Thursday, February 26, 2009

2 Years

2 Years ago today, I walked into a meeting and identified myself as an alcoholic.

I am grateful today that I had willingness that was given to me by a higher power to just keep coming.

I was listening to 'Rent' on my way in this morning - and for the first time heard the final lyrics in a whole new way:

"No day but today" (overlaps with) "I'd die without you"

These are the things I know and have learned through AA, today is all I have and I'd be dead if I didn't have a place to go.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Big Lovin

So - this past weekend I watched my first episode ever of 'Big Love'.

I thought it was interesting, and will probably throw the earlier seasons on my netflix so I can watch it from the beginning.

Anyway, TODAY, I read this article Bigger Love

It's written from a straight female's perpsective which I thought interesting and valueable.

I, myself was in a polyamourous relationship (with two other men) for a brief time. I feel really that though it had it's problems it really was a supportive, loving enviroment. In fact, I don't think I've felt that loved & supported since - not sure what that's about. I mean I blame myself a bit too for not allowing people to love & support me in that way.

I'm not really sure where this entry is going, I guess I just thought it interesting to read a straight woman's prepsective on it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thank you

I just have to take a moment and say thanks.

These last few weeks were challenging and now I feel a bit of reprieve. On Friday I gave notice at my job (where I've been the last 11 1/2 years). It's the longest relationship I've ever had. There was A LOT of feelings surrounding this decision but it was something I'd thought about for a very long time.

The counter offered with going part-time. I accpeted and yesterday we spent the day hashing out how to make that work.

I surprised myself by really going in with no expectations. Stating what I thought would work and being open to the discussion of it all. These are things that two years ago would not have occured to me in any way.

I've never felt more loved and supported and for that I am grateful

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Every Day

So - music gets to me, or rather reaches down deep inside me - i feel it in my core it's a part of me.

I heard this song for the first time today (though I think it's been around a while)
It sums up perfectly how I feel about this spiritual program called AA and most specifically the people in the meetings I go to, meet online or are just there keeping it alive one day at a time:

Every Day - Rascal Flats
You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

[Repeat Chorus]

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-

Every day you save my life

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Funny Thing

I spent a lot of yesterday worried about my future and what path to take. I was talking with a bunch of fellows after the meeting, trying to get an idea of how to write a resignation letter.

It was amusing because EVERYONE had an opinion not ONLY on how to write the letter but also on the choices I was/am making etc.

I was reminded of a line from my favorite poem: 'The Journey' by Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

In the end, I realize this is between me & God and that no matter what I decide I am divinely guided & supported.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Songs I'll Never Sing

well maybe not NEVER, but I find it rare I'd be cast as the Billy Bigelow in Carousel.

even so, 'Soliloquy' is one of the greatest songs. Here's John Raitt on the Ed Sullivan Show doing it:

Are You There?'s me Jeremy

I feel this weight on my chest lately - for the sake of being honest, let's call it fear.

It's heavy & daunting.

I have moments when I throw it to one who can handle it, but more and more I take it back because it's comfortable.

I'm in the process of making a huge change in my life and I feel, like I'm starting over again and I guess in a way I am but all those things I thought I'd learned, I find - well I've still work to do.

Pray, ask for help, be OK not knowing, trust & have faith that I am divinely guided.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Cactus Tree

I adore this song my Joni Mitchell. I indentify with it so closely.

I feel I'm to busy being free but happy too

"And she thinks she loves them all There's the one who's thinking of herThere's the one who sometimes calls There's the one who writes her lettersWith his facts and figures scrawl She has brought them to her senses They have laughed inside her laughter Now she rallies her defenses For she fears that one will ask herFor eternityAnd she's so busy being free"

Monday, February 2, 2009

The difference is

I just re-read my last post and can't believe the strides made in a few short days - I feel 200% better and the key was service really.

Friday I ran to an anniversary meeting to get some gratitude before speaking at another meeting later that evening. I prayed to be of service and remain an open channel through which God could speak. It was a beautiful meeting and it had nothing to do with me which was perhaps the most beautiful thing of all.

Saturday I volunteered at a single mothers & kids shelter on the lower east side. My heart was SO full. We painted faces, decorated crowns and sang Beyonce! What fun! I can't wait to do it again. I went to the anniversary meeting at my home group - what a beautiful thing to be able to note the change and shift in others. From dire seriousness to beaming in just 90 days - unbeliveable.

Super Bowl Sunday! I went for a 5 mile run in the park - a GOREGOUS day for it. Then upstate with some fellows to enjoy the game on the BIGGEST TV ever! surrounded by kids, family & all sorts of straight football types. The best thing, I didn't once feel out of place & am so glad my family was raised on football