Serene, I was not

I have to laugh at myself sometimes.

Yesterday I got my rehearsal schedule for an upcoming show that I am SO incredibly blessed & excited to be a part of.

Upon receiving it I realized that it takes up most of my working day job hours. I also blessed with an incredibly amazing job that will give me the flexibility to pursue the dreams that were planted in my heart

Regardless of all that I freaked out yesterday trying to 'figure it out' (which is always a fruitless venture), and down the spiral slide of angst, worry & fear I plummetted...knowingly.

I had a great conversation with a fellow (and ex) who simply told me that I wouldn't have this opportunity if I wasn't going to be taken care of and have my needs provided for - after all isn't that step 3 right there in the present?

A Step Closer

Something said in a meeting yesterday hit me in such a profound way, that I of course have to share.

ps - Scott, I'm on Day 4 of my listening practice.

A fellow shared a story he'd heard from Marianne Williamson. It's the story of a 3yr old boy who over the baby monitor was heard in his new brother's room saying:
"Can you please tell me about God? I'm starting to forget"

The fellow went on to say how we spent most of our lives stepping further and further away from God and what we were created for. A path that only gets more treacherous when we've picked up a substance

It made me think of the little things that I do each day to show faith. In doing those little things I start to close the gap between God & myself, improving that contact and recovering what I am meant to be, what I am made for. I have no definition of what that is supposed to be, but I trust & have faith that if I stay on this path all will be well.

A Way Back to Then

My iPod has wisely played Godspell (2000 OBC) this morning and it has taken me BACK!

I was in this show the summer of 1998, I will NEVER forget that show. It was one of those experiences that I was transcended, in fact the whole cast was.

It wasn't any one persons show - it truly was an ensemble. We were whole together and it was the only way the show worked. The directors did amazing work with us as actors, bonding us, letting us create and really pour ourselves into these representations of ourselves.

I can distinctly rehearsing 'All Good Gifts' which was my song in the show. I was timid and full of fear about singing over a G,(the song goes to an A).
The music director looked me in the eyes and said 'Go For It' and suddenly there it was a step out in faith followed by the chorus underneath me. It was magical for me, a feeling and moment I was able to direct outward when we did the show.

The other memory I have from that was the song 'By My Side'. We'd spent most of the show on stage having fun & enjoying eachother until this song. When we turn our backs on one of the members. I can still remember how painful that felt, because it felt like we were doing it to her.

They were such powerful moments. A good reminder that good theatre is built on relationships. Between actors, directors and the audience. I think there in lies the truth and beauty of the craft called acting.

It also reminds me of a time that I wasn't remotely self-concious about singing, acting and the like - unafraid, unencumbered & free...to find a way back to then

Where I Am

I don't have any huge revelations to divulge so I thought I'd jot down where I am today.

physically, I'm at work. Mildly resenting the fact that I have to cover the reception desk the next few days but grateful to have a job and income.

Speaking of income, I've decided being that I've never been good at it to start taking responsiblity for my finances. Baby steps. I'm taking to writing down every day what I spend. I belong to mint.com, but I think I need the practice of DOING to really start to get a handle on it.

I keep seeing the slogan: 'Take responsibility for every area of your life'.

Sobriety-wise - my meetings have been hit or miss. I'm also resisting the urge to speak and really practicing listening. I realize I don't do that well, I'm always thinking of how to respond or what I can add - it makes me feel painfully ego-centric.

I don't have all the answers

Addiction

Courtesy of Fox & So You Think You Can Dance