Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Drunk Dialing

I dunno about you but I was pretty famous for this 'past time'.

Get nice & liquored up, start thinking about who was missing from the party, then I'd think well hey - I should call them & bring them in so inevitably regardless of the time of day I would dial whomever scream, yell, hoot & holler in the phone and then laugh about it the next day while recovering from my hangover with a #2 meal from McDonalds.

Later on and toward the end of my drinking on those nights or rather early mornings before the sunrise I would look around and see myself usually in a bar full of strangers, desperate, lonely, and sad I would again pick up the phone & call one of my two good friends.  I would cry & bemoan that they just don't understand me, no one does, no one ever will. I would wander around my old neighborhood lost, drunk and very alone.  I remember a quote from a musical I was in at the time:
"If I show you the darkness I hold inside, will you bring me to light?" - Violet
Only I couldn't bring myself to open up in that way or rather I didn't know how.

I somehow found the willingness (by the grace of my higher power) to check out AA. Drunk dialing took on a whole new meaning. I found I was 'dialing a drunk to avoid getting drunk' instead of being a 'drunk off my ass dialer'.  Using the phone even now after some time in the program is still difficult, but when I was counting days it was such a relief.  Many times I would call people and say: Um Hi, it's Jeremy, I don't know what to say but I'm doing what my sponsor told me to do. It always led to a conversation about anything, what I was doing for the day, how I was feeling, what they were doing, sometimes even about wanting a drink....then as time went on a fellowship grew up around me, friendships were formed and now I call those people and rarely ever do I feel truly alone.

The beauty is we shared a darkness so we can now share a light.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I am SO excited!

I got a call last night from my friend who's show was selected to be part of the entertainment at this year's round up.  She asked ME to direct it!  I'm going to be A LOT of fun.  I've never directed anything before so it'll be a new venture & an amazing way to be of service.  I've done a few of the round up shows since getting sober & it's always a wonderful time.  It's called 'Oliver!...with a twist'
Auditions are Sunday @ Pearl Studios here in NY from 3-5pm


I was reminded today about a passage from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous pg 60:
"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery & the rest of the players in his own way"
It reminds me that I have a job to do & that is be of service. I don't need to do anything but that, the other things like lights, scenery, music, actors - it'll all come.

I'm looking forward to having an awesome experience.

I also stumbled across a great quote today:
"True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic. It's the the urge to surpass all other at whatever cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever cost". - Arthur Ashe

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Dedication to my Dad

It's amazing when you lose someone and slowly realize that everything you do after that point is influenced by that loss.
I lost my Dad 6 years ago today. A fact that certainly influenced my using. There was always a part of me that believed that next drink would reach down & finally quell that untreated pain. It never did, it scratched at me, clawing & gnawing. How does someone move on with thier life after that?

Strangely enough, he had more of an influence on my recovery. He himself was not a drinker, was not in a program, but had an unshakeable faith, an amazing outlook on life and truly sought to let his light shine to those around him.  It's those attributes I focus on today, those are the things I strive for today.

One of his favorite movies was 'The Lion King',

Friday, September 17, 2010

The Things We Carry

It's a VERY slow day here at work today.

I like days like this mostly but sometimes I find it's days like this one that I tend to take a trip upstairs and start THINKING, and well know how much fun that is.

I had to smile because, for some reason the muzak is blaring here today & only a few moments ago played a song that caught my ear. The first lyrics are: "I used to carry the weight of the world and now all I wanna do is spread my wings & fly"
"Weight of the World" by Chantal Kreviazuk

It was a gentle reminder of my own freedom through sobriety. What a gift. The sky truly is the limit and I get to open my wings, leap, and trust in the wind that is carrying me.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

is LOST

It's offical - I'm obsessed with the series 'LOST'

I started watching the first season as it aired loooong ago but never stuck with it. Now in lieu having cable, we've been catching up on old shows via Netflix and our own DVD collection one of which is 'LOST'

I was watching an episode the other day and without giving too much away. Jack gets about 4 or 5 people to do a certain task/action every two hours or so. There's a huge discussion about 'well what if we don't' and the uncertainty of what COULD happen was enough to convince everyone that they should keep taking the action without knowing what the end result may be.

It was a good reminder to me. ACTION = FAITH. Remembering that when I can trust in a higher power's will for me & truly listen to it. It's all good and I ain't so LOST. In fact, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

PS - Please don't comment anything about the show - I like the surprises!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A little humor

Thanks to Tabitha for reminding me that we're in the same boat...
which then reminded me of a song by the same name from the musical 'Curtains'
which led me to find this gem:

Trust in the Stars

From 'Doubt' by John Patrick Shanely

"I want to tell you a story. A cargo ship sank one night. It caught fire and went down. And only this one sailor survived. He found a lifeboat, rigged a sail…and being of a nautical discipline…turned his eyes to the Heavens and read the stars. He set a course for his home, and exhausted, fell asleep. Clouds rolled in. And for the next twenty nights, he could no longer see the stars. He thought he was on course, but there was no way to be certain. And as the days rolled on, and the sailor wasted away, he began to have doubts. Had he set his course right? Was he still going on towards his home? Or was he horribly lost… and doomed to a terrible death? No way to know. The message of the constellations - had he imagined it because of his desperate circumstance? Or had he seen truth once… and now had to hold on to it without further reassurance? There are those of you in church today who know exactly the crisis of faith I describe. And I want to say to you: DOUBT can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Primary Purpose

I've been wallowing in a lot of self doubt & self pity lately.

I walked into my Monday night meeting last night and the person speaking was someone I'd met early on. We tried to help each other and a lot of emotions & craziness got in the way of that help. He sounded great & reminded me that I don't have to fight everything, sometimes there is immense power in being powerless.

I left that meeting and had a lot of those souls on my mind. The ones I wanted to help but couldn't, I realize that I can keep no one sober but myself, but it's hard to watch & I always think 'what more could I have done' which I realized is quite a self centered statement....I fell asleep with some of these people on my mind.

I awoke this morning, late but still made time to practice a new (to me) ritual. Getting on my knees, thankful to be sober & praying for guidance. I said a prayer for each one of those lives who have touched mine. I showered, drank my coffee, kissed Chris & walked out the door.

I got all the way to the subway and realized I'd left my Metrocard in my pants from the night before. I tried to buy (twice) a new card but the machine wasn't reading my credit card so I schlepped back.  I am filled with frustration, anger & annoyance with myself.  I'm searching through my phone hoping that there is not a problem with my bank account (there wasn't).  A block from my house, I look up and into the eyes of  a fellow from my home group who has struggled but is putting days together. He just moved to my neighborhood a few weeks ago. We exchange numbers and head back into our days.

I look up at the crystal clear blue fall sky, wink & smile and say thanks.  A perfect reminder of my primary purpose: To stay sober & help another alcoholic.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I am grateful today:
for the knowlegde that I am an alcoholic which means I have a disease that affects me physically, mentally & spiritually.
for a solution and a tool box
for an amazing partner who I can trust to take care of me in difficult times
for a home group that surrounds me with love
for a daily affirmation practice