Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

I keep hearing 'I can't WAIT for this year to be over'!

Looking back, I don't really think that 2009 was all that bad. In fact when I reflect on the growth and good things that have come into my life over the past year, it was pretty damn good.

I'd like to leave some gratitude for: the rooms and people of Alcoholics Anonymous, Working part time, pursuing my dream step by step, being supported financially & creatively through my own contributions, for trusting more, for Fire Island, relationships big and small and being less afraid of them, for taking myself and life less seriously, the 'Hurricane', for 30 damn amazing years on this earth, sometimes seeing the bigger picture, SATI, daily affirmations & gratitude lists, fellowship in program, at work and in life. LOVE and being able to give and receive it freely. for my family. the lessons about the cycle of life & death. for imperfections and the beauty that they are. for a God I understand as all love, all encompassing and big enough to handle anything I've got. and finally for Christopher who is easily turning about to be the love of my life.

If I can only go up from here I cannot WAIT to see what 2010 has in store!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Authenticity

Lately I've been a dictionary fanatic. Mostly on words, I've always 'known' the meaning of but it occurs to me to look them up, solidify it so there's no questions or vagueness.

I've done this recently with words like: faith, trust, love, calibrate, and authentic

I heard a qualification last night in which the giver mentioned how great a gift it is that we can continue to know ourselves and really be our own authentic self.

While I admit figuring out who that is is a work in progress, I decided to look up it's definition:

Authentic: –adjective
1. not false or copied; genuine; real:
2. having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified:
3. entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy
4. Law. executed with all due formalities
5. Music. a. (of a church mode) having a range extending from the final to the octave above. Compare plagal.
b. (of a cadence) consisting of a dominant harmony followed by a tonic.

When I honor who I truly am, I honor that which created me on this earth. I hope every day to be authentic to the person I'm destined to be and already am.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Stunning. Baffling. Powerful

I bought a t-shirt that said that at the round up last night. So funny.

I had a great time last night, I did service at coat check and got to talk to a lot of my AA friends, and even some I didn't know. It was a really cool experience to know people's names and smile at them

I've been very concious lately in trying a new approach with people, dropping judgement, smiling and being nice no matter what. It seems to work, it's a tricky thing here in the city - people don't expect niceness most of the time so it's fun to surprise them.

Anyway - I read this passage in the book I'm reading (Eat.Pray.Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert) and it says:
"You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight"

This is an attitude I can fully support and work with on a day to day basis. It's almost an adventure, finding the beauty in life. When I stop and take the moment to do so, I realize it's all around me.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Affirmations!!

I've been affirming on the phone with one my friends for the past two weeks, it's been great.

It was suggested to me that I write down my top 3 for today and focus on them, so since I don't have my actual journal with me, I thought I'd write them here:

1.) I am an actor and work as one

2.) I let my God given light shine in all that I do

3.) I set fear dwon and live in faith now!

Thanks for the suggestion Lindsay!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thank you

I sit here in gratitude every day.

I just finished leaving my friend Paul a message. I thanked him for the difference he makes in my life, and threw down the challenge/reminder that he can make a difference today.

And THEN, God stepped in and threw down the challenge to me: Put your money where your mouth is.

I have this co-worker who constantly tests every good bone in my body. Even when she's not here she drives me nuts with the things she doesn't do that I have to clean up.

Anyway - Today is the day I can do something different. Try to make a difference in her day and really alter the way I treat someone. It starts with me and it starts today.

I owe it all to sobriety to that I say - Thanks!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wearing it on my sleeve

I've been pondering my openness a lot lately.

I was in a traditions meeting (which I usually avoid) but it was tradition 11:
"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films."

What sticks with me is the attratcion rather than promotion. I certainly no that no good will come if I walk around like come kind of braggart talking about all the GOOD AA has done me, I need to be a man of action. I need to remember and believe that my actions will speak volumes over any words that I speak.

That being said, I feel like I need to be more open about being in AA. I've had a few conversations and interactions recently where I feel I was given the opportunity to be open and I chose to be evasive and general. I forget how HARD it was/is to ask for help, especially when you're not even sure what to ask for.

I will pray to be more vigilant and less afraid of sharing myself with others.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Who Am I?

Thanks to Scott for posting this quote which is thought was apropos:

"We have every reason to look forward into the future with hope and excitement. Fear nothing and no one. Work honestly. Be good, be happy. And remember that each of you is unique, your soul your own, irreplaceable and individual in the miracle of your mortal frame". ~ Pearl S. Buck

In the effort of doing something different and challenging - I've decided to write a novel. My friend Justin (of justinplusone.com) threw down a challenge for the month of November to write a novel in just 30 days!?!?!??!@$&*#$%^@#

I'm jumping in feet first. I've written the first chapter but have to keep going. I would never call myself a writer, but really why not? Why do I let that voice in my head tell me no. I can be anything I want to be. My problem lies in that if it's not going to be perfect, well then why try? It's behavior I'm trying to change.

Instead of focusing on whether this will be the next great American novel, or a prize winner - I'm. just. writing. and in doing so combating all those little demons that tell me otherwise. Ghost busting if you will :) (Thanks Lindsay)

I'm plunging in! Here goes!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Smiles and Laughter

I had a quote in my inbox today:

"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul".
- Yiddish proverb

This past weekend I went up to the Catskills to my friend Brian's place. It was a secluded little cabin on Mt. Tremper. The weather was rainy Friday and Saturday nights which gave the four of us: myself, Brad, Michael & Brian the chance to just chill. We sat for HOURS around the wood fireplace drinking coffee, sharing stories and laughing our asses off. The conversation went from serious program AA stuff to all other kinds of silly. Things we did both before and after we got sober that really just indicate how crazy and yet how free we are now.

As the night was winding down, I remembered the day I met these guys. Brad I had known for years. One night after a meeting about 2 weeks into my starting AA, Brad grabbed me by the collar and said: "C'mon let's get coffee". I thought it'd be just him so I agreed. We walk across the street to Dean and Deluca, and there around a table were Brian & Michael and two empty chairs. I felt like it was going to be the inquisition. I sat down with my coffee and mostly just listened to these men talk. Talk about being drunk, talk about being sober but what struck me the most was the fact that they were laughing!

I'd wanted to yell: "GUYS! I'M NOT DRINKING ANYMORE - THIS IS SERIOUS!!"

Two and a half years later, sitting around that fire - I was struck with gratitude for the grace that got me there and more so every day for the fact that I can laugh and smile again. It was restored my soul as AA has started to restore my life.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Choice

I love that I have two things in my life that really keep me moving in an amazing direction.

Meetings and Sati

Between the two I had a great revelation this week, especially after my Big Book meeting last night. We read 'The Family Afterward'. Usually, I throw up a block about that chapter as well as 'To The Wives' AND 'To Employers' - Why? well because
'it's not about me!'

As is often the case when I take this tact, I find that I am dead wrong.

Through my Sati experience this past month I've really been able to embrace the word 'Abundance' and invite it in to my life in many ways. In the meeting last night during this passage: "That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets" - (pg 124 - Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous), I was struck!

Struck with the amazing self awareness I've been cultivating and AWED by the idea that today with all the good in my life, I can choose to make a different choice.

With regards, to work, a carreer in acting, relationships - romantic, familial or even friends. Today I can choose a different action, sometimes contrary to those I've ALWAYS done. Maybe a different result can occur maybe not - but I KNOW the answer if I don't try, and I KNOW that regardless the outcome I WILL GROW.

LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW! I'm listenting to Dvorak's 'New World Symphony' as I write this and indeed it is - A NEW WORLD

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Good Thoughts

This song is so beautiful and strikes me everytime I hear it.


What I Cannot Change - LeAnn Rimes

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Promise

Have you ever met someone and doing so suddenly illuminated all that hadn't been right with all your previous dates/boyfriends/love interests/lovers - and yourself in those situations?

I have

That being said. I'm a firm believer that every moment of one's past brings them forward to who they are today - present.

Learning lessons from mistakes so that when the opportunity presents itself. one is ready like they've never been before.

I will step forward, unafraid, into new territory - exploring all the things life & love have to offer, not take away. I will change my insticntual behavior and move through any ridiculous fears.

As I've learned in Sati - I am open to abundance & happiness. I am ready, willing and able - RIGHT NOW to accept richness in my life - in every way.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Swooning a bit

I tend to jump on the side of being a bit boy crazy, but something about this one is different.

I'll set the scene:

I am unshowered, wearing clothes from the previous night. I got in at 2 am after our show and party. Woke at 4am and hopped on a train to the city in order to board a bus departing at 6am for the Equality March in D.C.

I'm not glamourous, my matted hair hidden under a hat, unshaven, wearing glasses and worse of all I fore go coffee so I can eek out a few more hours of sleep on the ride down.

We board the bus, I say hello to no one out of fear of my coffee-less state. I have two seats to myself so I scrunch up into a TINY ball and try my best to make a little comfort on a freezing, dark bus seat. I start to drift....when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

I look up into an unknown face and down into an extended hand holding a scarf.
"You can use this as a pillow if you'd like"

I graciously accept and smile a bit on the inside as I close my eyes.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Happy Friday!

I just finished eating breakfast which consisted of OJ and a toasted whole wheat everything bagel with apple-cinnamon cream cheese. It wasn't as delicious as I'd imagined it to be

My morning has started off amazingly! I great Sati class and some time on the train to read more of the book 'The Shack'.

I'm feeling much better since my previous entry. I had a great talk with my sponsor about acceptance. I always have this instinct to fight or change something - ESPECIALLY when I'm not feeling the way I want to.

He highlighted to me that my 'feelings aren't facts' and given all the good days I have. It's ok to accept that maybe I have a bummed out day. It's so simple - he's so wise. Grace had EVERYTHING to do with us meeting and I'm so grateful he's in my life.

Two shows this weekend! Can't wait! My Dad's brothers & sister are coming to the city tomorrow, and seeing the show - which is great. I've got a lot of feelings there and around them so I will have to practice graciousness and restraint of tongue. We'll see how it all goes -

Best of everything to you all!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I Hate when I get This way

from the outside my life couldn't be better! Well maybe a few things, but

I'm in a show I LOVE
I'm in an apartment I LOVE
I'm taking Sati which I LOVE

Yet, over the last few days all i've wanted to do is sit at home & not interact with ANYONE. I force myself to meetings, the Sati and to the show even!

Maybe I'm just tired I don't know - but it's hard to reconcile how I'm feeling with what I think I SHOULD be feeling. I don't know what tools to use to make this shift

I heard a quote the other day: There is no way TO happiness, happiness is the way.

I need my perspective to shift and soon - which as I write that I'm reminded of 'SERENITY NOW!', which at very least brought a smile to my face

My View

For my money and in my life, perhaps the greatest love story ever told existed between my parents. It's the stuff made of legend


My Mother was a flower child of the 1960's, with love in her heart and rebellion in her mouth, she took up any cause. She embraced the times whole heartedly, calling out for justice, fairness and peace in times of chaos, corruption and fear.


My father was a different kind of man. He was a musical prodigy and science wiz who never gave himself enough credit. Floundering a bit after high school he found his calling in the United States Air Force. There he discovered the beauty and peace of routine, discipline and very early mornings.


I'm sure from any outsider’s perspective it seemed that ne'er the two shall meet. Fate and God thought differently and meet they did. A persistent man my father, wouldn't take no for an answer. He succeeded in scoring a date by wooing my grandmother, offering the opportunity to see John Denver - well what girl could refuse when faced with pressure from Mom and the chance to see the heartthrob of the times.


They were married shortly after my Dad completed the academy and into the Air Force life my flower child mother went. She did this without compromising who she was, and my Dad loved and respected this in her. I don't know much of the early years as for some I wasn't around and for the others well I was just waking up to the world.


What I can remember clearly is that every struggle that came our way - my parents met face on. Fear was not a word they let enter their minds, maybe behind closed doors in brief acknowledgment but when face to face with adversity they knew their armor of love would protect them.


For close to 30 years, this was the way of things in this Ritz household. There were so many times that life seemed to knock us down, but we held fast to each other because that has always gotten us through. Whether is was moving all over the world, changing schools, losing jobs, struggling to support a family - there was always a moment at the end of hard or easy days where my parents hands would clasp together and they would utter the mantra: 'It will be OK'.....and it always was.


Perhaps the biggest challenge we faced was in 2003 when my father, a strong, vibrant, loving man was diagnosed with cancer. Esophageal - stage 3. Again, the hands clasped, it would be OK. The truest testament of love I'd ever seen. Two people who had loved and laughed for years bravely grabbed hands and faced the unknown future.


My Dad passed away in 2004 about a year from being diagnosed. For my money and in my life, perhaps the greatest love story ever told existed between my parents.


My parents were a true testament to love, faith, trust, communication, humor, and not taking life so seriously as precious as it is.


In a way I'm spoiled - these are the ideals I hope to have in a relationship.


I came out of the closet as a gay man when I was 17 years old. Having been raised in the Roman Catholic tradition this was a very daunting and scary moment in my life. I was blessed at the time with two amazingly understanding and patient parents. Though it wasn't always easy, they knew that who I loved was not a choice, but part of who I am. They also understood that when it comes from a place of love, there is no wrong.


I was also blessed with an amazing guy who was my first boyfriend. Together we traversed the trickiness of coming out at a young age and reconciling that fact with our upbringing. We realized that coming out didn't have to close doors for us. We could still live the kind of lives that our parents did. Loving. We could raise children. It was not wrong to love one another because after all it was love.

While doing what I can to be active in the debate surrounding marriage equality I think of a few things. I think of my first boyfriend who is now married to the man he loves, they have a baby girl - dreams are possible. I think of my mother and my father's hospital bedside. I think that no matter the ending happy or sad it's the journey that counts.


I want my story to be a continuation of the love I encountered early in my life. I want to be able to have a child should I choose and not have to worry about who has rights to it (my parents did not have this worry). I want to be able to sit freely at the bedside of my partner should it come to that and not worry about whether I'll be able to keep the home that we share (my parents did not have this worry).


For my money and in my life, perhaps the greatest love story ever told existed between my parents. I want mine to be next

Friday, October 2, 2009

Whew Girl!

(as my friend Joel would say)

It has been a WEEK.

I am so grateful to have the life I do today even if gratitude has me feeling exhausted. I wouldn't trade it for a thing!

Monday we opened 'Hurricane' which went well, we had another show last night which rocked in my opinion. There's this one number that's been a challenge for me physically & vocally since the beginning and I ALWAYS get anxiety & fear about it.
I prayed before I went on and asked for help to put the fear down and enjoy myself and BOY did I. I had a BLAST last night!

Sunday was my launch into a 30 day Sati Warrior Challenge! (www.satilife.com). I've gone to two classes this week and a third tomorrow and I can't tell you how amazing I feel. This month is gonna ROCK!!

Tuesday (as if I didn't have enough going on)...I moved! And I'm completely in LOVE with my new apt. the beauty is too that I can really take my time and relax into unpacking and really keeping things I need and throwing out the rest (I'm a bit of a pack rat).

I'm working today - hitting a meeting then watching my Netflix movie with my new roomate and perhaps a cup of tea. Just needed to check in.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Some thoughts

Today is the day I dread all year, it marks the 5 year anniversary of my Father's passing. It's a day usually full of a lot of 'stuff' to sort out emotionally and so far each year has been quite different.

I miss my Dad every day.

I think it not at all a coincidence that given this time of year and my recent struggles with faith that I've finally started reading 'The Shack' by Wm. Paul Young. Its the story of a man who meets God and gets to ask the questions we all want to I guess

A noteable passage: 'something that makes sense only if you can see the bigger picture of reality. Maybe that is where faith fits in.'

I think right now I can't glimpse that bigger picture so as sad and angry as I've been with recent happenings, I have to have faith in the bigger picture.

Another realization I had this past week is that I cannot WAIT to be a Dad. I was holding my cousins baby who is 4 months old and was named after my Uncle Tim who passed away - i held that baby and the circle that is life became abundantly clear. It also pulled on this need in myself to have a child. Not tomorrow clearly but in the future it is something I want.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Really? I mean really

I was raised Roman Catholic. My idea of God from a young child up through my middle teen years was a God who was nice to you if you did the right things, but if you didn't he was vengeful and angry.

When I was 15 and realized I was gay I thought, well there are too many bad things stacked up against me for God to love me so who need him anyway, and I turned my back...for another twelve years I walked further and further away.

When I entered AA we discussed this concept of a God of my understanding. My eyes were open to the fact that the God I grew up with didn't have to be the God I envisioned today. Slowly, I turned around and walked toward a loving power of my own creation who only wants what is best for me and whom I can trust...I slowly started to build faith and over the last two and a half years it's grown & blossomed. I am grateful for that

I know that 'Why?' is not a faithful question

Last night though after my Uncle's funeral, I went back in the church. It was Me and God, i knelt down - stared at the cross and said - WHY?

Why is it that good men like my Uncle and my Father who's one purpose in life it seemed was to be there for other people, get taken away. So we appreciate it? So we learn to do the same?

I get it- I get that lesson - my other WHY? Is why make it SO painful for the ones we lose. My Uncle & Father both died of cancer. They each fought long & hard for over a year. Does that make the lesson more valuable I mean really - what the fuck?

Today - I don't know where I stand. I can't reconcile the God I've envisioned over the last two years with the same that would let two strong and powerful men go through what they did just to get to him.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

RIP Coach (Uncle) Tim

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO:

Cancer cannot cripple love
Cancer cannot shatter hope
Cancer cannot corrode faith
Cancer cannot supress memories
Cancer cannot silence courage
Cancer cannot steal eternal life
Cancer cannot conquer the spirit
Cancer cannot kill friendship
Cancer cannot destroy peace
Cancer cannot invade the soul.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fair vs. Unfair

I would ALWAYS whine growing up that 'this wasn't fair'

My parents in their infinte wisdom would say - 'Life isn't fair'

Truth of the matter is, life isn't about fair or unfair. If life were fair I'd either be dead, in prison or in an institution - that I firmly believe. If life were fair I wouldn't have a job, an apartment, friends, family, love or serenity.

The other reason I know that life isn't fair is that my uncle is dying. He suffers from cancer (the same type my Dad died from), they don't think he'll last the week (my Dad also died in September). Luckily he's surrounded by a family that loves him dearly.

I can't help feeling that I'm in the same spot again. Watching this horrible disease pummel a once strong & vibrant man. Clutching the phone and hearing the pain in my mother & sisters voices, who are once again there in person to wtiness like they were for my father. The only difference is that this time I'm sober so I get to choose to do something different. The outcome won't change but what can I do to help from half way across the country. It's painful and surreal.

I trust in God and I know that there is a bigger plan involved here - that doesn't mean I'm not angry, sad and wondering WTF every other second.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am blessed

Today will be day three of rehearsal for this new show I'm working on.

HURRICANE

I literally got chills yesterday during our rehearsal. We staged the first number and it was beautiful!!

After rehearsal I was lucky enough to be able to join one of my fellows & celebrate his 1 year anniversary. What a gift to be able to watch him grow!

I feel like right now my priorites are rehearsals and meetings and that my life is pretty balanced.

Too bad for work - not a priority

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Serene, I was not

I have to laugh at myself sometimes.

Yesterday I got my rehearsal schedule for an upcoming show that I am SO incredibly blessed & excited to be a part of.

Upon receiving it I realized that it takes up most of my working day job hours. I also blessed with an incredibly amazing job that will give me the flexibility to pursue the dreams that were planted in my heart

Regardless of all that I freaked out yesterday trying to 'figure it out' (which is always a fruitless venture), and down the spiral slide of angst, worry & fear I plummetted...knowingly.

I had a great conversation with a fellow (and ex) who simply told me that I wouldn't have this opportunity if I wasn't going to be taken care of and have my needs provided for - after all isn't that step 3 right there in the present?

Monday, August 17, 2009

A Step Closer

Something said in a meeting yesterday hit me in such a profound way, that I of course have to share.

ps - Scott, I'm on Day 4 of my listening practice.

A fellow shared a story he'd heard from Marianne Williamson. It's the story of a 3yr old boy who over the baby monitor was heard in his new brother's room saying:
"Can you please tell me about God? I'm starting to forget"

The fellow went on to say how we spent most of our lives stepping further and further away from God and what we were created for. A path that only gets more treacherous when we've picked up a substance

It made me think of the little things that I do each day to show faith. In doing those little things I start to close the gap between God & myself, improving that contact and recovering what I am meant to be, what I am made for. I have no definition of what that is supposed to be, but I trust & have faith that if I stay on this path all will be well.

Friday, August 14, 2009

A Way Back to Then

My iPod has wisely played Godspell (2000 OBC) this morning and it has taken me BACK!

I was in this show the summer of 1998, I will NEVER forget that show. It was one of those experiences that I was transcended, in fact the whole cast was.

It wasn't any one persons show - it truly was an ensemble. We were whole together and it was the only way the show worked. The directors did amazing work with us as actors, bonding us, letting us create and really pour ourselves into these representations of ourselves.

I can distinctly rehearsing 'All Good Gifts' which was my song in the show. I was timid and full of fear about singing over a G,(the song goes to an A).
The music director looked me in the eyes and said 'Go For It' and suddenly there it was a step out in faith followed by the chorus underneath me. It was magical for me, a feeling and moment I was able to direct outward when we did the show.

The other memory I have from that was the song 'By My Side'. We'd spent most of the show on stage having fun & enjoying eachother until this song. When we turn our backs on one of the members. I can still remember how painful that felt, because it felt like we were doing it to her.

They were such powerful moments. A good reminder that good theatre is built on relationships. Between actors, directors and the audience. I think there in lies the truth and beauty of the craft called acting.

It also reminds me of a time that I wasn't remotely self-concious about singing, acting and the like - unafraid, unencumbered & free...to find a way back to then

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Where I Am

I don't have any huge revelations to divulge so I thought I'd jot down where I am today.

physically, I'm at work. Mildly resenting the fact that I have to cover the reception desk the next few days but grateful to have a job and income.

Speaking of income, I've decided being that I've never been good at it to start taking responsiblity for my finances. Baby steps. I'm taking to writing down every day what I spend. I belong to mint.com, but I think I need the practice of DOING to really start to get a handle on it.

I keep seeing the slogan: 'Take responsibility for every area of your life'.

Sobriety-wise - my meetings have been hit or miss. I'm also resisting the urge to speak and really practicing listening. I realize I don't do that well, I'm always thinking of how to respond or what I can add - it makes me feel painfully ego-centric.

I don't have all the answers

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Life Beyond My Wildest Dreams

I heard that phrase A LOT when I first came in and resented it greatly.

Also, being a graduate of the 'Delusions of Grandeur' school of thought have always envisioned my wildest dreams to be standing in the spotlight on a Broadway stage with millions of adoring fans & cameras flashing...

...today, I was overcome with emotion and the realization that in fact today my life is beyond my wildest dreams!

I woke this morning from a full restful nights sleep, warmed up in the shower, went to an audition which I was fully present for, showed up at work and am doing my job. After work I am going to a meeting, then to rehearsal for a reading of a show that I'll be performing this week. I'm living a life and it's mine.

Today I am in my life and it is a joy. This feeling is way better than anything I'd ever imagined on that barstool.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Thy Will

It's interesting as of late how the third step keeps coming up for me at meetings & in life.

I still remember that moment, kneeling on the floor with my sponsor and making the decision that my life is in God's hands. In hindsight it always has been - but admitting that and committing to that every day, well that's the challenge. I LOVE the beauty exists in my life the minute I let go. It continues to amaze me.

It amazes me too that everyday I have to re-make that decision & commitment.

In other news, I'm participating in a fund raiser for a movie that I'm gonna be in once enough money is raised. It's a cute script and I get to be a witch which is always fun!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Easy?

I qualified at a meeting last night, I needed it. More than that though I needed to hear the feedback and where people were/are.

Right now I feel like I'm in a flow if sobriety. I'm working it, I have service committments, I put forth the effort to stay connected - I know that without my focus on that all else will fall away. I know too that this shall pass and there'll be a time when it'll seem like it's harder work, that's just the way of things.

I guess as someone who's always 'just gotten by', it's enlightening to see how full & amazing my life can become if I put a little effort in it, imagine if I were to put a WHOLE lot of effort into it.

I love that with sobriety for me, has come the gift of being able to work for something and that instant gratification is no longer sufficent.

These are my thoughts on this Monday morning. I hope everyone had a safe & Happy 4th!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Relapse

A friend of mine always says that 'Relapse is a part of sobriety, but it doesn't have to be mine'

This was all too apparent this past week when I ran into one of my early one friends who was just released from a psych ward.

I wanted to shake him and scream: 'YOU'RE WORTH IT'. It was weird because the following night, I totally had a dream that I relapsed on pain killer & prescription meds, which was never my thing.

This is an excerpt from my journal: " It's weird because more and more I've come to believe that my life is saved through sobriety, then i start thinking - oh boy i'm drinking the 'kool-aid' but the truth really is, I've never known a life as full, prosperous, joyful & meaningful as I know it right now - and true I MAY be able to
survive or get by if I'm drinking but, TODAY I believe I was made for more than just survival. I guess the adventure of it is I get to figure it out or not even that so much as step on and go for the ride.

Just thought I'd share that revelation

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

3 days down

I've been out on Fire Island since Sunday and let me tell you this is the way to do it

Start here when most everyone has already returned to the city, get some real peace, serenity and relaxation. Pump up my sobriety by going to meetings, talking to my home group members, praying, journaling and reading.

My housemates all return on Friday but I feel firmly planted right now so I'm not worried.

Off to play some more Wii fit (which by the way told me my fit age was 39....).
Stupid computers

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

For Humor & Posterity

I had a flashback this morning that literally made me laugh out loud!

When I was living with my boyfriends (yes plural), we had received the movie 'Babel' via Netflix.

We watch about half of it because it was late and a week night, but were astounded!

How cool that the first part of the movie is completely in other languages, just like the tower of babel - what genius directing, editing & acting. We followed the story without a lick of knowledge of languages other than our own.

The next night we sit down to watch the other half, and realize to our sadness & surprise we'd turned off the subtitles somehow but they did exsist. HA! Even three brains aren't better than one sometimes

Each New Day

I love watching change.

I resist in myself naturally but I like watching it around me, and more so I like being open to it's effects.

This Friday the company I work for laid off 3 people, from a staff of 20. Since that moment myself and 3 of the other remaining people that cover those jobs have really bonded together in such an effort of team work & spirit.

I'm grateful that my ego stayed checked, and that as sad as it was to lose those people, the dawning of a new enviroment is a nice silver lining.

I look at my life and think WOW. I'm so happy to be able to face each day a little clearer, A LOT happier and to look at each day with the eyes of oppotunity and service.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Discoveries

Recently - I've discovered the following things about myself and need to note them for posterity.
- More and more I'm able to take action in all areas of my life regardless of how I 'feel' about it.
- I have the capacity to love someone without expectation
- The beauty of self discovery is a unique and amazing gift
- Tears come more easily to my eyes
- That I can practice listening

I have two visuals in my head as of late (Thanks mostly to Scott)

A bird in flight lifted and supported by the wind, letting go and flowing with the rhythm of life

A memory of trekking through the woods as a boyscout with a map, compass & the spirit of discovery running through me - unafraid and faithful.

My ideal is to be a combination of those two images - Today I will strive for that.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Something I Love

Thunderstorms


There was a doozy last night - it felt like it was right outside my window. I LOVE sleeping during them, i cracked my window so I could hear the rain & thunder and feel the strong breeze on my face. I love that I find peace and solace in natures chaos.

...probably also why I love living in New York.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I'm Back

I'm always astounded at the solace and comfort I find in hiding & falling off the radar.

I will try my hardest to keep from doing so. I've had a lot of trouble motivating myself lately to do the things that are good for me: Meditate, Clean & Organize, Go to meetings, Share, Reach out, Ask for help. Today has been a better day.

I finally shared in a meeting last night, a story which turned out to be more of a metaphor for my life at the moment:
(the long version)

Two weeks ago I decided, though I don't really know how and have told myself I can't do it well, I decided to stop dropping off my shirts to be pressed and instead iron them myself. Save money, domesticate myself a bit - why not.

For TWO WEEKS, I've slept on one half of my bed because the other half is covered with my clean, but wrinkled laundry (pants and shirts that need to ironed).

I was leaving the meeting and one of my friends said, Just Do It! and for some reason that stuck with me - and last night, though I didn't iron cause I got home late, I did clear off my bed and sleep on the whole thing.

ACTION ACTION ACTION - I also love that the word ACT is in prACTice!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What's the good of walls?

I had an interesting weekend out on the island - most of which was fun.

I noticed something come Sunday though, I had been hiding behind my wall - the very same one I started to take down when I came into the program. I'm still astounded at how quickly that wall goes back up.

I kept myself so seperate I think for some reason in order to stay safe - the problem is if no one can get in, I can't get out. I didn't get sober to keep hiding.

I must find a way to enjoy myself & relax a little I think. I've got a few weeks to figure out my tactics there so that'll be good.

Hope you're all well!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Call to Action

Happy Tuesday!

I was inspired this morning when reading the story of a 9 year old boy from Colorado who organized a rally in favor of marraige equality.
9 years old!

As some of you know, New York is on the brink of passing a bill that would declare equal marraige rights to all couples. Having already passed in the assembly, we are working towards getting it passed in the senate and only have until June 20th!

Please visit: SPEAK OUT for easy links to contacting your senate represenatives and telling them that marraige equality is important to you! If you're getting this and don't live in New York, please forward it to friends or relatives that do. If you do not live in a state where marraige equality exsists - ASK WHY?

The reason that marraige equality is so important is that it will give gay couples the same rights that married couples have. It has nothing to do with the religious institutions view on marraige because that is truly besides the point.

At the end of the day, this is about L-O-V-E, after all it's what makes the world go around. If a 9 year old can promote this idea, what is stopping us?

Cynthia Nixon
Audra MCDonald

Thank you for reading,

In Hope and Love, Jeremy

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Updating

I guess I should check in as it's been a while (apologies)

I had a great & challenging weekend. My share started on Fire Island this past weekend. I'm in a house with 7 other friends who are not in the program (some should be...). I had fun, but learned that just like in early sobriety, I need a plan. A plan that includes meetings, calling program folk and setting boundaries. The point is that I got through it, albeit maybe a little willfully and I know now that I don't have to do it the hard way.

I think that is the beauty of the program really is that I'm given the opportunity & choice. I choose. Then evaluate, did this bring me closer of further from a drink? If the answer is closer, well then what can I do different.

I'm looking forward to our next weekend out there May 21st!

In other news, things are progressing with 'the boy'. I'm much more surprised when we hang out and I am able to let go of expectations - the evenings flow much better.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Oh the Past

I've had more than a few conversations recently with friends, family and myself about the past, specifically when it comes to relationships.

What I find amusing is I'm knee deep in the tango of an early relationship and it seems the world (or rather my world and the people in it) is all in the same place, which I find helpful when I don't know what to do.

I read this article , which is an open letter to Rhianna, this morning. What I gleaned from it only supported the ideas I've been thinking and sharing with those around me who asked. That our past experiences don't have to define our future ones.

The past. It's a funny thing. It's led to exactly where I am today, but I feel it in no way defines who I am.

When it comes to relationships, why do I (we) project the past onto the present & future? I think that the key is changing ourselves or our thought process.

The truth of the matter is, the man that I am getting to know is just that - a man I'm getting to know. He is himself & that's all I can ask. He is not any past boyfriend or experience and I catch myself projecting those things on him from time to time. I hear this from anyone else I know who is starting that same journey.

Where does it lie? Have I not dealt with the past experiences? Forgiven them? Forgiven myself? It's all so curious.

I remind myself the following things: Take it easy, stay present & for chris-sakes, try to enjoy yourself a little - it's not that serious.

(I have no idea if any of this is coherent - it's really just a stream of consciousness)

**Sorry I had to delete this original post & re-post because of some people and their nasty ways of showing their beliefs**

Live and Let Live Folks

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Love Letter

Who would have thought that after more than 10 years I'd still be in love?

Truthfully, We've been together for 10 years but our love affair started years before that when I was a tiny boy growing up in rural upstate New York.

Though I sometimes take it for granted, there are moments when I fall completely head over heels again and it all feels new & different. It's the longest love affair I've ever had.

Last night was one of these moments. I was working at 7 World Trade Center, the 45th Floor. The views of the city where breathtaking & beautiful. God even decided to indulge me & paint a glorious sunset that relflected off the Hudson. Once night had fallen I had trouble deciding which was the more beautiful, New York at night or New York by day.

I looked down to the footprint of the Twin Towers, and thought: "God, NY you've been through so much", then thought the same about myself. My eyes slowly moving across the vast emptiness and focusing on the Trinity Church. The history spanning back centuries and that through it all, we carry on.

I left work at around 12:30a, glanced up through the canyons of buildings surrounding me. It was peaceful & almost quiet (well as quiet as it can be in NY) but dampered. I stared straight up like a tourist, through the lights and had glimpses of little wispy lavender colored clouds against the midnight blue sky. I was struck with a strange sense of belonging even though I was entirely alone, I felt connected. The street, the lights, the city were all mine for a moment and I was theirs.

You've done it again New York, put a little more into the flame of my love for you which was already burning bright.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Thoughts for your weekend

One of the panelists on the beginners panel shared a prayer with me last week that I LOVE and wanted to share it here:

A Sioux Prayer - translated by Chief Yellow Lark

Oh, Great spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds
Whose breath gives life to the world, hear me
I come to you as one of your many children
I am small and weak
I need your strength and wisdom

May I walk in beauty
Make my eyes ever behold the red & purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made
And my ears sharp to your voice.
Make me wise so that I may know the things you have taught your children.

The lessons you have written in every leaf & rock

Make me strong -!
Not to be superior to my brothers, but to fight my greatest enemy...
myself

Make me ever ready to come to you with straight eyes, So that when life fades as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Cart Before the Horse

I found my wedding song this morning:

'For Once in My Life' - Gladys Knight


Now to find an appropriate husband!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Whoa Resentment City

I had the strangest experience yesterday - I woke full of anger towards myself, all the things I didn't do because I was too busy drinking were staring me in the face - I REALLY resented being an alcoholic and the choices I made (or didn't).

This morning I think the answer really is acceptance. I keep repeating that quote: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" - pg 83 - AA Big Book.

I'm also hearing "It's OK to look back but don't stare. I'm simply finding that hard to not do.

I guess I know what topic I'm speaking on at my beginners meeting tonight :)

Wishing you all a wonderful Monday!

Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm ready now

I had an interesting couple of conversations the over the last few days that has led me to think about some things.

I've been saying since the end of my last relationship things like:
"I'm not ready"
"I just want to be casual"


It's occurred to me that in dating some of the guys I've 'dated' since then, that maybe I'm just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Not to say that ANY of these guys aren't amazing in and of themselves cause, well to be completely egotistical I wouldn't waste my time with guys who aren't.

Anyway - in these conversations the things people said to me have rolled & knocked around in my head:
"Don't tell yourself you don't have time and aren't ready, cause one day you'll wake up and be 42 and wonder what happened"

"You can't be afraid to ride the rollercoaster - just get on and go"

I guess it's true really. I believe firmly that I am safe in this universe, so why not take that risk. I have no problems cutting down my hours, pay etc & pursuing a dream. Well why not take the risk to really date someone & have the experience.
There's also a line in the play I'm working on for class ('The Stonewater Rapture' by Doug Wright)
"But I do know one thing. It's normal to want to be held. And sometimes, skin is just skin, no matter who's wearing it. It feels good next to itself for a reason."

I want that connection

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A Blank Piece of Paper

I've spent my morning listening to Sondheims: 'Sunday In the Park With George'.

And struck again, as most times by the very last line of the show:

"White. A blank page of canvas. His favorite. So many possibilities..."

I try so hard to view each day as just this, a blank piece of paper & strive to take values of good and bad out of the equation. It's hard, just plain hard.

In this new chapter of my life, I get to start a new page tonight! I'm taking an acting class for the first time in almost 10 years. I'm excited, scared, nervous, insecure and thrilled.

I just need to remember that it too is a blank piece of paper and to remember not to fear the opportunity that presents.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Don't restrain me!

So I was having a discussion the other night with some friends & thought I pose some of the arguments here.

I forget really how it all came up, it started as a discussion of body hair. One of my dinner-mates said that he religously gets his back sugared (a form of waxing). One of our other dinner-mates accused him of conforming to what (gay) society deems acceptable. He argued that it wasn't the case and he preferred himself smooth.

I started thinking about my own ideas regarding hair etc. I'm Irish and German, whether this is the reason I'm a hairy mo fo or not I don't know.
What I do know is that there is WAY too much hair on my body to be shaving it all the time....yes I do trim it.

There was a time from about 17 - 27 that I felt the need to shave my upper body (luckily I only have a slight tuft on my lower back), but I religously shaved my front for years. I got tired of it, not only was it a lot of work but it wasn't cute. I'm light skinned with DARK brown hair, I'd look smooth for about a half a day so i let it go and couldn't be happier.

The reason I bring this all up is I've notcied lately amongst the gays that there is a whole movement back to facial hair of all types etc etc. We were talking about guys needs to be masculine etc.

My thoughts really are: I'm a man, I like men. so I'm muscly, hairy and natural. I am also gay, so I prance around & swish my hips from time to time. Why all this extreme? I mean can't I be who I am without FURTHER labels? The dinner party tried to convince me that I'm a cub or otter or badger (God - this sounds like boyscouts) or some other sort of deep woods animal which I am not really about. There's nothing wrong with that lifestyle -i don't choose it for myself.

I am Jeremy. What I like about me is the many different things that make me who I am whether those are stregnths or weaknesses change on any given day. Stop trying to put me in a box!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Check In

I guess it's been a while since I've posted...no reason why really I don't think - or is reading into a little crazy maybe.

Anyway - I'm in the middle of a three-day marathon of work, commitments and little sleep all culminating on Thursday when I'm off to Virginia for a fun weekend with family.

I was listening to August Gold give a talk on Step 4 and the rigorous honesty inherent to it and she mentioned something to the effect of 'always being on the move because if we don't stop, then we don't have to look (at ourselves)'

I've run my life like that especially since entering sobriety, at first it was a need to be busy so I didn't focus on the fact that I can't drink but now that I'm accustomed to that life style I really have to work on SLOWING down, smelling the roses and really working on myself so that I can give it away

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I know it's traditionally Irish (or at least in my Irish family) to be a bit morose. Though I don't subscribe to that belief, i read this blessing today and thought it was too beautiful not to share.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there... I did not die...

Friday, March 13, 2009

Cherry Popped

So - Late yesterday my good friend Paul called to offer me a ticket to go see an opera at the MET with him & our friend Catherine.

My first reaction, was ugh, I'm already tired it'll probably just put me to sleep...but in an effort to expereince life a bit more and said YES!

Having NEVER been inside the Met since I moved here in 1999, the mere thought of that was exciting, and my excitement only grew as the day wore on.

When I finally met up with them I was completely giddy, simlar to the first time I saw a Broadway show.

There simply are NO words to describe the beauty, creativity and artistry I observed last night. I am so grateul to have had the chance to see 'Rusulka'. It was a fantastical story and all of the performers were TOP NOTCH. I could go on forever about the score, set, music, sounds and everything else. My life has been altered.

I'm so happy to have been present and aware and able to experience the sights & sounds of such a beautiful performance

Thursday, March 12, 2009

No particular reason

I guess I don't have a lot to say, but I felt I should update anyway.

It's been a weird adjustment only working three days a week. I find that I have very little idea of what to do with free time. I'm figuring it out the best I can right now.

It occurred to me the other day or maybe it was in a dream that first time I recall feeling unsafe.

When I was 5, my family was in the Frankfurt Airport in Germany. A bomb went off in the airport. I don't remember much, a loud noise, lots of smoke & sirens. My mother tells me even when I was almost 13 and I heard that European siren noise, I would freeze.

Thought it was interesting

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Thanks

last night I was elected to speak on the beginners panel at one of my groups.

I'm honored, deeply humbled and VERY excited.

I'm also grateful that the last couple of nights I've been able to fall asleep being caressed by the moonlight shining right in my window. I find it comforting.

And too, for this discovery - a tastier, less expensive yogurt for breakfast!
Liberte'
Yummy

I especially like the 6 grain version! Thanks Canada!!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Snow & Willingness

So as anyone knows, it snowed here in NYC yesterday - A LOT!

Lucky for me I had the day off already, though it turned out the store got closed too!

I spent most of yesterday lounging, napping and watching Netflix. You can imagine as the time grew closer to go to the meeting, the temperature dropped, the wind blew harder and I was COZY!

Something outside of me said get off the dang couch and go - so I did.

I got to the school to find out that they had opened it just for our meeting, but sans heat.

There I sat with probably 40-50 other recovering alcoholics, bundled in our coats with smiles on our faces because for that day, that hour - though cold we were safe. It was beautiful to watch and see just how willing people are to sit there practically freezing just to hear some message. It was perfect in that moment.

In other news, I've started reading 'The History of Love' by Nicole Kraus for a book club I belong to. I've been really touched by it - quite beautiful. I can't wait to discover more as I read

Thursday, February 26, 2009

2 Years

2 Years ago today, I walked into a meeting and identified myself as an alcoholic.

I am grateful today that I had willingness that was given to me by a higher power to just keep coming.

I was listening to 'Rent' on my way in this morning - and for the first time heard the final lyrics in a whole new way:

"No day but today" (overlaps with) "I'd die without you"

These are the things I know and have learned through AA, today is all I have and I'd be dead if I didn't have a place to go.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Big Lovin

So - this past weekend I watched my first episode ever of 'Big Love'.

I thought it was interesting, and will probably throw the earlier seasons on my netflix so I can watch it from the beginning.

Anyway, TODAY, I read this article Bigger Love

It's written from a straight female's perpsective which I thought interesting and valueable.

I, myself was in a polyamourous relationship (with two other men) for a brief time. I feel really that though it had it's problems it really was a supportive, loving enviroment. In fact, I don't think I've felt that loved & supported since - not sure what that's about. I mean I blame myself a bit too for not allowing people to love & support me in that way.

I'm not really sure where this entry is going, I guess I just thought it interesting to read a straight woman's prepsective on it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thank you

I just have to take a moment and say thanks.

These last few weeks were challenging and now I feel a bit of reprieve. On Friday I gave notice at my job (where I've been the last 11 1/2 years). It's the longest relationship I've ever had. There was A LOT of feelings surrounding this decision but it was something I'd thought about for a very long time.

The counter offered with going part-time. I accpeted and yesterday we spent the day hashing out how to make that work.

I surprised myself by really going in with no expectations. Stating what I thought would work and being open to the discussion of it all. These are things that two years ago would not have occured to me in any way.

I've never felt more loved and supported and for that I am grateful

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Every Day

So - music gets to me, or rather reaches down deep inside me - i feel it in my core it's a part of me.

I heard this song for the first time today (though I think it's been around a while)
It sums up perfectly how I feel about this spiritual program called AA and most specifically the people in the meetings I go to, meet online or are just there keeping it alive one day at a time:

Every Day - Rascal Flats
You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

[CHORUS]
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

[Repeat Chorus]

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-

Every day you save my life

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Funny Thing

I spent a lot of yesterday worried about my future and what path to take. I was talking with a bunch of fellows after the meeting, trying to get an idea of how to write a resignation letter.

It was amusing because EVERYONE had an opinion not ONLY on how to write the letter but also on the choices I was/am making etc.

I was reminded of a line from my favorite poem: 'The Journey' by Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

In the end, I realize this is between me & God and that no matter what I decide I am divinely guided & supported.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Songs I'll Never Sing

well maybe not NEVER, but I find it rare I'd be cast as the Billy Bigelow in Carousel.

even so, 'Soliloquy' is one of the greatest songs. Here's John Raitt on the Ed Sullivan Show doing it:
Soliloquy

Are You There? ....it's me Jeremy

I feel this weight on my chest lately - for the sake of being honest, let's call it fear.

It's heavy & daunting.

I have moments when I throw it to one who can handle it, but more and more I take it back because it's comfortable.

I'm in the process of making a huge change in my life and I feel, like I'm starting over again and I guess in a way I am but all those things I thought I'd learned, I find - well I've still work to do.

Pray, ask for help, be OK not knowing, trust & have faith that I am divinely guided.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Cactus Tree

I adore this song my Joni Mitchell. I indentify with it so closely.

I feel I'm to busy being free but happy too

"And she thinks she loves them all There's the one who's thinking of herThere's the one who sometimes calls There's the one who writes her lettersWith his facts and figures scrawl She has brought them to her senses They have laughed inside her laughter Now she rallies her defenses For she fears that one will ask herFor eternityAnd she's so busy being free"

Monday, February 2, 2009

The difference is

I just re-read my last post and can't believe the strides made in a few short days - I feel 200% better and the key was service really.

Friday I ran to an anniversary meeting to get some gratitude before speaking at another meeting later that evening. I prayed to be of service and remain an open channel through which God could speak. It was a beautiful meeting and it had nothing to do with me which was perhaps the most beautiful thing of all.

Saturday I volunteered at a single mothers & kids shelter on the lower east side. My heart was SO full. We painted faces, decorated crowns and sang Beyonce! What fun! I can't wait to do it again. I went to the anniversary meeting at my home group - what a beautiful thing to be able to note the change and shift in others. From dire seriousness to beaming in just 90 days - unbeliveable.

Super Bowl Sunday! I went for a 5 mile run in the park - a GOREGOUS day for it. Then upstate with some fellows to enjoy the game on the BIGGEST TV ever! surrounded by kids, family & all sorts of straight football types. The best thing, I didn't once feel out of place & am so glad my family was raised on football

Friday, January 30, 2009

I've never felt like this

I was ready to explode at someone last night.

It's rare that I get angsty like that and truly I am not even sure what to trace it to. I spent a little too much time listenting to the vampire in my head telling me:

'I was a fraud' and 'who do you think you're kidding?'

I think mostly it has to do with my laurel resting as of late. THAT, and the fact that I am SO much more comfortable being stuck behind the glass wall which encapsulates me.

here's to progress

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Just for today

I wish I could not care SO much, or try to read so much into what other people are thinking about me, cause the truth is it just doesn't matter.

In other news: I am four movies away from having seen all that have been nominated for the Oscars. Left to see are:

Frozen River
The Changeling
Frost/Nixon
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I have NO desire to see the last two, but for the sake of completeness, I shall.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Starting off right

Granted, it's almost the end of January but one of my resolutions was to volunteer once a month.

Last night I attended the orientation to become a volunteer for the NYCares organization. I had a blast on NYcares day helping paint a school in the Bronx last fall. I really like their idea of service and the variety of different projects that they have to offer.

I was also blown away by the amount of people there to sign up, it helps me be less cynical.
Service really is so key - getting out of myself and into helping others does wonders for my state of mind.

In other news, I had a looooong conversation with a couple of program friends, including my sponsor and came to this conclusion as something to strive for:

Have fun and try to see things a little more grey and not so black & white.

Here's to progress!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Starting A New

I'm not so sure what to say, I'm happy to have the ability to blog again (work previously blocked my access to another blog) and really what better way to spend the work day? :)

I'll be updating more but wanted to at least make a start.