I was born a fighter or so I'm told.
At just 29 weeks gestation, I decided it was time to join this world. SO October 30th, 1979 at 2:13am in San Antonio Texas, I made my entrance all 2 pounds and 13oz of me was ready to go. It was all the things it should be GRAND and FULL of drama. :)
I can clearly recall my earliest memories of being told I was a fighter. What 'I' did those early months (assisted of course by amazing medical personel), how I strove and fought, overcame odds and somehow kept growing, kept thriving.
A fighter. He's a fighter they would always say. I wore this as a badge of honor. It made me bull-headed, self-reliant, cocky and what I thought was invincible.
Growing up, being a small framed, skinny awkward geek who was clearly gay - I fought the world, I fought stero-types, I isolated, I didn't need you to like me (though really I longed for it). I used to really think well, God brought me into this world, stacked the deck against me so I'm just gonna keep on fighting. That is how I came into this world and I'll just keep doing it. A revolutionary
I faced many a challenge, sometimes head on, sometimes not and overcame a lot. Then I was thrown another sucker punch: Alcoholism
It seemed it was the one foe I couldn't quite take. I have this visual of a cartoon school bully holding me with one hand at my forehead while I frantically punched the air between us thinking that if only I punched harder, I would get through. I am a fighter.
I think that is why for years, I fought alcohol. It was harder though because we were lovers too. How can I let you go? Why do I keep coming back to you after the last time? It was like a bad Jerry Springer episode.
Lost but still fighting, I found the willingness to call someone who I knew had quit fighting that battle.
I put on my tattered dress of self-confidence, willingness and courage, which were all hanging on by mere threads and went to a meeting.
That's where I learned that I didn't have to fight any longer, that's where I found the power in surrender, the power that lies in admitting powerlessness.
I'm grateful every day for that
A part of my Dad's spirit - is a part of mine.
6 months ago