Who Am I?

Thanks to Scott for posting this quote which is thought was apropos:

"We have every reason to look forward into the future with hope and excitement. Fear nothing and no one. Work honestly. Be good, be happy. And remember that each of you is unique, your soul your own, irreplaceable and individual in the miracle of your mortal frame". ~ Pearl S. Buck

In the effort of doing something different and challenging - I've decided to write a novel. My friend Justin (of justinplusone.com) threw down a challenge for the month of November to write a novel in just 30 days!?!?!??!@$&*#$%^@#

I'm jumping in feet first. I've written the first chapter but have to keep going. I would never call myself a writer, but really why not? Why do I let that voice in my head tell me no. I can be anything I want to be. My problem lies in that if it's not going to be perfect, well then why try? It's behavior I'm trying to change.

Instead of focusing on whether this will be the next great American novel, or a prize winner - I'm. just. writing. and in doing so combating all those little demons that tell me otherwise. Ghost busting if you will :) (Thanks Lindsay)

I'm plunging in! Here goes!

Smiles and Laughter

I had a quote in my inbox today:

"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul".
- Yiddish proverb

This past weekend I went up to the Catskills to my friend Brian's place. It was a secluded little cabin on Mt. Tremper. The weather was rainy Friday and Saturday nights which gave the four of us: myself, Brad, Michael & Brian the chance to just chill. We sat for HOURS around the wood fireplace drinking coffee, sharing stories and laughing our asses off. The conversation went from serious program AA stuff to all other kinds of silly. Things we did both before and after we got sober that really just indicate how crazy and yet how free we are now.

As the night was winding down, I remembered the day I met these guys. Brad I had known for years. One night after a meeting about 2 weeks into my starting AA, Brad grabbed me by the collar and said: "C'mon let's get coffee". I thought it'd be just him so I agreed. We walk across the street to Dean and Deluca, and there around a table were Brian & Michael and two empty chairs. I felt like it was going to be the inquisition. I sat down with my coffee and mostly just listened to these men talk. Talk about being drunk, talk about being sober but what struck me the most was the fact that they were laughing!

I'd wanted to yell: "GUYS! I'M NOT DRINKING ANYMORE - THIS IS SERIOUS!!"

Two and a half years later, sitting around that fire - I was struck with gratitude for the grace that got me there and more so every day for the fact that I can laugh and smile again. It was restored my soul as AA has started to restore my life.

Join Me for some FUN!

I'm guest blogging on my friend Justin's blog this week. I'll try to update here too

J+1

The Choice

I love that I have two things in my life that really keep me moving in an amazing direction.

Meetings and Sati

Between the two I had a great revelation this week, especially after my Big Book meeting last night. We read 'The Family Afterward'. Usually, I throw up a block about that chapter as well as 'To The Wives' AND 'To Employers' - Why? well because
'it's not about me!'

As is often the case when I take this tact, I find that I am dead wrong.

Through my Sati experience this past month I've really been able to embrace the word 'Abundance' and invite it in to my life in many ways. In the meeting last night during this passage: "That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets" - (pg 124 - Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous), I was struck!

Struck with the amazing self awareness I've been cultivating and AWED by the idea that today with all the good in my life, I can choose to make a different choice.

With regards, to work, a carreer in acting, relationships - romantic, familial or even friends. Today I can choose a different action, sometimes contrary to those I've ALWAYS done. Maybe a different result can occur maybe not - but I KNOW the answer if I don't try, and I KNOW that regardless the outcome I WILL GROW.

LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW! I'm listenting to Dvorak's 'New World Symphony' as I write this and indeed it is - A NEW WORLD

Good Thoughts

This song is so beautiful and strikes me everytime I hear it.


What I Cannot Change - LeAnn Rimes

The Promise

Have you ever met someone and doing so suddenly illuminated all that hadn't been right with all your previous dates/boyfriends/love interests/lovers - and yourself in those situations?

I have

That being said. I'm a firm believer that every moment of one's past brings them forward to who they are today - present.

Learning lessons from mistakes so that when the opportunity presents itself. one is ready like they've never been before.

I will step forward, unafraid, into new territory - exploring all the things life & love have to offer, not take away. I will change my insticntual behavior and move through any ridiculous fears.

As I've learned in Sati - I am open to abundance & happiness. I am ready, willing and able - RIGHT NOW to accept richness in my life - in every way.

Swooning a bit

I tend to jump on the side of being a bit boy crazy, but something about this one is different.

I'll set the scene:

I am unshowered, wearing clothes from the previous night. I got in at 2 am after our show and party. Woke at 4am and hopped on a train to the city in order to board a bus departing at 6am for the Equality March in D.C.

I'm not glamourous, my matted hair hidden under a hat, unshaven, wearing glasses and worse of all I fore go coffee so I can eek out a few more hours of sleep on the ride down.

We board the bus, I say hello to no one out of fear of my coffee-less state. I have two seats to myself so I scrunch up into a TINY ball and try my best to make a little comfort on a freezing, dark bus seat. I start to drift....when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

I look up into an unknown face and down into an extended hand holding a scarf.
"You can use this as a pillow if you'd like"

I graciously accept and smile a bit on the inside as I close my eyes.