Some thoughts

Today is the day I dread all year, it marks the 5 year anniversary of my Father's passing. It's a day usually full of a lot of 'stuff' to sort out emotionally and so far each year has been quite different.

I miss my Dad every day.

I think it not at all a coincidence that given this time of year and my recent struggles with faith that I've finally started reading 'The Shack' by Wm. Paul Young. Its the story of a man who meets God and gets to ask the questions we all want to I guess

A noteable passage: 'something that makes sense only if you can see the bigger picture of reality. Maybe that is where faith fits in.'

I think right now I can't glimpse that bigger picture so as sad and angry as I've been with recent happenings, I have to have faith in the bigger picture.

Another realization I had this past week is that I cannot WAIT to be a Dad. I was holding my cousins baby who is 4 months old and was named after my Uncle Tim who passed away - i held that baby and the circle that is life became abundantly clear. It also pulled on this need in myself to have a child. Not tomorrow clearly but in the future it is something I want.

Really? I mean really

I was raised Roman Catholic. My idea of God from a young child up through my middle teen years was a God who was nice to you if you did the right things, but if you didn't he was vengeful and angry.

When I was 15 and realized I was gay I thought, well there are too many bad things stacked up against me for God to love me so who need him anyway, and I turned my back...for another twelve years I walked further and further away.

When I entered AA we discussed this concept of a God of my understanding. My eyes were open to the fact that the God I grew up with didn't have to be the God I envisioned today. Slowly, I turned around and walked toward a loving power of my own creation who only wants what is best for me and whom I can trust...I slowly started to build faith and over the last two and a half years it's grown & blossomed. I am grateful for that

I know that 'Why?' is not a faithful question

Last night though after my Uncle's funeral, I went back in the church. It was Me and God, i knelt down - stared at the cross and said - WHY?

Why is it that good men like my Uncle and my Father who's one purpose in life it seemed was to be there for other people, get taken away. So we appreciate it? So we learn to do the same?

I get it- I get that lesson - my other WHY? Is why make it SO painful for the ones we lose. My Uncle & Father both died of cancer. They each fought long & hard for over a year. Does that make the lesson more valuable I mean really - what the fuck?

Today - I don't know where I stand. I can't reconcile the God I've envisioned over the last two years with the same that would let two strong and powerful men go through what they did just to get to him.

RIP Coach (Uncle) Tim

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO:

Cancer cannot cripple love
Cancer cannot shatter hope
Cancer cannot corrode faith
Cancer cannot supress memories
Cancer cannot silence courage
Cancer cannot steal eternal life
Cancer cannot conquer the spirit
Cancer cannot kill friendship
Cancer cannot destroy peace
Cancer cannot invade the soul.

Fair vs. Unfair

I would ALWAYS whine growing up that 'this wasn't fair'

My parents in their infinte wisdom would say - 'Life isn't fair'

Truth of the matter is, life isn't about fair or unfair. If life were fair I'd either be dead, in prison or in an institution - that I firmly believe. If life were fair I wouldn't have a job, an apartment, friends, family, love or serenity.

The other reason I know that life isn't fair is that my uncle is dying. He suffers from cancer (the same type my Dad died from), they don't think he'll last the week (my Dad also died in September). Luckily he's surrounded by a family that loves him dearly.

I can't help feeling that I'm in the same spot again. Watching this horrible disease pummel a once strong & vibrant man. Clutching the phone and hearing the pain in my mother & sisters voices, who are once again there in person to wtiness like they were for my father. The only difference is that this time I'm sober so I get to choose to do something different. The outcome won't change but what can I do to help from half way across the country. It's painful and surreal.

I trust in God and I know that there is a bigger plan involved here - that doesn't mean I'm not angry, sad and wondering WTF every other second.

I am blessed

Today will be day three of rehearsal for this new show I'm working on.

HURRICANE

I literally got chills yesterday during our rehearsal. We staged the first number and it was beautiful!!

After rehearsal I was lucky enough to be able to join one of my fellows & celebrate his 1 year anniversary. What a gift to be able to watch him grow!

I feel like right now my priorites are rehearsals and meetings and that my life is pretty balanced.

Too bad for work - not a priority