It's written from a straight female's perpsective which I thought interesting and valueable.
I, myself was in a polyamourous relationship (with two other men) for a brief time. I feel really that though it had it's problems it really was a supportive, loving enviroment. In fact, I don't think I've felt that loved & supported since - not sure what that's about. I mean I blame myself a bit too for not allowing people to love & support me in that way.
I'm not really sure where this entry is going, I guess I just thought it interesting to read a straight woman's prepsective on it.
These last few weeks were challenging and now I feel a bit of reprieve. On Friday I gave notice at my job (where I've been the last 11 1/2 years). It's the longest relationship I've ever had. There was A LOT of feelings surrounding this decision but it was something I'd thought about for a very long time.
The counter offered with going part-time. I accpeted and yesterday we spent the day hashing out how to make that work.
I surprised myself by really going in with no expectations. Stating what I thought would work and being open to the discussion of it all. These are things that two years ago would not have occured to me in any way.
I've never felt more loved and supported and for that I am grateful
So - music gets to me, or rather reaches down deep inside me - i feel it in my core it's a part of me.
I heard this song for the first time today (though I think it's been around a while) It sums up perfectly how I feel about this spiritual program called AA and most specifically the people in the meetings I go to, meet online or are just there keeping it alive one day at a time:
Every Day - Rascal Flats You could've bowed out gracefully But you didn't You knew enough to know To leave well enough alone But you wouldn't I drive myself crazy Tryin' to stay out of my own way The messes that I make But my secrets are so safe The only one who gets me Yeah, you get me It's amazing to me
[CHORUS] How every day Every day, every day You save my life
I come around all broken down and Crowded out And you're comfort Sometimes the place I go Is so deep and dark and desperate I don't know, I don't know
[Repeat Chorus]
Sometimes I swear, I don't know if I'm comin' or goin' But you always say something Without even knowin' That I'm hangin' on to your words With all of my might and it's alright Yeah, I'm alright for one more night- Every day Every day, every day, every day Every day, every day You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh Every day Every, every, every day-
I spent a lot of yesterday worried about my future and what path to take. I was talking with a bunch of fellows after the meeting, trying to get an idea of how to write a resignation letter.
It was amusing because EVERYONE had an opinion not ONLY on how to write the letter but also on the choices I was/am making etc.
I was reminded of a line from my favorite poem: 'The Journey' by Mary Oliver
The Journey
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save.
In the end, I realize this is between me & God and that no matter what I decide I am divinely guided & supported.
I feel this weight on my chest lately - for the sake of being honest, let's call it fear.
It's heavy & daunting.
I have moments when I throw it to one who can handle it, but more and more I take it back because it's comfortable.
I'm in the process of making a huge change in my life and I feel, like I'm starting over again and I guess in a way I am but all those things I thought I'd learned, I find - well I've still work to do.
Pray, ask for help, be OK not knowing, trust & have faith that I am divinely guided.
I adore this song my Joni Mitchell. I indentify with it so closely.
I feel I'm to busy being free but happy too
"And she thinks she loves them all There's the one who's thinking of herThere's the one who sometimes calls There's the one who writes her lettersWith his facts and figures scrawl She has brought them to her senses They have laughed inside her laughter Now she rallies her defenses For she fears that one will ask herFor eternityAnd she's so busy being free"
I just re-read my last post and can't believe the strides made in a few short days - I feel 200% better and the key was service really.
Friday I ran to an anniversary meeting to get some gratitude before speaking at another meeting later that evening. I prayed to be of service and remain an open channel through which God could speak. It was a beautiful meeting and it had nothing to do with me which was perhaps the most beautiful thing of all.
Saturday I volunteered at a single mothers & kids shelter on the lower east side. My heart was SO full. We painted faces, decorated crowns and sang Beyonce! What fun! I can't wait to do it again. I went to the anniversary meeting at my home group - what a beautiful thing to be able to note the change and shift in others. From dire seriousness to beaming in just 90 days - unbeliveable.
Super Bowl Sunday! I went for a 5 mile run in the park - a GOREGOUS day for it. Then upstate with some fellows to enjoy the game on the BIGGEST TV ever! surrounded by kids, family & all sorts of straight football types. The best thing, I didn't once feel out of place & am so glad my family was raised on football
