was allowed to explore who I was, try some things on that didn't fit, tried some things on that did. Grow. Learn. Explore.  

Then like a bird ready to leave the nest, I started somehow being myself in the rooms outside of AA, out in the real world. Sometimes successful, sometimes not I knew I could always return home if I needed to feel safe & secure.  I learned how to not only relate to other people but to let that grow and to be a friend.

I'm reflecting on this recently because I remember a time in the not too distant past where I was resolved that I would never have a loving intimate relationship followed by a stretch of time where I poured that pain into people & trysts that wouldn't last (and I knew it).  A journey I didn't know I'd embarked upon, a process, again slowly learning how to make progress.  Step by step. Loving more & allowing it to happen.

This week was another milestone. I'M ENGAGED!  A fact that astounds me, but at the same time is perfectly right, natural and completely due to me being a sober man and practicing the principles of this program in all my affairs. I am so grateful

Remember it's the journey and if I don't drink, I get to enjoy it in all it's glory.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A message from our founder

A read 'Bill's Story' last night from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (pg 1 - 16).  I can't recall the last time I read that story, but it was a wonderful experience last night and I related to SO many things:
pg 8- No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
 - Boy was it, alcohol colored every part of my exisistence before I found this program. It surrounded every thought I had. Every joy, every sadness, every fear, every success.  Alcohol was the best friend I ever had, it understood me when no one else would - that's right, I thought something completely inanimate understood my inner workings better than any human on earth could.
pg 10 - Certainly I was interested. I had to be, for I was hopeless.
-  I'm reminded of my 'eskimo'. The friend who by example months before had planted a seed simply by talking about his own experience with AA. This was important to me because when I finally stopped digging, I realized I was not out of options. I called him and he took to my first meeting

pg 14-15 Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.
- I had OODLES of faith before entering AA. That foxhole kinda cocksure faith that told me I was unique, special and of course things would work out in my favor- I'm JEREMY. Well, needless to say when I started gaining a little humility & gratitude things shifted.  Today I have faith. I have a faith that sometimes falters or feels scary but it's the one thing I can rely on when things get rough. I trust in a higher power and a higher plan, most of which I don't even feel the need to know.

pg 16 - Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now.
 - Simply put, when I take a moment to look at my life today I'm overjoyed! I still strive towards goals & dreams but not out of an unhappy place but from a place over trying to be the best me I can  & honor the dreams that were written in my heart the day I was born. Dreams I couldn't feel or see when they were doused with alcohol.  

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

There's something more

Well, I didn't get the call. I was disappointed last night naturally but then I told myself that this is all part of the process. I am exactly where I need to be and the right gig will come along when it is supposed to be there.

I went to a great meeting last night about sponsorship and when it all comes down to it, we're really just helping eachother sponsor or not. I learn things inside the rooms of AA that help me live life outside of the AA room.  What a gift.  I am so lucky to have the opportunity and that today more than anything I still want it.  I still want sobriety. I still want to live life to it's fullest.  I still want to feel.   That means to quote a favorite TV show:

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

C'mon Ride the Train!

I've been ridiculously busy (and grateful for it) lately with work.  I've prevented myself from making meetings since Wednesday or Thursday of last week (not a good choice) Yesterday was my first day off from both jobs since I don't even know when.  It was nice to relax, I seriously didn't leave the apartment all day.
I got a call mid afternoon asking me to come in for an audition today for an 'immediate replacement'
I said yes
and then I panicked...what if I get it? How will I survive financially? Will my various jobs be angry if I leave? Should I care? Do I want THIS job? If I get it I'll have to give up on the round up show. I'll have to leave my other jobs.  Will they be here when I get back?  ...and on and on and on.... so much so that I had a lot of trouble focusing on my audition piece, which yes, I've done countless times but I still like to bring 'me in the moment' to it when it happens...I jumped on the cuckoo train when it pulled into the station & rode it for longer than I should have.


I remembered two things whilst in this muck: One which was taught to me through my practice of Intensati:
I CAN change a thought
Two:  It doesn't matter what I WANT, because all of my needs will be provided for. I am divinely guided and if I am meant to have this job I will have it.  Everything else will follow. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  These are all idea I owe to this program of AA.  I show up, shut up & do the work then let go of the results.   Practice makes better!

xo - J
ps - I'll be hitting a meeting tonight,  maybe two

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Believe In Miracles

I've believed in miracles since I was a little boy, that word though over time has changed it's meaning to me.
I look around now and see them everywhere.
MIRACLES