Sunday, January 31, 2010

A Change of Plan

I am grateful that I got to attend the anniversary meeting at my home group last night
I am grateful that I got to hear my eskimo qualify & talk about celebrating 4 years this month
I am grateful that the sun is a shining today
I am grateful that my room is clean, the dishes are done & I can get on with my day
I am grateful for the time I'll get to spend with my sponsee this afternoon
I am grateful that after 3 months, my boyfriend is returning to NYC!!

Phew.....so i had to hit save & leave my house ASAP. Whilst in the middle of writing this, my boss called, her car had been hit while it was parked (luckily no one was hurt) and she couldn't make it in to open the store.

Without hesitation or resentment. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door. I had to re-arrange meeting with my sponsee but he's amazing and understands.

So, now I'm at work clearing the end of the month cycles and happy knowing that I could show up when needed. Be depended upon and that I'm not doing all this with a wicked hangover or nasty feelings about how put upon I am. Truth is I'm not. Things happen, we adjust, I'm able to now to see that when outside myself & truly listening to others - I know what to do.

Maybe it's a hint of that promise: We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. I guess I've cracked that door :)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

That little voice in my head

Today I am grateful for a BRISK run this morning with my friend my Martin
I am grateful to be a recovering alcoholic
I am grateful to be able to show up for my exes Bday party & that we're 'all good' thanks to 8th & 9th Step
I am grateful for an AMAZING IntenSaticlass/workshop
I am grateful to be willing to explore

I had such a great time at this workshop, I've always loved IntenSati, but we coupled it with Lindsay (an AMAZING instructor) and a writing session. One of the directions she gave us was to write to the 'Bad Voice' inside us - here is my letter:

Dear Bad Voice,
Why do you always find excuses? What are you afraid of? I think you know how good I am and the potential that I have but YOU are afraid the if I tap into that, you will be silenced forever. I'm well aware of the tricky ways in which you deter me. I KNOW you're upset that I took away you're biggest power over me: Alcohol. I see the other ways now in which you fear monger my life and keep me small and thinking small. All that is changing my dear friend, day by day I know you feel it which is why I feel you fight harder. I deserve my life, I deserve my happiness, I deserve the love in my life even though you tell me I am not worthy. I AM. I know I am. There is not a doubt in my mind about that - so listen voice I know you'll probably never go away entirely but I will silence & ignore you. Because when I do (silence you), I hear, feel and LOVE my true self....so fuck off and watch me FLY
Love, Jeremy

Friday, January 29, 2010

Crazy For You

If I think everything & everyone around me is C-R-A-Z-Y! Is it just me? It's just me. I've been a scatter mind this week for sure.

I'm in a better place this morning - a much better place. I was excited (and setting expectations) about returning to NY & my NY meetings. The two I've been to since I've been back have filled me with a lot of FEELINGS(read: mostly anger)! AH!

In both I encountered some people who's sobriety I don't admire (who am I to judge?)...so much so even that I thought to myself - I don't need THIS tonight I'm outta here.
Luckily, I know that I don't always know what's best so I sat my ass down and stayed.

I spent most of the meeting(s) telling myself to just listen, just listen. So I tried. I heard A LOT of whining but underneath some of it was some solution and that is what I need. I need to hear how this program helps us save and the LIVE our lives. I need to dig deeper. Work harder. and keep doing 'the work'

I am grateful to have the willingness to work
I am grateful that nothing happens by mistake
I am grateful that sometimes I intuitivley know how to handle things, and ask when I don't
I am grateful that I have a plethora of meetings available to me in this big city
I am grateful that I don't always listen to my bad advice
I am grateful for an amazing Sati class this AM
I am grateful that I can clearly identify my desires, dreams & goals and step towards them

(after reading this I realize, I'm just like the rest of 'em - lots of whining with some solution mixed in)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

We are a Family

Another word I decided to look up was FAMILY.

I think I got more confused reading ALL those definitions. I guess the beauty of that word for me is reflected in the beauty of this program. This is one word I can define for myself.

to me FAMILY isn't who I grew up with though those people are included in my definition.

Family is unconditional compassion, mixed with love, support, togetherness, they are the people who stand by me in good & bad, hold me accountable and push me beyond myself in loving & compassionate ways. We do that for eachother. I once heard a quote "Love is committing to one another's growth" - to me that is FAMILY

I am grateful that my nuclear family falls under the umbrella of that description, I KNOW I'm very lucky that way
I am grateful that I have a family here in NYC - consisting mostly of my AA fellows, but 'normies' too - that this causes me to have a balanced life.
I am grateful for meetings that make me feel, even if it's anger & craziness
I am grateful that those feeling pass and that everything looks better in the morning
I am grateful that I got to spend some time with my roomates last night, I had missed them
I am grateful that it was snowing this morning
I am grateful that I have a job I can go to three days a week
I am grateful that I'll attend my home group tonight
I am grateful for a new mantra (Thanks Tabitha!): I turn my fears into fire
I am grateful for coffee
I am grateful that I'm one day closer to the day that Chris returns to NYC!!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It's Possible

Pardon my brief hiatus.

Monday I was unable to get on the Internet from my hotel room - can you imagine they still have plug into the wall Internet access? What's that?

I could go on forever about how amazing my trip to FL was. I am so grateful that through this program I truly believe that I can handle anything that comes way, that not only goes for the rough times in life but for the good as well. maybe even more so.

I never believed I was worthy of the good things that would come my way like love. This program has helped me see that. It's also helped me know that I can be responsible with these things, that I can handle them and that I don't need to run away from them but embrace them fully. Live with them in the moment and not worry about what might or might not happen.

I am grateful for that knowledge
I am grateful that I don't buy into what everyone else thinks
I am grateful to be back home even if it's COLD
I am grateful for the time I had, and the time that is and the time that is to be
I am grateful for a God of my understanding that I choose to call God, but could just as easily call HP, the universe or Bob.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

We shall know a new freedom

Today I am grateful that I was able to hang out with the cast of Chris's show last night
I am grateful that I am no longer gripped with fear of social situations
I am grateful that I kicked a little ass at the air hockey table :)
I am grateful that I am sober today
I am grateful that I felt no pull towards the bar last night except when I desperately needed a Cherry Coke (so good yet do bad)
I am grateful that people can't smoke indoors in NY, it's nasty
I am grateful for the song 'Gravity' by Sara Barellies

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Baggage

Today I am grateful for another beautiful day in Sarasota
I am grateful for some quiet time last night
I am grateful for my daily affirmations
I am grateful for Eva Cassidy
I am grateful for possibility
I am grateful that today I see life as an adventure instead of a chore

An interesting moment, right as I opened this to write my iPod shuffled to the song 'Baggage' by Eva Cassidy

It's gorgeous! The chorus of which is: Leave it all behind my friend release it to the wind, there's other roads to walk along and places you've never been.

I think for me today it highlights the options and choices I have now that I am sober. I can choose to carry the baggage and wreckage of my past into every relationship & situation I encounter, or I can choose to greet them with the eyes of possibility an newness, What a true gift!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Greetings from FL!!

I am grateful for some quiet time this evening while Chris is at his show
I am grateful that we went to a meeting here in Sarasota and that he joined me there
Ia m grateful for the AA rooms around the country and the beautiful hilariousness I discovered today
I am grateful that we are NOT a glum lot
I am grateful the I am more open & honest about MY experience with alcohol and sobriety

what a day! I woke up this AM in the arms of my love which of course is a wonderful way to wake up. We got ready and went to a meeting here in Sarasota. In was BEAUTIFUL full of laughter, heartbreak, love, and joy. HUMANITY

It was SO evident to me this AM how this program works. This room was filled with such a sense of compassion, love & healing. You could sense it when you walked in and to look at these folk brought up the quote 'we are men & women who would normally not mix', yet here we all we because today we didn't want to drink and knew that the putting a meeting in our day was a positive step in that direction. Thank you Oasis group of Sarasota FL - see you tomorrow!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Willingness

I love this word.

I love that I have this word and that sometimes I don't even know where it comes from it's a beautiful thing. I don't have long to write cause I decided to sleep in a little bit and have a plane to catch! I wanted to be sure I sent to gratitude out there though

I am grateful that I can get up early
I am grateful that I went to Front Runners last night
I am grateful that I got to hang out with my roommates last night who I missed terribly
I am grateful that I am heading down to FL & get to see my boyfriend!!
I am grateful that I've found meetings to go to while there
I am grateful for Love and that I can feel it - give it & receive it

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I had to - talk about FEARLESS

From Disney's Pocahontas

I am a student

I have to write this affirmation out courtesy of Lindsay

I focus on my beauty, I am fearless, I am clear. I am disciplined AND compassionate. I AM GRATEFUL I AM HERE!

It's my favorite lower body series in InteSati class yet! They keep getting better!! Nice work Linds & THANKS!!
========
Today I am grateful for an amazing Sati class, the fact that I showed up for it and the fact that I'm able to take it for free
I am grateful that I had a great conversation with my ex last night - he helps me in many ways and I'm going stop refering to him in the past as an ex and in the present as a friend
I am grateful for Judy Kuhn as Pocahontas & reminding me to look "Just Around the Riverbend" :)
I am grateful for an amazing meeting last night
I am grateful to be reminded of just how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease can be.

I am in great spirits today if even a bit tired. I've a lot to do before I leave for Florida tomorrow!! (YAY!!). I can easily focus on these tasks and do what's in front of me. My former instincts would look at this list and spin my wheels of procrastination out of fear. Instead today I can just take it easy, do things as they come to me, take action & responsibility. The phrase 'Life beyond my wildest dreams' comes to mind...when I was drinking action & responsibility were as foreign to me as japanese.

I am grateful that I am willing to keep learning!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Relapse

Today I am grateful to be sober, TRULY
I am grateful that the desire to drink isn't with me every waking moment
I am grateful that I no longer see a solution in a drink or a drug
I am grateful that I was able to see a wonderful concert last night with my bestie Paul starring: Jen Colella, Marin Mazzie, Donna Mc Kechnie & Zoe Caldwell
I am grateful that my Mom is OK after falling on the ice and suffering a broken Fibula, she still seems in good spirits!

My mind was spinning this AM. I didn't get to go to my home group last night but learned about two people within my circle who went out, and by the grace of God are back counting days.

I am grateful that they are back. I am saddened that they thought there was no other option. I pray to never be faced with the choice, to never be so far removed from the tools I now have that the only thing I see is the one thing I can't go to.

I'll be honest there have been times where I've thought even recently 'I should go out', 'what's this all for', 'maybe I can drink safely'. I'm grateful that I do not indulge these thoughts and I can realize that 9 times out of 10, my first thought isn't always accurate especially in times of stress & sadness.

I keep it simple and bring it back to actions: Pray. Talk. Go to Meetings. Meditate. Wait. Listen. Smile. Breathe.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Well Good Morning!

This morning I am grateful from my friend John-Andrew with whom I share daily affirmations, this morning especially brought huge smiles to my face & warmth to my heart
I am grateful that it's Monday, I used to fear them but now embrace them as just another day
I am grateful that I have one day left dog-sitting, I love the budster but I miss my bed, my apt & my roommates
I am grateful to have choices & options today and the knowledge that I can take a risk, succeed or fail and still be supported & taken care of.
I am grateful that today I choose recovery & have enough self-awareness to realize when I'm off center

Where am I today? Improving - I can't seem to get enough of meetings lately which I guess is a good thing and something not to be taken for granted. I've also had some treasured conversations with people in the program both newcomers and old timers. It really is ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

De-FUNK'D

This afternoon, I am grateul for so much.

I am grateful for the amazing meeting last night. I needed to hear myself say the words:'I am Jeremy and I am an alcoholic'.
I am grateful for every share in that room - each of them taught me something I needed to hear yesterday
I am grateful for August Gold's talk on Step 1.
I am grateful for the decision I made to turn it over, and the reminders about that decision.
I am grateful to be sober today

It's been a weird couple of days. It's amazing how sometimes I don't even realize I'm in a downward spiral til I'm IN it. I haven't quite felt myself and in journeying in trying to find out WHY, I've become insanely self-obsessed & absorbed...surprise. Today I will focus on getting more outside myself regardless of how I FEEL, take the action. Make someone ELSE feel loved & listened to. Smile. I believe that is where healing can start with a smile.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Blah

I have been staring at this text box on & off all morning...

I had an interesting last 24 hours...kinda a lot of lonliness for some reason which is weird because I didn't even really isolate that much though I sometimes marvel at the fact that I can isolate or rather not be completely present even amongst friends - it's something I'm working on.

I'm at work today. It's pretty mundane. I feel like I'm doing better today than yesterday but I sometimes just find myself in 'it' and don't know how or why I'm there or how or why to get out. I even took myself to a second meeting yesterday and felt a little bit better.

I don't really know what else to write but I promised myself I'd write everyday.

SO:
Today I am grateful for the sun shining down on NY today
I am grateful that I have work
I am grateful that I have dinner plans tonight with my Fire Island boys
I am grateful that I'll get a meeting in between
I am grateful for Buddy the pug and his cuddly moments

Friday, January 15, 2010

Man of Action!

I had an AMAZING Sati class this morning despite some killer shin splints that I did my best to work through/with.

I was keyed into the word ACTION today. Being a man of action! Aligning my words with my actions breathing integrity into my life.

My Father always said keeping my integrity is important as a man in this world. I find in funny how more and more I hear his words echo in my ear as I grow into the man I was meant to be - a lot more like him than I care to realize or admit sometimes.

I mentioned at a meeting the other night how I really feel for 27 years of my life I spent most of my time, energy and resources hiding myself, afraid of all that I am blessed with. Sobriety has given me that appreciation back and bit by bit, step by step, day by day I reclaim that boy, man, god-given self. I'm proud. I own it. I celebrate it!

I'm grateful for the song 'Sweet Liberty' from the musical 'Jane Eyre'
I'm grateful for the opportunity to take an AMAZING Sati class this morning
I'm grateful that I embrace ACTION
I'm grateful for this pug in my lap even if he's a bit in the way
I'm grateful that i have a few plans today but nothing extravagant and it inculdes a meeting & hanging out with other alcholics

Leaving some prayers for my friend Ryan

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Purpose



Today I am grateful that I don't know it all and have no desire to
I am grateful that I get to spend the next 5 days as a dog owner (Buddy - pictured aboe)
I am grateful that people trust me with their pets
I am grateful for Carrie Underwood esp 'Wasted', Jesus, Take the Wheel', and 'Mama's Song'
I am grateful that today I took it easy

I attended a meeting at my home group tonight. It was great to see familiar and new faces. The speaker brought something up I've been thinking about a lot lately. AUTHORSHIP

In Intensati we open our class with 'Every day in a very true way, I Co-create my reality'. I love that phrase and it came clammoring back into my head tonight after listening to this man say that word: Authorship.

The beauty is today I can really have what I desire in life, if I intend it and if it comes from listening to that voice inside me. A voice that is not mine but is what I consider God. When all is quiet and sometimes for a few moments I can hear him gently guiding my path. I adore being sober for this very reason.

Also - trusting this voice and really just doing the work in front of me allows me to relax and enjoy life and not really worry about WHERE it's going but trusting that I am exactly where I am supposed to be every second of every day

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It's there if we want it

My Gratitude for today:
I am grateful for an AMAZING BLOW MY MIND Intensati Class this AM
I am grateful for a great talk with my brother last night
I am grateful for Herman Melville
I am grateful for the opportunity to qualify tonight to remember what it was like, what did happen and I love reflecting on what it's like now
I am grateful to be sober.

I adore the synchronicity of life, especially when I can see it. A friend told me today how she had the courage to let go of a relationship that she felt strongly about but at her core knew, it wasn't THE one and that the standard she held someone can match. I couldnt' help but think it wasn't long ago I had the same realization. No sooner had I made the decision to accept what I deserved, did it come walking into my life in the most amazing way. When you let go, you open up to receieve

Letting Go. The beauty of it.

I have started reading for the first time Herman Melville's 'Moby Dick'. I finished reading the chapter called: 'The Sermon' in which Melville quotes from the book of Jonah:
"In black distress, I called my God, When I could scarce believe him mine, He bowed his ear to my complaints - No more the whale did confine me"

I, of course see the Whale as addiction at least in the way in which Melville portrays it in this chapter and am very moved by the 'black distress' because I've FELT that before, those dark days before grace stepped into my life unacknowledged and unseen but present. Gently guiding me.

Letting GO. Handing Over. The Beauty of that.

Thirdly as I left Sati class this AM I hit shuffle on my iPod and up popped the song in fabulous remixed form: Answer by Sarah McLachlan, the first phrases to that are:
'I Will Be the Answer, at the end of the line'

Indeed

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What is up?

I told myself I would update this blog a MINIMUM of once a week this year but every time I go to do so a little voice says: You've nothing to say, and I succumb.

SO - I'm challenging myself. EVERY DAY for 30 days. I will share my gratitude lists which I already write anyways and then what ever else comes up.

Where I am this today.
I got on the scale at the gym the other day (something I rarely if ever do) and saw a number I've NEVER seen before and not in a good way. I would never call myself fat or overweight, but I realized my eating, work out and general care of myself has fallen off in the last few months.

What I'm doing to change it: Sati at least once a week. Gym every day (I've started a new workout regimen too), and I'm trying to get back to running once a week

Meetings: I have for a while I feel been burnt out on my regular meetings and while I realize the importance of a home group, I think too for me it's a challenge to go to other meetings, push through my fear and say hello! So for this 'semester', I switching it up, trying some new places, including a meeting closer to home and a HUGE Men's meeting which I find completely intimidating but hey - we never grow when we're comfortable right?