Thursday, April 29, 2010

Ever After

My friend Bill created this for which I am eternally grateful - it brought tears to my eyes -
It's the story of how I met the love of my life

Let Your Light Shine

After a delicious dinner last night, Christopher and I decided to walk back to the apartment I'm staying in for the week cat sitting.  We had dinner on West 47th St and Ninth Ave and walked along to West 92nd St and West End Ave.  It was a glorious night and I was so enraptured that I didn't notice if it was chilly, which perhaps it was.

Colorful conversation. Lots of Laughter. Holding hands the entire way.

Around 75th st. we hear a female voice from behind us "Excuse Me" (simultaneously) we did a slow burn turn around.
"Yes"
We take in the vision of a woman. Light tan rain coat over a black suit with a white blouse. At first guess I'd say early-mid 50's. Brown hair pulled back behind her head
"Well, I'm sorry to stop you, I'm probably old enough to be your Mother, but I thought I'd tell you what a joy it is to see two happy men, unafraid to walk down the street and hold hands, it touches me"
I could see tears in her eyes as she passed us and walked on ahead.

It took us both a moment to catch our breath. The words of Marianne Williamson came rushing back to me in segments: Letting your light shine allows others to do the same.
I was honored and touched by what that woman said. A little angel on 75th St & Broadway to remind me that I am indeed on the right path. Not only with this man. But in this life.
Sobriety has allowed me more and more to let my true self out and what a gift.  I am grateful for that today.
LIGHT - Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Some Gratitude

Today I am grateful for:
Feeling my feelings and expressing them
Letting go of old habits & behaviors that no longer serve me
Asking for help in that venture from God.
Being sober, and the perspective I get when I work a party where there is alcohol served.
That I judge less and observe more
For trust, faith, values & integrity and having more of that these days.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Open to Suggestions

I am grateful today for the following:
I meeting yesterday that I SO needed to be in, the topic being ANGER
the awareness I have that something isn't quite right
for the beautiful sunny gorgeous day
for the reminders from fellows to be gentle with myself and take it easy
the gift that is my sponsee

For the last 1147 days I've been a self proclaimed Pollyanna of AA :).    Happy, cheerful, helpful, loving, smiley.  Sure I've had my ups & downs but for the most part it's been a good ride.  Steady progress and moving forward.

Latley, I've found myself steeped in angst, fretting, worry, anger & resentment.  It seems I've gone the reverse of what used to be, generally happy with moments of not to only having moments of happiness.  So what is happening?  i'm not sure.  My FEELINGS aren't really centered around anything specific.  Part of me feels like life is moving sooo fast that I'm exhausted keeping up with it.  Life which I finally have and can participate in. Maybe LIVING life and being a part of it is a lot of work so maybe I need to adjust my thinking. but how?  I also feel like at times sobriety wise I've hit a plateau or a wall.  I find to weird that I can feel both those things at once that I'm moving too fast yet stuck.

What do you do to change it up?  SUGGESTIONS WELCOME!

Friday, April 23, 2010

I am grateful today for the following:

A sponsor that holds me to task
That I can show up and work when at work
That I choose to go to a meeting tonight
For the glorious day we're having in NYC today
For a quiet day at the day job after a hectic night at the night job
For remembering that I am an example
for progress not perfection

Hope you all have a glorious weekend!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Muchas Gracias

I am grateful:
for speaking up at my home group last night
for going to a morning meeting today - a great way to start the day!
for wandering around the neighborhood with my boyfriend today and dreamin
for a day full of possibility
for knowing better and reaching for better
for getting to see my friend Steven's first draft of a show about crystal meth  & being scared and grateful all at once.

Hope you have a great day!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Rabbit Hole

I am grateful today:
that I will get to a meeting
that I get to see my friend develop his show tonight
for a change in surroundings
for being able to go through something versus sticking in it
for my friend Michael who celebrates his natal Bday.

I've had a lot floating anxiety and thoughts lately. Definitely due to my lack of meetings in the past week which is weird for me.  I can't say that there's ever been a time that I've gone this long without but I'm returning tonight which will help.  I've been in a self imposed funk the last few days  - lack of motivation, drive, just plain exhausted.  I've also been working A LOT which is good but I have to remember that life is about balance.

I'm always amazed at how quickly the unmanageability can rise back up.  I'm learning to slowly wade through it, take right action and put one foot in front of the other. My previous reaction would be to freeze, overwhelmed and daunted by all the little things that add up to all the big things that become just too much to handle. Life is a game of inches and every day I am sober is an inch closer. ....really can't wait for my meeting tonight  :)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Gratitude is Key

I am grateful today because that is where it starts

I am grateful for Eva Cassidy and her dulcet tones
I am grateful to be rooted in reality even if it's not always how I'd like it to be
I am grateful that I am never too far away from AA
I am grateful that I have friends that are true
I am grateful that I have work and that it pays me well
I am grateful that at very least I've made the promise to keep up with this list daily
I am grateful that breaks do not mean faliure.

Hoping you all have a wonderful Monday and a beautiful week!

Much Love

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Gratitude

Keeping it Simple and starting off with some gratitude

I am grateful today for a morning off
I am grateful to have a lot of work come my way
I am grateful to catch up om some DVR today
I am grateful that AA is all around me
I am grateful for meetings & their availablilty in NYC

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I Ain't Lonely No More

I had the great fortune to attend a beautiful meeting last night where the topic was lifted out of 'Living Sober'
"Fending Off Lonliness"

It occurred to me that I spent 27 years of my life carefully crafting prefect little brick walls around me.  Layer of brick, layer of cement, layer of brick....higher and higher.  I was safe. You couldn't know me. I could once and a while scale that wall to come and meet you as a person, but it was a rare occasion. I kept you at a safe distance - safely behind my walls of defenses.  It was lonely there yes, but it was comfortable and less painful.
When I discovered alcohol, I found a way to jump over that wall for a bit, enjoy life, it's surroundings and the people in it. It was only ever a temporary vist though as I hadn't learned to take down those walls. Once alcohol stopped woking in that way - i was left, just me and my bottles behind these walls with no way to get out because they had been so carefully crafted.  Lonely. Dark. Sad. Full of Yearning to just be normal, wanted, it seemed so easy for everyone else.
I came into AA empty down to the recesses of my soul. Full of nothing. I'd also lost the one thing that helped me out of those walls.  I felt stuck behind them for at very least my first year in the program.  Slowly but surely, brick by brick I started to disassemble them.  Cracks of willingness turned into cracks of sunshine.
Today  the walls are still there, though they aren't nearly as tall and it comes down to choice for me, do choose to step over the wall, hand extended - or do I crouch where it's comfortable & familiar.   I guess it depends on the day.  I'll tell you now though the days I live beyond my walls are the best yet.  The people of AA show me how to do that every day and for that I am grateful.

I am grateful for this program and it's slow process
I am grateful to trust in this process
I am grateful for my friend Adam who celebrated his year anniversary last night
I am grateful that I get to live my dream today, a few hours of work, then off to a day of rehearsal, followed by a  meeting and an evening with the love of my life.  I am a lucky lucky guy
I am grateful for the gorgeous weather here in NYC.
I am grateful for my morning coffee.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Knocked Over the Head

I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am, but aside from ALL that how truly happy I feel at this moment.

My lack of sleep comes from a restless night that started with a conversation with my boyfriend. I let MY past come up and color our present and future which it has no business doing (again) . My carelessness hurt him which I feel awful about. Tossing and turning all night we finally settled to a sleep around 2am which was late considering that we had to get up at 5:30a so that he could go to work and I could get to an Intensati class.
....alarm goes off at 6:12a (WHAT?!?) ....rushing around, somehow we both made it to our destinations at 7am. Even if it felt like we'd been shot out a cannon

Then I walk into class and as the class unfolds, I focus on following my PASSION.  I highly appropriate topic for me as I'm doing a reading this week and had our first big rehearsal today.  THEN, the end of the series talks about: The past is over - I am free.  EQUALLY fitting given the night before.

I was hit over the head today with glaringly obvious things 1.) that needs to be brought back in my life and 2.) that I just need to let go of.

It was a beautiful lesson for me that my higher power will always give me what I NEED in life, even if they are lessons, which really are just opportunites to grow.

I had a GLORIOUS rehearsal.  I have a feeling this week will be over too fast but it feels amazing to enjoy it in the moment. Connect to my passion and realize that because I am sober today and work a program, I can have this life beyond my wildest dreams.  It's here, now, in ALL it's glory.  I accept it. I OWN it and I love it!!