Friday, February 26, 2010

3 YEARS!!!!

Wow.  Unbelieveable.

One day at a time.  Three years have elapsed and I've haven't chosen to drink.  I thank the rooms of alcoholics anonymous for saving my life and the program and steps of alcoholics anonymous for giving me a life.

I'm grateful beyond measure for the blessings and people in my life who support me, love me and guide me along the way.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Objects in head may not be as they appear

I guess I have to laugh.

I called my dentist this AM to see if there was ANY way possible to get seen today, and there was.  I went at noon assuming the worse and prepping myself to hear words like root canal, implant, cavity. I sat in the chair while she finished up with another patient and I prayed. I prayed that I face this with an attitude of healing, I pictured myself in a healing place and I took a bunch of deep breaths.

When all was said and done, she thinks I'm suffering from TMJD. We discussed options. For now, I'm gonna try some hot compresses at night and various exercises. So I guess we shall see. The other thing she handed me on the way out the door is a prescription for Valium. 2.5mg per night/5 night trial to see if that alleviates anything.

I'm nervous about it. I've heard stories that scare me and I don't want to go out on those. I made a saftey net and since Christopher is staying over the next few nights, I'm giving him the pills to administer. It might be a drastic step but I'd rather be safe than sorry.  SO the saga continues.....

Today I am grateful for some answers
I am grateful that I have a dentist I can trust
I am grateful for friends checking on me all day
I am grateful for some face to face time with my affirmation partner
I am grateful that I have tomorrow and Friday off from work
I am grateful for the love in my life in all it's shapes and sizes
I am grateful that I strive to be honest even if it's shameful
I am grateful for this sober life I am living
I am grateful for one day at a time.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Appointments & Meetings

My dentist appt. is this Thursday at 4:30p.

I'm amazed at the amount of fear and pride swallowing it took me to make one simple phone call.  I really don't want her to do the 'I told you so' dance, but she will and I'll nod my head and say - I'll do better next time

I had the great fortune to get to a meeting at my home group last night where one of my good friends was speaking.  She started by saying she loves meetings and has always loved meetings.

I DO TOO!  I got to thinking how sometimes I tell myself I can go without for a day but the truth of the matter is, I'm always better after a meeting.  AND I'm not kidding when I tell you that even my tooth was hurting a bit less after the meeting last night. 

Today I am grateful that I got a good night's sleep despite the pain
I am grateful for my roommates and that they fill the apt. w/ joy & love & laughter
I am grateful that I love meetings
I am grateful for the smile that comes across my face when Christopher calls
I am grateful that I have a job today
I am grateful to take action
I am grateful for my friends in the program who offer help

Monday, February 22, 2010

RESISTANCE

Where I am today
phew...I am a very easygoing, willing kinda guy most of the time.  When I tend not to be is when I'm tired, in pain or in fear.

It's a triple-whammy day!  I am tired. in PAIN and in fear subsequently.

I've immense tooth pain right now, which can only mean one thing: DENTIST.  Which even through the pain I'm resistant to - what is that? I've avoided for the last 6 months or so for purely financial reasons, which of course is mostly the reason why I'm experiencing what I'm going through right now.

I have a really nice dentist, but have not been good about check-ups or my own regimen (i'm a brusher, but flossing is mit or miss).  There's also no way I can pay right now to even get a cavity taken care of.

What does this have to do with recovery you're asking, well so am I.

It has to do with faith & trust:  Faith & trust that if I take the steps through fear, I'll be taken care of
It has to do with responsibility: responsibility to address a problem when it occurs, and to what I can to prevent it in the first place


Today I am grateful for advil
Today I am grateful for an amazing Sati class with Lindsay
Today I am grateful that Christopher came to class & the walked me to work!
I am grateful for a meeting at my home group tonight
I am grateful for a beautiful weekend in Portland where friendships were deepened
I am grateful to literally be surrounded by LOVE.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Maine Day 2

I'm not exactly sure what to write today, I'm just waking from a nap and shortly heading to see my friend Steven do his thing tonight in a production if 'The Mystery of Irma Vep'

Portland has been a fun adventure. Taking trips sober are so much more fun, previously I would get so wrapped up in what party was to be had at night, and them sleep most the rest of the next day, Never getting out and enjoying my surroundings. There were times I did but I was always hung over and certainly not enjoying it to the fullest. I'm glad that has changed.

Today I am grateful for the gorgeous weather here in Maine.  52 degrees & sunny
I am grateful for cute little port towns with their brick alley ways and old buildings
I am grateful for the friendliness of people here even if it's a little off putting to a New Yorker, I try to remain open & remember to smile
I am grateful to be on a trip with friends and see friends,  It's truly a blessing
I am grateful for life and every moment I am in it.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Home Away From Home

Greetings from Portland ME!!

Though I adore the city I live in, I also like getting away.  The beauty of AA for me is that wherever I may roam, I always have a home in the rooms of AA.  It's a glorious feeling, especially for an alcoholic like this guy who NEVER felt a part of anything before.

This quaint little town is stock full of good sobriety. I just got back from an amazing meeting, where we read 'Twice Gifted' pg 470 of the Big Book.  It was amazing to read & identify with the writers insanity.  How many times I had said 'I can't/won't drink like this again' only to find myself making those promises again a few days later and once more failing.  Believing I was damaged, doomed and broken

I no longer believe those things about myself.  Hope restored is one of the most powerful things AA has given me

Congrats to my good friend who today celebrates 2 years!!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Me and my Shadow

WHOA what a meeting today.   A beautiful meeting that started with reading Step 3 out of the 12 and 12.

It prompted a great discussion about making THAT decision and also about our various conceptions of God, however you choose to define that world.

I had an amazing moment when I was recalling the day I did my third step with my sponsor...and then I had another scene shoot through my head.  The movie Peter Pan. Peter chasing that shadow. Trying to connect with it, using tools that weren't working.

Then he meets Wendy, who calmly sits Peter down then sews them together. 
My sponsor is Wendy and the third step is the needle and thread.  My higher power, God is the shadow.

It's all about the willingness and trust - I wake every morning hand in hand with my God and we face each day together.
I was also reminded of one of the affirmations from IntenSati:
"Every day in a very true way, I co-create my reality"

Co-Create to me means:  I LISTEN to God's will or plan and then I DO the work that is asked.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Dream Deferred

I've heard that statement twice over the last 24 hours, once at a meeting and once in reading a gratitude list of my friend Ben. I was prompted to look up that poem by Langston Hughes:

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?


What I like about sobriety for me is that I can turn back towards those dreams. So what did happen to them, maybe all of the above but I can claim them. I realize that often, I love & embrace my dreams in my head and to myself, in the private corners of my world where they stay safe as I slowly work towards them.
...but what about living a life beyond my wildest dreams? Isn't that what this is about? In ways I feel that already - simply put the life I live day to day is beyond any life I dreamed of having when I was drinking.
So, as not to hide and as part of my journey of going FULL OUT
Here are a few of my dreams now that I am sober & willing to put them out there no matter how far off they may seem:
I want to be in a Broadway show in any capacity, play, musical doesn't matter
I want to make a living from this craft, its is my calling, in fact my very being
I want to write and perform a one man show
I want to be a loving husband
I want to be loving father
I want to be sober the rest of my life a day at a time
I want to allow my life to expand
I want to own an apartment in NYC that can house my family heirloom piano
I want to furnish it with Stickley Furniture.

Writing these out even as I read them makes them feel not far off. All journeys begin with a step and I am willing to take those steps and do that work
==========
Today I am grateful that I do not limit my dreams
Today I am grateful for possibility
I am grateful for my friend Michael who is bringing my lunch
I am grateful for the people that I share a daily gratitude list with
I am grateful for what it was like & the harsh reminders I recieve about that, it keeps me sober
I am grateful that I smile a lot more than I used to
I am grateful for an amazing - AMAZING talk with my sponsee last night
I am grateful for progress
I am grateful for a new prayer I learned when I'm forced to deal with someone that I'm unsure how to handle:
God, bless them and change me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What Dreams May Come

I rushed to a meeting last night, it was just one of those days. I grabbed a coffee and as I started to sip it felt some normalcy return to me. I took a few deep breaths and began to settle into the moment and the space around me. Smiled at a few familiar faces and the meeting began.
....so did the judge inside my head. A combination of Simon Cowell and well maybe the worst parts of myself. It started saying things like:'C'mon dude, talk about your DRINKING','You've got NOTHING in common with this meat head''coming here was a waste of time''finish your coffee and get outta here'
-a few more deep breaths-
-listen, breathe, LISTEN-
This man was talking about how much he LOVED baseball, how it was the only thing he was ever good at, really good at, excelled at and he slowly let that dream slip & fade
...a click...
Singing, Acting, Music, these are the things I am good at. These are the things that day by day I chose alcohol over and then continued to drink at, my failed opportunities, especially the ones I was too chicken to take. I didn't feel worthy to even try. I hid my gifts. So scared to share them because sharing them meant losing them.
...how different I see it now. I am blessed with those gifts and so many more that I covered in veils of alcohol, drugs and ego. Today I pray to be able to fearlessly share those with the world divorced from ego & wrong intentions. To give of myself TO GROW.

Today I am grateful that I stayed in that meeting
I am grateful that I do not listen to 'that' voice as much as I used to
I am grateful for the beauty of snow falling (and staying on my nose & eyelashes)
I am grateful for the movie 'Lilo & Stitch' especially the message: "Ohana" means "family." "Family" means "no one gets left behind." - it's how I feel about AA
I am grateful that we are nearing my friend Eva's due date! She's gonna be a great Mom
I am grateful that a wake up call this morning instead of an alarm, much gentler
I ma grateful I get to spend time with Dan, my sponsee tonight

Monday, February 15, 2010

H.A.L.T

Hungy.Angry.Lonely.Tired

I am feeling the H & T of this one right now, which of course is also has let the voice of 'Non-reason' in my head aka my disease voice. it's telling me I've no wisdom to share today, that I can go a few more hours without eating because I have ALL this work to do today.

Well as I write this I'm eating & breathing. Both slowly and deliberately. I do this when the rest of my morning feels shot out of a cannon :)
I'm also going to be sitting in a meeting 15 minutes after I get outta work today, so I've got that goin for me.

Let me get some gratitude's out so that I can re-focus.
I am grateful to have had the Valentine's Day of my dreams yesterday - and why was it so? well for one it was with Christopher, and for two I didn't set expectation on how it all should go
I am grateful that my roommate Chris has returned safely from the Middle East
I am grateful to have a job to report to today
I am grateful for this delicious organic Chili I'm eating at this moment
I am grateful for my sobriety
I am grateful to have a recovery blogging community
I am grateful for this moment in this day
I am grateful that there is always more to learn
I am grateful to live in NYC where meetings are abundant

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Spirituality Continued

Referencing my previous post, when we were reading from the big book, I got this image about spirituality & my will vs god's will.

Indulge me if you will. God's will is a shower. There are days when I turn that water on full blast & let the pouring hot water splash over me, encompass me, soak into my pores. Immersed. Then I face the day showered, awake & clean

Then there are days when, I shower as quick as possible, maybe only a half assed attempt at really getting clean. Then I face the day rushed, off-center,

Then there are those days I sleep too late, don't shower at all. I go through those days like a bull waiting for the moment I can get home & shower. Crashing through those days unclean and maybe a little smelly.

It's important I take the time in the morning, Make that connection & decision DAILY that it's your will for me. Let it wash over me and become a vessel a conduit.

Today I am grateful for:
I am grateful today that I got to sleep in
I am grateful for a quiet morning
I am grateful to have a valentine, even though if I didn't I'd still be happy - it's just another day
I am grateful that through this program I have learned how to love & relate to another person romantically and otherwise
I am grateful to try something new tonight - BBQ Spaghetti (WHAT?!?)
I am grateful for my family
I am grateful for my friends
I am grateful that I get to live this life & own it

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Experience

I attended a WONDERFUL meeting last night. It was rather impromptu...whoever the chair was didn't show up so someone stepped up to the plate. We read a little from the big book & then the shares began & centered a lot around the 'Spiritual Experience' that alcoholics can have.

I thought of two things: My first spiritual experience, which was really a moment of Grace. It's the story of my last drink, which funnily enough wasn't the worst night or morning I'd ever had, but it opened my eyes to a pattern. I'd gone out to dinner with the cast of 'Violet', we'd had margaritas & Mexican food then we trained back into Manhattan. I proceeded to go out to 2 or 3 other bars drinking as much as I could as searching for someone to love me, hold me, console me who knows all I knew is that usually after a few drinks the hunt was on. Most of the night is a blur, someone drove me home, somewhere around 6am...I walked into the apt I was staying in FULL of shame, guilt, fear, loneliness & terror. How could I have done this again? I had a matinee that day and while on stage I thought to myself,'What are you doing? You are finally making some positive strides in your life but you can't do them in this condition'
After that show I was going to a friends house to watch the Oscars. My drink was poured before I even walked in the door. I said my hellos, clutched my drink and sat down, put it to my lips and couldn't sip it. I set it down. I remember most of the night watching the ice melt and dilute the vodka, watching the condensation on the glass slowly dry up as it got tepid & then warm. I was filled with terror again...I knew I couldn't pick up that drink, but I didn't know how not to. The next day I was on the phone to my friend Brad who only recently had told me he'd joined AA.

I often think of that moment as a crack in the door to my spirituality, Surrender started something beautiful. I feel that my life now is made up of many of these spiritual experiences, and that it's not just one that ha helped me to recover. I think that it's so vital for we alcoholics to have a spiritual experience so that we in turn can then live life and & experience it spiritually.

The second thing I thought of I'll post tomorrow as this is long enough already!

Today I am grateful for a wonderful day
I am grateful that my besties we're introduced to Christopher
I am grateful that I for introduced to his friends
I am grateful that I no longer have gripping fear when it comes to meeting new people
I am grateful for a random run in with my friend Jeff
I am grateful to have been able to share some of my story with Christopher today and that he in turned shared some of his.
I am grateful that neither of us pulled away or shut down
I am grateful to be sober
I am grateful that I choose to live spiritually

Friday, February 12, 2010

Pacencia y Fe

I had the GREAT fortune to get to see 'In the Heights' again last night.

There's a beautiful song in the first act called Pacencia y Fe (Patience and Faith)

I mean really isn't that what it's all about. Faith that I'm exactly where I need to be, and patience that if I stay in faith I'll be lifted to unimaginable levels?
At least for that's what it's about. Today.

I am grateful for being able to see that show for free last night
I am grateful for the the tears that came easily to my eyes
I am grateful to be able to feel & acknowledge & relate
I am grateful for a peacful night's rest
I am grateful for the beautiful boquet of roses I received today (Thanks Chris)
I am grateful to be here, right now, in this moment, in this life which is mine.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

And in other Happy News & for your readin pleasure

My Boyfriend has restarted his blog. Feel free to give it a glance.

We're also starting a movie review blog Here that we hope to get a jump on this weekend!

Shame Shame Shame

UGH! It starts with the first step right - I AM POWERLESS OVER MONEY & SPENDING

I'm putting this in a public arena so that I don't HIDE. Being rigorously honest, I bounced a check yesterday. It filled/fills me with shame a HUGE amount of shame. Shame is a feeling I used to constantly live with before I got sober. I could never do anything right, or live up to the expectations I made for myself as unrealistic as they were. It was also the MOST over-powering feeling the morning after, after those night where I SWORE I wouldn't drink like that, which inevitably I would, which would lead me to situations & places I should not have been in, which would them lead to MORE drinking to kill that shame, which of course it never did. We all know that cycle.

Nowadays, for me shame leads to picking up that huge & heavy bat and starting to beat myself with it. I'm proud to say I didn't do it nearly as much as I used to. More proud though that I've reached THAT point. The point where I really look at these actions and say OK, what can I do different? How can I be more disciplined?

I think a huge part of it is my own impulses on things like coffee (that Starbucks adds up QUICK) and I also need to learn my limits. It's hard in this city - always something to do, people to see, brunch, lunch, coffee, dinner. I will work on these things!

I am grateful today for learning lessons
I am grateful for ALL the comments I got on my previous post & that I can welcome new friends into my world
I am grateful I got to see 'The Phantom of the Opera' last night - for free!
I am grateful that I'm going to a meeting tonight
I am grateful for the ability to show up at work
I am grateful to have the job(s) I have.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

100th Post!!!!

OMG - I reached 100 - what a short trip! In honor of this, here is 100 things that I am grateful for today - in no particular order:
1. My Sobriety - 1,079 DAYS!
2. That I've started to be restored to sanity
3. A Daily reprieve
4. having a solution in my life
5. Having possibility in my life
6. Having Hope
7. My Mom - a pillar of light, strength & a great source of humor
8. My Brother, Nick - the perfect example of a big brother, guiding, honest, hysterical
9. My Sister, Katie - her humor, friendship & support
10. My Father who continues to guide my path
11. For my Sponsor, Chris, who guides me, holds me accountable & thinks 'it's cute'
12. For my Sponsee, Dan, who teaches me more & more everyday
13. For the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous especially the 'Rainbow Room' and 46Th St. clubhouse
14. For the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous & the guidance they provide
15. that I can benefit from other's experiences & guide through my own
16. that less & less I feel the need to understand it all
17. that I trust in a higher power which I choose to call god
18. that my faith in god grows daily
19. that no matter what I am always take care of
20. for the ability to change
21. for the patience to wait
22. for feeling I no longer need to hide
23. for being proud of who I am and who I am striving to be
24. for marking my growth based on me, not on anyone else
25. for the ability to forgive
26. for the ability to let go
27. that I am trusted to be responsible
28. for entering a new decade of my life & being excited about it
29. for the gift of music
30. for my god-given talent of song
31. that I am able to sing, play piano & violin
32. that I consider myself an actor
33. that I can continue to learn
34. that I like challenges
35. that I like growing
36. that I judge less
37. that I can go with the flow
38. that I can LOVE
39. for the true friends in my life
40. to feel a part of something
41. for the ones that came before and the ones that will come after in all facets of my life - all with something I can learn
42. for my Grandma Mc Dougal who has loved me no matter what
43. for the Ritz family
44. for the McDougal family
45. for the numerous babies I get to hold
46. for the desire to be a father
47. for the desire to be a husband
48. for chocolate
49. for sex
50. for IntenSati!
51. for knowing that I can co-create my life
52. for being clear
53. for being & embracing the fact that I am a work in progress
54. for online recovery blogs
55. for my Eskimo: Brad
56. for Michael, Brian & Brad who first introduced me to fellowship
57. for the abundance of AA meetings in NYC
58. for the meetings I get to go to when I am out of town
59. for Musical Theatre
60. that I can pursue what I love in this great big city
61. that the results come if I do the work
62. for the daily gratitude list I receive and send - Thank you: Ben, Laura, John-Andrew, Steven, Joel, Michael & Bill!
63. for a day job that pays my bills and isn't CRAZY stressful
64. for learning to set boundaries
65. for sometimes being able to glimpse the bigger picture
66. for green tea
67. for COFFEE
68. for gaining self-respect
69. for gaining integrity
70. for loving myself
71. for honoring every aspect of myself good & bad
72. for letting go of the things that don't work for me
73. for loving others
74. for being vulnerable
75. for being able to trust & be trusted
76. for sunshine & rain
77. for an amazing apartment
78. for roommates that are hilarious, genuine and beautiful people
79. for Pants the cat
80. for New York City and the fact the I LIVE here
81. for good nights of sleep
82. for my own little haven of a room
83. for stepping out of fear and into faith
84. for the challenges I face
85. for what's to come
86. for the knowledge that a drink or drug won't solve anything
87. for Paul
88. for Todd
89. for Justin
90. for no regrets
91. for knowing that no matter my past, I am here today. love myself today and honor the broken road that got me here
92. for Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, Laura Berman & Leann Rimes whose songs i listened to OVER and OVER when I started counting days - they carried me
93. for not WASTING my life
94. for being a vessel
95. for turning around and embracing the man I'm meant to be in this world
96. for the forming relationships
97. for caring less and less how I come off and just showing UP
98. for meeting the man of my dreams: Christopher
99. for allowing that dream to fly
100. for miracles and all the shapes & sizes in which they occur.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Feelings, nothing more than Feelings

I am grateful this morning to have seen 'what it was like' for me, right in front of my face last night - and though I'm still a bit shaken & sorting. I'm comforted by the fact that I am no longer that person
I am grateful for feeling feelings even if I they are uncomfortable
I am GRATEFUL to be sober
I am grateful for a frank discussion with my roommate last night about struggles & overcoming them
I am grateful to be at work today and of service
I am grateful a certain co-worker is NOT here :)
I am grateful to try a new meeting tonight with my sponsor

UGH - I woke this morning after a particularly interesting night with a lot of FEELINGS. Some good, mostly not so good. Things like anxiety, irrational fear, and panic. Being rigorously honest, I haven't been at a meeting since Friday which can be part of it. The other part though is I find lately I really have to walk to walk. It's liberating and scary but with each step I feel stronger, but it's that first step out where I say to myself: this is where you prove it, this is where you say to the world with your ACTIONS what you've been saying & believing in your heart and mind. BACK IT UP.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Don't quit before the Miracle

I hear this a lot.

I of course have only heard it in the rooms and thereby assigned it as a slogan for the rooms, which of course it is.

Everything I've learned in the rooms of AA I've been able to shift into my everday life. Things like listening, compassion, service, love, boundaries, humanity, honesty & integrity (this list could go on)

I love those AHA moments when I realize yet another thing AA taught me that I can apply in the real world. I had a wonderful conversation with Lindsay this past weekend at an AMAZING Intensati class and she illustrated something for me.

I've been frustrated with my day to day so she called me a souffle :)

In that, with all the postive things I do for myself they are building up & rising. I'll be able to take them out of that oven but not a minute before it's actually time. I have to practice patience, trust, & faith. and I have to remember NOT to quit before the miracle.
I am grateful for Lindspirations!
I am grateful to practice these principles in all my affairs
I am grateful for a fun afternoon at Kenny's place
I am grateful for clean laundry
I am grateful for love in my life
I am grateful that I turn away from thoughts & behaviors that don't serve me

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Dedicated to my friend Michael

and a reminder to be AWESOME!!!!

Shine Your Light on Me

I am reminded after reading the Daily reflections today of a line from the prayer of St. Francis.

'Make me an instrument of thy Peace'

I always loved this prayer growing up,more specifically the music it was set to in the church that I attended. Though I don't subscribe to that religion any longer, it was integral to establishing some core values & beliefs in me that I do honor today by being sober. I hope today to be an instrument. I'm also reminded of another song from Sunday school
'This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine'

I have been saying an affirmation for a few months now: 'I let the light God gave me shine in all that I do'.

I hope to remember these things today. I feel like this post is rambling so I'm gonna move onto Gratitude:
I am grateful for the meetings at my homegroup & the people there who don't let me off the hook - especially Greg M
I am grateful to hear someone come to a meeting yesterday even though she really wanted to stop in a bar
I am grateful for the growth I witness by sticking around
I am grateful that I can have tears in my eyes by watching a cartoon movie
I am grateful that I have friends who don't let me get down on me
I am grateful that I have friends
I am grateful for random conversations with strangers on subway trains about passion in life and it's pursuit
I am grateful that an hour from now I'll be on my way to IntenSati

Friday, February 5, 2010

I am grateful that I have a job that give me a paycheck
I am grateful that it doesn't stress me out the way it used to
I am grateful that I have a solution & a program
I am grateful that I have a friend visting from Chicago and to see the happiness on her face that she so rightly deserves
I am grateful that my plans after work consist of a meeting, possibly two
I am grateful that I'll get to see my friends show case tonight

I'm afraid I don't have much wisdom today or perhaps I'm just telling myself that. I'm tired. I've had very little sleep this week but it's been an amazing week. I find the first thing I do when tired is lose all motivation & I'm hopping up the coffee quotient to counteract that but at almost 1pm, I'm not sure that's the solution anymore.

I'm counting the hours until I can leave work and get to a meeting, I guess it's better than counting the hours until I can get to the nearest bar right?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

JUST DO IT

Whoa - what a day!

I woke this morning early, and went to an audition.

from the moment I woke up the voice started, You know you won't get seen why bother? You face is broken out they're totally gonna judge you? What makes you think you of this caliber? You don't need to get there on time.

It was literally an assault of every bad thought. I got a little caught up in listening to them, but I noticed them & despite myself put one foot in front of the other, got out the door and went to the audition.
...of course I got there and they weren't seeing Non-Union performers, so a left my headshot and said THANK YOU

The Lesson: Take the ACTION. Suit up & Show up!

I am grateful for the actions I take daily
I am grateful for the day to spend with my boyfriend
I am grateful for a day filled with new friends, old friends & a beautiful city day
I am grateful for my sobriety
I am grateful that I am no longer the mess I used to be

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Coming to Believe

Today I am grateful for an AMAZING time with my sponsee last night
I am grateful for an even more beautiful meeting, I remember the speaker counting days and then he fell under my radar till he emerged last night with over a year and a half sobriety and BLEW ME AWAY
I am grateful to have an abundance of things in my life to be grateful for
I am grateful for perspective
I am grateful that I can talk to my sponsor about my experience with being a sponsor - he's an amazing listener
I am grateful that I'm going to my new favorite Astoria meeting tonight: Front Runners

We read 'We Agnostics' last night, another chapter I usually bristle at. I quickly realized how much wisdom is truly in that chapter. It is a huge lesson for me in take what you need and leave the rest. I was particularly moved by the following passage:
"We found that God does not make too hard terms with those that seek him. To us, the realm of the spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men" - pg 46 BB 4th Edition

To have the willingness to start seeking a power greater than me was where I began. It was like trying on clothes, something I never did until I got sober. I ALWAYS bought whatever I thought would fit and would 'make it work' as they say. Wow! What a metaphor for how it was. This make me laugh.....anyway...searching for a higher power for me was and is a process of trying different things. How does this feel to me? Is it the right color? fit? shape? Does it help me face the world with my best self?
I'm constantly shifting and trying new things on for size. What helps with that is the trust that no matter how ill-fitting, or unflattering the color. I know the right thing will come along and I am loved, supported and on the right path

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Scattered

I feel scattered today

I think mostly because I want to be selfish, and where I HAVE to be today, work, meetings or otherwise is not where I WANT to be... in bed with Chris.

I keep saying Thy Will not Mine. I'm pretty sure God would prefer I come to work so I can pay my bills, rent etc.

I was proud, nervous & excited to raise my hand yesterday at a meeting & say that I'll be celebrating 3 years this month. It is something I cannot wrap my brain around so I just don't try to do so - Miracle are like that, better left unexplained.

1.) I am grateful to be in the real world today even if it's not where I WANT to be
2.) I am grateful for the Extra Large coffee that is as big as my head, for real
3.) I am grateful to be going to a meeting tonight
4.) I am grateful to have been able to attend a beautiful & fun concert at Lincoln Center last night
5.) I am grateful for gratitude lists and the people I share them with
6.) I am grateful to be sober
7.) I am grateful to have time to finish knitting before the baby shower this weekend
8.) I am grateful that I will show up for an audition this week
9.) I am grateful that I completed 6 submissions yesterday
10.)I am grateful to live in a loving household

Monday, February 1, 2010

Meetings

I am grateful that it's once again become anniversary month!
I am grateful to be sober today
I am grateful for a day off that I get to spend with my boyfriend who has just returned from FL
I am grateful for the french toast I can smell him making
I am grateful that I'll get to go to a meeting tonight, raise my hand and say 'God Willing I will have three years the end of this month'


I was thinking a lot about medicine today, and that when someone really needs it. It's there to help them stay on track and in this world. I'm not a HUGE believer in medicine especially OTC stuff or crap that just treats your symptoms - but when it is truly needed to fix something that otherwise could be harmful. Well it's a blessing.

I hear it a lot, people say that meetings are medicine. SO - if it's a daily dose I HAVAE to take to stay healthy and on the right path - well then it's just what I do. SURE I skip some now and then, it's like when I don't finish the entire round of antibiotics because I 'feel' better.

truth is. meetings are my medicine the help me to feel better. the treat my disease & help me heal so I can be a part of this world.