Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Hide and Seek

I heard once that addiction is a hiding place.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

When I first read in the Big Book I remember being astonished at this passage: "Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions".(pg 64 - Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)
I couldn't BELIEVE it for the longest time you see because in my mind liquor was the problem and if I could just learn how to treat that right, or do it right then I could succeed in this world as a normal human.

I've learned over time that I am an alcoholic, which means I'm never going to be 'normal' as it were.  Which I now embrace, cause really who want to be normal? 

Getting back on topic though, that being the subject of hiding. I can think way back to before I even picked up a drink and how I used other things to hide in.
Playing piano - I would do this for hours, I would get lost in it. It was so comfortable, so comforting.  I'm reminded of it every time I hear the song 'Everything Else' from Next to Normal.
I relish getting lost, I still do at times - there are days when I'm amazed how easy it can be.

The beauty for me today is those moments don't last long, I don't get lost to escape anymore. I can deal with what's in front of me that is a gift.  I no longer have to find places to hide myself out fear. I am a fully realized being in this world and the days I step into that and live it are SO worth it and can only be achieved having put down that drink & started this journey

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's the First Drink

I was in a great meeting last night where the topic was staying away from the first drink.

I'll admit when I first heard things like "It's the first drink that gets you drunk" my immediate thought was 'Wow, I either really had it bad, or everyone here is a lightweight' I was never really drunk til at LEAST 3 or 4.  One or two were just appetizers.  I was so oblivious to the simplest of ideas.  If I don't drink the first drink, then I won't start the engines on my disease of more moRE MORE.  I constantly marvel and how this program really is SO simple, and yet my complicated mind really likes to make it more than it is.

I am grateful to be reminded of how simple it really is.

In my efforts of trying to see the beauty around me I took a pic this morning of something I always enjoy. When I get up early enough, I get to see the sun rising into this great city.  It usually casts a beautiful orange glow and contrasts with shadows of other buildings.  I tried my best to capture in on my phone - so here ya go:

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Seeing the Beauty

First and foremost - THANK YOU. The love & support I feel from this community is awesome.

My meeting last night was exactly what I needed, (as it usually is). There was a lot of talk of God, and beauty. A fellow was saying how amazing it is to watch a sunset, or see the Rocky Mountains for the first time, or for me when I stand and stare out at the ocean...in those moments it's impossible to not believe that something created this all.

The same thing that created you, the same thing that created me. Call it God. Buddha. Allah. Higher Power. It doesn't matter.

What hit me is how often I have surveyed the beauty in nature, but forget so easily that the same beauty lies in every human around me. I will try to focus on that more.

And of course, in the beauty of synchronicity, I received and e-mail from 'The Universe' this morning that said:

See their good, Jeremy.
See nothing else.
Do it for you.
The Universe

I can shift my thinking, my views, my ideas. I can do that today because I am not hiding behind alcohol & drugs. When I see clearly the possibilities are endless.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Finding Solid Ground

It's interesting to me, I started this post a few days ago with just the title.

I was feeling more settled in to our new place. Finding new meetings and some new ground on which to plant my feet.

Today, I feel like Trina in 'Falsettoland' when she sings 'Holding to the Ground' specifically the lyric: Holding to the ground as the ground keeps shifting.

Not sure why I feel this way. I think lately I've been in a pattern of a few good days: schedule, routine, that includes gym, a meeting, a 10th Step. Then I fall out of sync or perhaps back on my laurels. What's frustrating is I can see it, I even say to myself, go to a meeting, do your 10th step but just as quickly talk myself out of it.

The days I work this program are better than those I don't but I'm a willful little guy lately. sidebar: I've also been willful about writing her (or not more to the point). It's interesting to observe.

I am going to a meeting right after work. I will do my 10th Step tonight. I will write again tomorrow.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Freedom and Independence

One of my favorite lines from the promises is:
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness"

Fitting that I read these today in celebration of our Independence as a nation. I LOVE early American History and what I find amazing about the revolution is that a group of people decided something had to change.
They'd endured years and years of misery & unfairness. Some saw a glimmer of something else, something different. Something frightening, something unknown, something huge. something completely different from the lifestyle they'd know and become comfortable with knowing. The known had become oppressive and unbearable.
Without knowing the end result, they took a risk, they jumped into the spirit of revolution, they fought hard, they held fast to their dreams and knew that work, fighting and a constant vision would get them somewhere other than the misery in which they'd lived.

234 years later, did what they create in those moments become perfect? Far from.  It's better than what they knew and it's been moments of greatness mixed with moments of despair - but it was THEIRS and it is OURS.

Much like the revolution of 1776, coming in this program was a revolution in and of itself for me. Is my life perfect? Far from.  But it's moments of greatness come more and more and the ups & downs of LIFE are mine to participate in fully and love.
New Freedom.  New Happiness. Indeed....Unlike any I've known.