Love Letter

Who would have thought that after more than 10 years I'd still be in love?

Truthfully, We've been together for 10 years but our love affair started years before that when I was a tiny boy growing up in rural upstate New York.

Though I sometimes take it for granted, there are moments when I fall completely head over heels again and it all feels new & different. It's the longest love affair I've ever had.

Last night was one of these moments. I was working at 7 World Trade Center, the 45th Floor. The views of the city where breathtaking & beautiful. God even decided to indulge me & paint a glorious sunset that relflected off the Hudson. Once night had fallen I had trouble deciding which was the more beautiful, New York at night or New York by day.

I looked down to the footprint of the Twin Towers, and thought: "God, NY you've been through so much", then thought the same about myself. My eyes slowly moving across the vast emptiness and focusing on the Trinity Church. The history spanning back centuries and that through it all, we carry on.

I left work at around 12:30a, glanced up through the canyons of buildings surrounding me. It was peaceful & almost quiet (well as quiet as it can be in NY) but dampered. I stared straight up like a tourist, through the lights and had glimpses of little wispy lavender colored clouds against the midnight blue sky. I was struck with a strange sense of belonging even though I was entirely alone, I felt connected. The street, the lights, the city were all mine for a moment and I was theirs.

You've done it again New York, put a little more into the flame of my love for you which was already burning bright.

Thoughts for your weekend

One of the panelists on the beginners panel shared a prayer with me last week that I LOVE and wanted to share it here:

A Sioux Prayer - translated by Chief Yellow Lark

Oh, Great spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds
Whose breath gives life to the world, hear me
I come to you as one of your many children
I am small and weak
I need your strength and wisdom

May I walk in beauty
Make my eyes ever behold the red & purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made
And my ears sharp to your voice.
Make me wise so that I may know the things you have taught your children.

The lessons you have written in every leaf & rock

Make me strong -!
Not to be superior to my brothers, but to fight my greatest enemy...
myself

Make me ever ready to come to you with straight eyes, So that when life fades as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame.

The Cart Before the Horse

I found my wedding song this morning:

'For Once in My Life' - Gladys Knight


Now to find an appropriate husband!

Whoa Resentment City

I had the strangest experience yesterday - I woke full of anger towards myself, all the things I didn't do because I was too busy drinking were staring me in the face - I REALLY resented being an alcoholic and the choices I made (or didn't).

This morning I think the answer really is acceptance. I keep repeating that quote: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" - pg 83 - AA Big Book.

I'm also hearing "It's OK to look back but don't stare. I'm simply finding that hard to not do.

I guess I know what topic I'm speaking on at my beginners meeting tonight :)

Wishing you all a wonderful Monday!

I'm ready now

I had an interesting couple of conversations the over the last few days that has led me to think about some things.

I've been saying since the end of my last relationship things like:
"I'm not ready"
"I just want to be casual"


It's occurred to me that in dating some of the guys I've 'dated' since then, that maybe I'm just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Not to say that ANY of these guys aren't amazing in and of themselves cause, well to be completely egotistical I wouldn't waste my time with guys who aren't.

Anyway - in these conversations the things people said to me have rolled & knocked around in my head:
"Don't tell yourself you don't have time and aren't ready, cause one day you'll wake up and be 42 and wonder what happened"

"You can't be afraid to ride the rollercoaster - just get on and go"

I guess it's true really. I believe firmly that I am safe in this universe, so why not take that risk. I have no problems cutting down my hours, pay etc & pursuing a dream. Well why not take the risk to really date someone & have the experience.
There's also a line in the play I'm working on for class ('The Stonewater Rapture' by Doug Wright)
"But I do know one thing. It's normal to want to be held. And sometimes, skin is just skin, no matter who's wearing it. It feels good next to itself for a reason."

I want that connection

A Blank Piece of Paper

I've spent my morning listening to Sondheims: 'Sunday In the Park With George'.

And struck again, as most times by the very last line of the show:

"White. A blank page of canvas. His favorite. So many possibilities..."

I try so hard to view each day as just this, a blank piece of paper & strive to take values of good and bad out of the equation. It's hard, just plain hard.

In this new chapter of my life, I get to start a new page tonight! I'm taking an acting class for the first time in almost 10 years. I'm excited, scared, nervous, insecure and thrilled.

I just need to remember that it too is a blank piece of paper and to remember not to fear the opportunity that presents.