I've often felt that alcohol was my first & longest relationship. Much like a new love, it made me feel happy & whole. It pushed me to new heights, boosted my ego made me dare things I never would. Gave me confidence a sense of pride....it gave me all these things and I slowly lost myself, but I didn't mind because being ME was not something I liked...
things got worse...
for years I tried to break up with it. We'd have glorious fights & struggles, go days perhaps without talking but eventually I'd go running back, to weak to face life without my love by my side.
I look back on those times now in awe. In my darkest thoughts I never believed I could live a life without alcohol, but living a life with it was no life at all, or beginning to be no life at all. Things had gotten so dark, so small, so empty.
That is not the case today.
I am grateful today:
That someone planted the seed of AA in me about a year before I came in
That I was accepted lovingly into what is now my home group
For a life today that is mine and that is SO full it's beyond my wildest dreams
for the chance to be of service
for trust in this program now that I can see & feel how it works
To have a program and a tool kit to help me navigate sober living.
To have a conception of a higher power who I can bring with me wherever I go
A great meeting last night & the amazing fellowship beforehand - what a gift
Forming & Maintaining relationships
Not feeling alone
A great talk with my sponsor
The opportunities to practice these principles in all my affairs
A fellow shared a story where after being dry for a time was out with friends and had been staring at a glass of beer for almost two hours when the thought occurred to him: 'Alcohol will always win'.
I thought about that & realized that it might, but every day I don't pick up a drink, I have better chance of winning myself.
It's 11:37am and already it's been QUITE a morning.
Work. Family. Life - a lot of little things started my mind spinning this morning and now I'm entertaining a bunch of impractical ideas just to 'show em'! Figure this was a good a time as any to reflect on what I am grateful for
I am grateful today that:
I can start my day over at any time
That I can take a deep breath, listen to my heart beating and know that it's all gonna be fine
for restraint of pen & tongue
for the amazing love & support I feel
my morning affirmation practice
for being a partner - legally :)
-Suspenders, they are a fun & fashionable choice
-CHOICE, and the fact that I have it, not only when it comes to wardrobe but in every aspect of my life. -What a gift
-A fabulous meeting last night where the topic was 'Fending off Lonlieness' - again it's my choice.
-For knowing the difference between what I want, and what is best for me. Sometimes they align, sometimes they don't
- For really great conversations with both of my siblings yesterday, I am so lucky to be in the middle of those two
- For getting up & getting to work on time every day this week, sometimes it's such a struggle but I did it
- For smiles, hugs & chats with the fellows from my home group last night - invigorating!
I sat in a great meeting last night where the topis was: Self-worth.
One comment was: "I don't believe any of us came in here with much of that".
For me that was definitely true. I think it's why my sponsor told me early on to do things each day like brush my teeth and make my bed. Small little actions that made me show myself a little love. I can't even tell you how hard these things were early on either, not so much the actions but the consistency and the doing it everyday. I've never been one for much a routine but it's grown on me.
From there my self love grew to things like exercise, eating right, meetings, helping others, taking the next right action and so on and so on.
The amazing thing about it is when we start to gain a little self-love or self-respect, we can then show that to others which grows our own exponentially.
I am grateful today:
That my homegroup loved me until I learned to love myself
for new (to me) meeting by my house that I really enjoyed
the movie 'Inception' and that being based in reality for me is a much better place to be
for the opportunity to be of service
for the work I have this week.
I attended a beautiful ceremony yesterday as a blessing & welcoming of my friends new baby: Carolena.
I was blessed to be a part of it and even more excited that I got to sing with Laura Berman. Her song 'Through Me' I first heard as I was embarking on my 3rd Step and trying to conceptualize, intellectualize & embody that. Definitely worth a listen.
Today I woke in fear and immediately wanted to cancel my plans for a run (6 mi) with my friend. Last time I ran two weeks ago I suffered SEVERE shin splints. I've taken it easy since the, taken suggestions on how to heal them by doing simple things, but mostly taking it easy, which ironically never comes easy to me.
I didn't cancel. I met him and said hey, I've been having some fear about this. He looked at me and said, if we need to stop we stop. Then putting one foot in front of the other we started, no pain, then we started talking and 40 minutes later we completed the 6 mile run around Central Park - catching up & gabbing the whole time. it was a perfect morning.
I am grateful today for:
taking action regardless of fear
knowing how to listen to my body
friends that support me without expectation
a wonderful meeting & fellowship last night
making sure I get a meeting today
listening to a wonderful speaker on Step 6.
I sat in a great meeting yesterday & really listened.
The topic was are you an alcoholic, and the chair read the queations from the pamphlet Is AA for you. It was great for me to take it back to that simplicity & remember the time I took that test & how when I think about it, there's no other place I should be than in a meeting and doing my best to help another.
I am grateful today
for keeping it simple
the reminders of why I am here
a great time at fellowship
some quiet time at home
that later today I'll be surrounded by friends & their newborns!
that I love babies (not always the case)
that I'll get to a meeting today
Doing for the sake of Doing. Action regardless of outcome.
not much to report, just trying to stay in the habit of writing.
I've got a meeting and fellowship planned after work which I am looking forward to for sure!
Today I am grateful for:
My automatic coffee maker set 10 minutes before my alarm, it helps me on these early mornings.
Plans with program people
The ability to show up
A fun night in last night
Remembering to be of service
I've not wanted to blog a lot lately, and so I haven't
I keep telling myself I've nothing of value to share, and that is then followed by I don't want to be in self-pity by sharing that I think of full of it..
Truth is, I'm learning to take it a bit easier on myself. My meetings have not been daily and therefore I feel a bit off the beam. I spoke with one of my fellows who simply stated: 'You're doing fine'.
Funny how my mind & disease won't let me believe that. More and more I begin to understand how this is a TODAY thing. All I have is today and if I don't drink TODAY, then I'm doing good. The rest will come with patience, willingness and work.
I am grateful today for getting some extra sleep
I am grateful today that I set up a budget (EEK)
I am grateful that daily I can do little things that make a difference
I am grateful that I have friends who are VERY good listeners
I am grateful that I am willing to be inspired
I am grateful that I am willing to take action
I am grateful for the opportunity to audition yesterday & bring myself in that room and not who I thought I should be
I am grateful too for the practice in letting go of those results